Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Jury Duty Survival Guide
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
We trade jury duty war stories and find out how fast “easy civic duty” turns into a high-stress audition in a courtroom. We also wrestle with the gap between what feels true and what can actually be proven when twelve strangers have to agree on a verdict.
• arguing about Apple vs Android and how phones confuse everyone now
• the real cost of jury duty when you are self-employed
• what voir dire and jury selection questions look like in the room
• the temptation to say the “right” thing to avoid getting picked
• how DUI history and alcohol-limit opinions change the vibe instantly
• sweating through the final jury list and reading the room
• a Milwaukee case where “he did it” still ends in not guilty
• the core rule that drives deliberation: proof beats certainty
If you want to know what jury duty is all about, it sucks, but I’ll tell you how to get out of it. Call me.
Cold Open And Phone Riffs
SPEAKER_02Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_03Welcome! Welcome, welcome, guys, and girls. This is Top Shelf Stories in yours every Tuesday on your favorite podcast platform. Mine is Apple. I like Spotify. That is actually another popular one. But if you are a true connoisseur of the electronics, you're gonna go for Apple.
SPEAKER_02I don't think so. I think if you're my grandmother, you're gonna get an Apple. Your mom. I'll bet you a hundred bucks your mom's got an Apple.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Everyone's mom does. And my dad has an Android. Your mom's mom would have an Apple if she was here to get cell phones. I don't think so. A hundred.
SPEAKER_03She'd have one of those Bumblebee ones where you just three buttons. Wifeline. Yeah. Is that what it is? Only dials 911. No, that the thing you put around your neck, that giant fucking thing that holding your hand. I want one of those big phones.
SPEAKER_02That don't have a screen you can touch. She just has three buttons. Since when did our phones need to have screens we could touch? I can't even find the phone function on my phone. I have to ask my digital assistant to call people. I can't find the phone anymore. I'll bet it's like as foreign to a kid nowadays as a tape deck tape is. What? The little logo, or as the kids call them app. Oh. Where's your phone app on your phone? They would say.
SPEAKER_03I bet you they don't know what app means. I didn't know what that was until like two years ago. App? I just thought it was app. I didn't know it actually meant a word. An application? Yeah, I didn't know that. That's my smartness. That's a whole nother thing.
Why Jury Duty Wrecks Your Week
SPEAKER_03So I wanna I brought you guys here today to talk about uh jury duty.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah, the infamous jury duty. Have you guys ever had it? I've been called twice now to jury duty.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. How many okay? Well, you do after 18. Really? This is my second time too. Hey, Tony, have you ever gotten it? They were both in the last 10 years.
SPEAKER_00Uh only one time, and I never had to go anywhere. I had to call. And they they dismissed it. Yeah. Okay. You said once, you said? One time. Yeah. I was about twenty.
SPEAKER_03So I think the unlucky people like you and I, Chris, are the ones that uh uh get the the two times within because we're about the same age within a certain amount of because after you go through one, like right after I finish this one, they said after four years they will you you will not get summonsed unless it's a federal court again for four years. With four years, yeah.
SPEAKER_02But I feel like it was four years in a day I got that letter a second time.
SPEAKER_03Dude, it's ridiculous. And I am a sole I work for myself, I have no employees. So I have I was summonsed for a whole week. A whole five days. How do I how can I afford to do all the summonses are for five days?
SPEAKER_02No, I think Milwaukee County does three days sometimes. It's all a matter of what type of case you're gonna be on.
SPEAKER_03I feel that last summons I got was one day summons. They told me three days each three days. Maybe it was three days three to five, I think. I don't know what it was, but I've gone, I've had to go all there both times. The first time I got dismissed right away, too, like Tony said. But I actually had to go there. I didn't call. But this time I called, and on Monday, it was whatever the thing was, was dismissed, and I had to go check in for Tuesdays.
SPEAKER_02Tuesday. Come on through again, bring a box.
SPEAKER_03So this is boring as fuck, but I'm gonna tell you.
SPEAKER_02Use the highlights magazine and do the word search in there and stuff like that. You can use your phone as long as you're not in the courtroom. Right, right.
SPEAKER_03But I'm gonna tell you jury duty. This this this podcast about jury duty, it sounds like it'd be boring, but I'm gonna tell you how to get out of it. So you get how to get out of jury duty. Well, I know it's your excessive racism poking through. I did not have to say I was racist at all, and I still got out of it. But I'll tell you this. What do you mean get out of it?
SPEAKER_00You're like, I can be fair. He can be either non-guilty or black. What do you mean get out of it though? Okay, not get picked.
SPEAKER_03How about that? Okay. Better. Not get picked to be a juror. Not being picked to be a juror is what I mean. If you really gotta go through all the steps, you gotta jump through all the hoops.
SPEAKER_02See, I'm like the no, I work for somebody, so I my company decides that they'll pay me. If I turn in the check for the $7 a day or whatever they give you at jury duty, because they do pay you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_02Like $8 or something. They pay for parts.
SPEAKER_03I think it's a little bit more, but I'm not excited about that check coming.
SPEAKER_02I turned mine into my company, and they paid me for a full day's work for each day I was away. And so I'm like, hell yeah, I'm here instead of work. I want to see a case. I want to see what this who did what? Who done it?
SPEAKER_03Who done it? I guess in that way of thinking, that might be something more along the lines of someone would want to do.
SPEAKER_02So you you want to get out of it. Yeah. I got called the first time and I got on a case, and it was cool. And then the second time I was there, I just went twice and they didn't call me.
SPEAKER_03So when you got on, when you were picked as a juror, how long was how many days was it?
SPEAKER_02It ended up being a three-day event. The first day I made it almost all the way through without getting called, and they were like, All right, we're gonna call our last group. If your name's not called, thanks for your service. We'll see you in four years. And my name got called, so I had to like go through the rigmarole, and then I ended up coming back the next day, and then they picked me for the jury, and then I did the jury trial for like maybe it was even longer. Two-day trial, maybe two days.
SPEAKER_03But if it's longer than one day, you have to stay somewhere.
SPEAKER_02Uh no, they don't have to sequester you. So maybe you have to like sign something that you're not gonna talk about it, you're not gonna post about it, you're not gonna ask people their opinions, you're not gonna anything.
SPEAKER_03In the beginning, I was just there there
Sequestration Horror Stories And Reality
SPEAKER_03the other day. When in the beginning of this, when you walk into the prelude, whatever you call it, whatever it's called, the word I'm looking for. Well, you were in a completely different county than Walking. Walks, yeah. Walk show. So they go through every single thing. And if it's it could be all the way up to a three, I mean, what they had, and they said the longest one they ever had in Walks County was a three-months case where you can't go on the internet, you can't talk to your family, you can't have a TV, and you're put up in a hotel with nothing. Could you imagine?
SPEAKER_02No, they give you like DVDs of the movie Speed and like the Rock to Wayne Johnson starred. I wouldn't need everyone Scorpion King and like you're watching shit from 1996, so it doesn't have any relevance to your case. Like, new to DVD, South Park the movie.
SPEAKER_03So when I heard that, I'm like, dude, that's no fucking way I could do that. And then she's like, Well, everyone, I don't want to scare you. I was just telling you that because that's happened. You guys actually won the uh the the uh jury duty lottery because this is a one-day event. If you're picked as a juror, it's only a one-day case. So that was like that was okay, that's good, but I still don't want to be your own.
SPEAKER_00I feel like a good jury could make any case last for months.
SPEAKER_02No, they know that they're signing you up for the cases where it's like we offered them a plea bargain and they said, No, I want to go to trial, and they got caught with weed under their seat. That's the kind of trial you were gonna get involved in. Or PD ro robbed the liquor store of a pint. Well, they did tell you. P doesn't want to fucking charge up to it, so they're like, I want a trial.
SPEAKER_03Before you're picked as a jur, they do tell you what the case is about, but they don't go into details. So this case was a guy drunk on a um, so you were further along about it then, huh?
SPEAKER_02Like at first you were there, they were like so. There's like 20 of you, you never might 12 of you picked down to 30.
SPEAKER_03Okay. 30 of us. It was a drunk dude on a not a moped, but a faster bike. Electric scooter. No, fucking one off-road anymore. What's it called? Like a dirt bike. Dirt bike. Thank you. Why can't I never every time I tell this story, I can never fucking get that dirt bike in my head. Dirt bike. And they said no injury was caused to him. Excuse me. No, he didn't cause injury to anyone. He was hurt. But we can't tell you details if unless you're you until you're picked as a jury.
SPEAKER_02So it was this guy probably versus the insurance company.
SPEAKER_03So I just right when I walked in the room, I was like, there's the guy right there. I can just tell he has head down. He looked fucking what mullet. No, sure. No, he didn't have a mullet. He kind of looked like your cousin. What do you mean you could see who the defendant or he was sitting there? What? Yeah, I was in the jury, the the courtroom. I was in the courtroom. I was on the the um, I was sitting in where they do well, I was and the guy was there with his lawyer and shit or whatever to pick from you people? Yes. Okay, yes, okay. Uh, so it was weird just seeing them like fuck this guy's guilty. This fucking guy. I can tell he did something wrong. It's by the way, his dad. But I want to get out of here, so I'm like, innocent, just screaming from the top of my lungs, innocent! No, I didn't do that. So what happens is in the beginning of this, the the the um the the uh fucking the judge, the judge, the D a or whatever the judge asks questions and he puts them on there's screens everywhere nowadays.
Inside The Courtroom Question Screens
SPEAKER_03There is a screen in front of every one of our seats sitting in the juror box. Stupid, it's crazy. Yeah, so there was uh a series of questions, eight questions. It was very, very simple questions, like are you married, how many kids, ages of kids, where you live, and all this shit. And the last two were um do you know any police uh are you acquainted acquainted with any police officers? And then um the last one was have you ever uh been in jury or have ever been on a trial before?
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03And everything I everyone goes through the same thing, and then I go to the part because my mom before this, I was asking everyone's input on how to get out of jury duty. How to not get picked.
SPEAKER_00Every every question he asks, you just say same thing. I'd like to evoke my fourth amendment, right?
SPEAKER_02The same thing the guy on your trial has been saying for six years.
SPEAKER_03I wonder what would happen if you said, I like to not not not answer that question. I uh rally not say. We should just not or just answer in today's terms.
SPEAKER_00What's today's terms? Like, I would like to be referred to as them they I'm married to a hee heart.
SPEAKER_02You end up being a huge problem for the court. That's how you communal showers because if there's a lot of children do you have?
SPEAKER_00Uh you mean they them? They them.
SPEAKER_03I have four. I don't have actual children. I don't call them children. I call them small beings in the universe. Yeah. I call them my pet cum. You definitely wouldn't. That would work, but I didn't want to look that fucking crazy. So, what does everyone say to get out of
Trying To Avoid Getting Picked
SPEAKER_03it? You answer by everyone, my mom told me, tell them you have cop friends. Say your teen boyfriend's a cop. When I s don't tell my wife. When I solved that question, I'm like, oh shit, there's it. There's the answer right there.
SPEAKER_02And I was like, That's how you got out of it.
SPEAKER_03And everyone, other people were like, just say you're racist or that and this. But there was no questions about being racist. So I was like, fuck, I'm out of there. Because you were in Waucha County. Oh, there's tons of Mexicans in Waukusha. How can you be racist against a Mexican though? Oh, that's I mean, that's another best. That's another podcast all itself. So what did you say? Everything question that I had was normal, except for the cop one. I was like, my best friend is a police officer in the West Dallas police department, and this is bullshit completely. And I was worried that he might say his name, so I fucking in my head, I already had a name picked out.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Officer McGillarcuddy. Jim Johnson. JJ. I don't know why. Just Jim Johnson. Okay. If he actually asked, I don't think he would. I feel like that's something you don't even tell you who my friend is. That's what I was kind of thinking too. But if you say, cop if you really nailed me with it, you think what's his name? What's his name?
SPEAKER_00You think that's what got you out of it? No, I'm I'm not done. This is crazy, dude. I would never even consider lying in court. Well, I mean not even a little. Why? Why?
SPEAKER_02I wanted to get out. Fuck the police, Tony. Fuck the police.
SPEAKER_00The police is why bad shit doesn't happen in my neighborhood.
SPEAKER_02No, it's not.
SPEAKER_00The cops out in my area shoot first, then they figure it out. I'm sure. Nobody comes over by us and starts shit.
SPEAKER_03So when I said I had a cop friend, my best friend, he's like, so how many times a week do you see your friend? They used to ask you follow-up questions about your life. God. So quick decision. Uh I'd be like, once a week, maybe. I don't know. He's like, uh, what was his next question? He said something else about uh being.
SPEAKER_00Have you ever had sexual intercourse with your friend? He's like, he's like your wife know about this, friend.
SPEAKER_03If this, if this, if this, if this uh court had anything to do with something to do with cop and something against police officers, would you have a problem with answering the questions in a way that wouldn't skew your decision because you have you uh a cop friend? And it's like I don't and I said, I'm sorry, sir, I don't know the case, so I can't tell you that. Good answer. It's a good answer. And he said, Okay, moved on to the next person.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that was it.
SPEAKER_03And there was another guy in here. No, no, wait.
SPEAKER_02No, that's you're not supposed to talk, and that's you might be going across lines now already. I don't care if I get if I get a fucking dead. Everybody listens to this podcast. I really do. I imagine that most of the judges in the New Berlin Waukshaw County Circuit Court system are currently listening to this podcast.
SPEAKER_00They've probably seen our sticker at the Quick Trip in New Berlin.
SPEAKER_03You know the funny thing is, during the these very rigor mole questions, they ask your kids, like they want to know how many kids you have and their ages. I fumbled more on what my kids' ages were. That's what I was doing. I was like uh 19. I can't remember.
SPEAKER_00So I fumbled more on that question than I did on the cop friend that I didn't have a I don't have a you just have one that's 18 not confirmed by DNA, one that's one that's 13, so also not confirmed by DNA. So here's the part where I started getting a little sweaty.
SPEAKER_03There was uh guy four four guys down that had the same questions, and when he came to the cop part, he's like, I am a what is the one of the high-ranking officers in the police department in West Dallas. No, he didn't sergeant. He's like, I'm a sergeant, and I was just waiting for him to say West Dallas, and I was like, I don't know a Jim Jones. No, he was in Milwaukee, so I was like, I was a little afraid about that, but it doesn't matter, he doesn't know his fucking friend, you know, his friends, whatever.
SPEAKER_02The only lie I told the court wasn't really a lie, it was one of those silent lies where if they don't ask, you don't tell. You're not supposed to know anyone else on the jury. Yeah, yeah. Somebody on the jury lived four doors down from me, and I didn't I don't know them, but I know who they are.
SPEAKER_00But they're per concert with them.
SPEAKER_02I know who they are, what their profession is. I see them on Halloween, and sometimes when I'm walking the dogs.
SPEAKER_03You know what's weird is on my the right of me, there were a guy and a girl, and the the uh judge did ask, does anyone on the jury know each other? They both raised their hand, they went to high school together. Yeah, and they didn't turn them out. No, no, didn't dismiss them. One of them got picked one time. One of them got picked, one of them didn't. Yeah, one of them got picked, one of them didn't. Yeah, jury duty's crazy, dude. So then there was more questions.
SPEAKER_02So as you know, this was about Did they start display dismissing people and putting the fires out like they do on Survivor or whatever it is? They were dismissing, like now you're the final 20. Because that's what it was for me. They're like, now you're the final 20. One of you's gonna be the alternate. That would be great. That would be great. One of you's gonna be the alternate. 12 of you are gonna stay, five of you are gonna go home.
SPEAKER_00Now we start handing out roses.
SPEAKER_03Maybe it was like that. People would actually want to do jury duty. I mean, I kind of wanted, I desperately want to do jury duty. So I'm just like your goddamn wife. I had nothing else to do. I can't speak to that. I I posted something on Facebook about me not getting picked, and then your wife right away is like, oh my god, I'm so jealous. I want to be on jury duty. I never got to be.
SPEAKER_02What your shit was probably was a cop. He probably crashed, and a cop probably harassed him. He probably crashed into a cop. No, he probably crashed into like a building or a mailbox or some bullshit. Maybe you got in a fight with the cop, and then the cop came and gave him hell, and then he fucking tried to sue the cops, or he's trying to sue the insurance company, or he's trying to sue like the ice cream shop because they're not supposed to have sandwich boards out after 8 p.m. and he hit it at 8 42 or whatever. You know what I mean? Like something stupid.
SPEAKER_03So after I told that lie about having a cop friend, I'm like, I thought that would have got me out right away. It didn't work. No, no, the fucking sergeant's still there. Yeah, the sergeant's still there. And I'm like, fuck, I didn't get out for that. I can't tell another lie. I don't know what else to do.
DUI Questions And The Legal Limit Debate
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna get caught in my lies. And then the next question was Has anyone ever been convicted of a DUI?
SPEAKER_01It's like, fuck yeah, I had do you think that got you off?
SPEAKER_03But no, it didn't. I didn't think so. It didn't, but I was like, I raised my hand and another guy raised his hand. You're like, you two out. You're like, that's how I met my cop run. I got to really get to know him after I was drunk in the drunk tank. He was a great cop. No, so they asked uh that the same stupid questions. You know, would this would this uh sway your decision because you actually got involved in with cop and you're arrested, blah blah blah, this and that. And they were like, is there anything else you would say about getting a DUI? And this is what I thought really would have got me off. I was like, Yes, I actually have something else I would like to say about getting a DUI. I would think, I think that the 0.08 uh legal limit should be higher. That's what you said. Okay. I said that word for word.
SPEAKER_02Fair enough.
SPEAKER_03I was like, I was waiting for him, I was looking at him in his eye. Caliph was like, Amen, brother, amen. I was looking at the judge in the eye and I was like, I'm ready to go.
SPEAKER_00I'm ready to go. I think the DUI legal limit should be determined by race.
SPEAKER_03That's actually a better answer.
SPEAKER_00I know the Asians can't hold their liquor, everybody knows that. I think they go in at a.04.
SPEAKER_03So I should have said that, but no, that didn't get me out either. And then they go to the other guy that also got a DUI, and he had a fucking crazy story. He kept going on and on about hating cops, and I knew right away looking at this motherfucker. I'm like, you're trying to get out, you're trying to take the the the light off of me and put it on you to get out of this fucking place. He's like, and then the the judge after his whole story is like, would this uh deter your your uh if you could answer or or how he put it some blanket statement? Blanket statement of what could you give an honest opinion about cops or whatever it was? I can't remember. Yeah, of course. He said no. He's like, no, I cannot do that. And then the judge is like, okay. So uh out of the 20 of us that were in the actual sitting down in the courtroom, there was four on standby, four jurors jurors on standby. The uh they all left to um deliberate. Deliberate. There you go.
SPEAKER_02They get to pick like they like, all right, you get to pick five of them, you get to pick five of them, the judge is gonna pick two.
SPEAKER_03So they left, they came back, and right away when the they came back, the judge is like juror number twelve was the guy with the story. You are excused. Fucker! You took my fucking spot. They got him out. I was like, I should have fucking said no, I'm against police or something stupid like that. That's all you have to say. You have to say that anything that happens in my life, I think that police brutality is something that.
SPEAKER_02I can't agree with and I can't judge if it actually it has to do with the case, but I don't believe in the legal system, Your Honor.
SPEAKER_03Something like that. Yes. That'll get you out immediately. So I did all this shit. I didn't get out. I didn't get I didn't kick I didn't get kicked out immediately. So the Then you got to the front of the ride, and the sticker said you had to be this doll and ride.
SPEAKER_01And then Jake got dismissed from jury duty.
SPEAKER_03Fucker. So that guy got got kicked out right away. And then there they bring in this the substitute jurors. He one guy came in, sat down. They asked him all the fucking questions again, went through all this shit again, and then they were like, okay, this juror is gonna be sixth person juror. I'm like, oh my god, this is awesome. I don't think they're gonna pick me. Why only six? I don't know. It's sixth person juror. And then I looked at the fucking uh the defendant's um defendant's lawyer attorney, and I'm thinking to myself, I shouldn't have said that fucking comment about the the legal limit should be higher.
SPEAKER_00She might want me. Sure. Yeah, she might really want me. Did you have these scars on your face? Yeah, I did. Yes, I did. Yeah, you should have told them like this was caused by a cop during my DUI.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I told him my DUI was 15 years ago. I said he's like, how long ago? There's no way they could check that in court. Yeah, no, they couldn't. I mean, they asked you to tell the truth, they're not gonna go through all that. So I was thinking to myself, it's like, fuck, did I just fuck myself really bad with uh okay before I get to that point? Um when I said after I said the alcohol limit should be higher, I felt terrible with the guy's next answer when when the defendant was so the the uh attorney generals, the guys accusing the attorney carry on the attorneys.
SPEAKER_02What is an attorney general? It's like the top cop in the United States is signed by the prosecution.
SPEAKER_03The prosecution, they had questions for everyone around.
SPEAKER_02She fucking kind of leaves the rices.
SPEAKER_03They had questions for other jurors, and uh it then they asked the questions, they were done, and then the defendant's lawyer had questions, and then she brings up so one of the juries had uh a point about the legal limit should be higher. Does anyone have any I um any other opinions about that? And then one guy stands up right next to me, he's like, Yes, I do. And I they bring the microphone to him.
SPEAKER_02You're crazy, it should be lower.
SPEAKER_03So he did say, Yes, it should be lower. I had two friends last year die from a drunken driver, and I was like, Oh fuck. I felt terrible when I heard that.
SPEAKER_00And you yell over him like I could blow a 0.10 right now. I know I drove here, I know I could drive safely.
SPEAKER_03I drove here. All right, so all that said aside, go back to what I was talking about about the uh defendant's lawyer.
Sweating Through The Final Jury List
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. Um, and I was like, fuck, she might pick me now. So what happened right at the end before they actually decided about the six jurors, they kept going back and forth this clipboard from the the defendant's jury, uh defendant's uh lawyer and the other lawyers. Yeah, they were back. Back and forth, they're drafting back and forth, back and forth. I was sweating the whole time. I'm like, fuck.
SPEAKER_02You were on the is he gonna think I'm guilty draft right now? Like, no, I think he's gonna think he's guilty. No, not these people, those people are gonna think he's guilty.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. Are they gonna be like, they're gonna pick me now because I think that I'm gonna defend this guy because I think the legal limit should be higher? So that took about 25 fucking minutes. It was almost as long as all the questions sitting there just waiting. And the the the fucking judge is like, during this time, I'm gonna tell you a story about the fucking Walkershaw courtroom. Like, fuck it, great. I can't listen to you guys.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, etchings on the walls.
SPEAKER_03Like this has been this is made in 1894. Shut the fuck up. I just want to know, am I a juror or not? He's trying to entertain you, right? Reading you the three little bears story. And then uh it came time to read uh the names. Name one, not my name. Name two, not my name. Name three, not my name. Name four, not my name, name five, not my name. Name six, sick. Something else.
SPEAKER_02It was a J, and it was a different name, and I fucking just called off from being guilty. Right away. Conviction is not guilty. Yeah!
SPEAKER_01I stood up and said, yes!
SPEAKER_02You're hanging clapping around and embracing strangers around you because you don't have to participate.
SPEAKER_03Juror number seven? Nothing.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I got picked. It was great.
SPEAKER_03So I just left after that. And then I got a little conversation with the person next to me, and they walked a walk through fucking tons of fucking different rooms and metal detectors and all kinds of other crap. So it was it was it was uh nerve-wracking if you don't want to do it. If you want to do it, it might be nerve-wracking too if you don't think you're gonna get picked. But this jury was uh five women and one man. So I think that the defendant's uh lawyer got what she wanted. I think yeah, she's probably thinking like the women would convict him. No, not convict him, the the defendant's uh lawyer. I think, yeah, maybe the other ones, but I think the they'd be like, Oh, the women's gonna take a little more, you know, they're gonna feel bad for him because he got hurt or something like that. And but the the one guy that got called in after the guy that got called out, he got picked. Sure. And I was like, oh anything about it.
SPEAKER_02Damn. He knew how he knew what the answer he probably wanted to be in it.
SPEAKER_03When you get picked, every single person that walked out when they got picked had their face down with a mad face.
SPEAKER_02Well, it's not fun when you're doing it, but I don't know, man.
SPEAKER_00Uh my my dream is to get called in one day, and they're just like, hey, we got this case, we need you on it. Double homicide guy married his wife and his wife's new lover. Do you just want to know the story? And the glove never fit for a very long time. We know he's guilty, but here's the kicker. He hired Johnny Cochran. He's really gonna fuck this case around for about three years. It took that long. I would be like, I'm in. It took that long. No, it was like it was like a fucking year. OJ Simpson trial was a year?
SPEAKER_02I think it was even longer than that.
SPEAKER_00What did the jurors do for a whole year? They lived in they did they couldn't figure it out. Johnny Cochran's so confusing. They can't they can't decide whether you kept them in hotels, man. That's fucking crazy.
SPEAKER_02How do you live? How can you live off a per diem? Well, that was in the 1990s, so it was a little different. Yeah, I was in high school.
SPEAKER_03Oh no, I was in I was in grade school. I remember everyone was cheering. Everyone was cheering when he got when he got uh innocent verdict in a white all school. So I got all about that. I got they did. I remember that fucking. You probably weren't allowed in the classroom.
SPEAKER_00It's probably too close to a celebration. Fuck off. They had your ass sitting in the library for the OJ trial.
A Milwaukee Shooting Case And Deliberation
SPEAKER_02I got picked by Jerry Duty. I went through all the same things Jay did. They caught me downtown, I went down there, and they put me through the line, and they said come back tomorrow, and then they put me through the line, and then I went to a court room, and then I was like standing in the hall, and they're like, nah, go back to the waiting room. Because I was in the big city. So there was like 300 people there. They did like 20 cases.
SPEAKER_03They did say Milwaukee was really bad to go to court.
SPEAKER_02So then eventually it was like the last minute of the last day, and they're like, if you don't call, you know, we're not calling you. And then they called me, and I was like, shit. So I came back the next day, and then they did, like you said, they had like 20 of us in the room, and then they gave us all those questions. And at that point, I was trying to get out of it too. I'm like, yeah, fuck the police. The police are fucked. The police are fucked.
SPEAKER_03Were you answering, were you answering really negative?
SPEAKER_02Like, yeah, just everything was like, I don't well, not truthful, not non-truthful, but just really like, yeah, I don't want to be here. I don't think you guys should be judging people like just that and alone's fucked up. I don't trust the government. I don't know. Because the defendant gets to pick six people too. This was 12 people, and there was two alternates, and then they got the courtroom, the judge, so we're there in the court, and they're like, This guy got mad at that guy, so because they were in a fight about he owed them twenty dollars. Twenty dollars. That was it. In the little in the hood of Milwaukee at these projects, and he's like, This guy found out that that guy had the twenty dollars, but he didn't give him the twenty dollars, and then our guy shot they're saying that our friend shot him in the ass, but he said he didn't do it, he didn't shoot him in the ass.
SPEAKER_03What the fuck?
SPEAKER_02So it was a shooting.
SPEAKER_03That's weird. Sorry. Someone just texted me, Good evening, Jay. Hope you were able to get up jury duty. That's weird. Sorry.
SPEAKER_02So yeah, the guys that it ended up being a guy shot the other guy in the ass over quote twenty dollars. Twenty dollars. The defendant was like, Yeah, that's the guy that fucking shot me. But the defendant came out with some and he said a lie. He had he was covering up for himself in some way. In some way, I'm not sure what he was trying to cover up for himself, but he lied. And the fucking def the the sh the shooter guy, the parent shooter. That lawyer was like, oh, really? That's what happened? Interesting. We got tape, and he brought out tape, dude. He's like, This is the tape from the emergency room where you said you got dropped off by this, but in reality, it looks like this happened. So you lied.
SPEAKER_00That's just a dude talking to his friends at Burger King label. I was like, blah, blah, blah.
SPEAKER_02So when he lied, when he lied, I could tell myself and my peers included, all like new. This guy shot that guy in the ass. He did. He did it 100% he did it, but that guy's a liar, and so it's that liar's word against that guy's word, and I can't prove that that guy shot him in the ass. Anybody in the whole world because he shot him in the ass. Nobody died. We don't need to get any deeper than this.
SPEAKER_00Might have been a stray BB from the guy's alive, and that guy's not.
SPEAKER_02So we were in the fucking deliberation room of the 12 of us or whatever, after like two days of this. You already had your mind made up. Well, I thought, but I was like, dude, this guy did it. I was like telling everyone, I'm like, this guy fucking shot that guy in the ass. Like, that happened, and that's what this case is about. Did that guy shoot that guy? And he did. Like, that's what I think. And they're like, Well, but that guy's a liar. And so they kind of cock coaxed me. Because you have to be unanimous, otherwise, you'd fucking sit there forever. Go back in there again and talk more. When I when I So I gave in, like, me and a few other people were like, that guy fucking did it. We all know he did it, but we can't prove it.
SPEAKER_03The video the video I watched, it doesn't have to be unanimous. Oh, we had to be unanimous. Then it's just like a felony or something.
SPEAKER_02It's probably a higher level thing. It was a firearm and unregistered and shooting, like fucking school zone, all kinds of little. So when you guys when you guys vote, do you vote? Not guilty. We went not guilty. No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_03Do you vote in the room with each other?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. We did this thing. Fucking sheet of paper. And then they're like, oh, three of the sheets of paper say guilty, and we have to figure this out. Was he guilty or not? And we fucking talked again for an hour. Really? This guy's yelling at that guy, and one of the people is all fucking pissed in the corner.
SPEAKER_03Fuck all of you. You're wrong, but I'll just want to go. You know who said not guilty then, obviously.
SPEAKER_02No, just by how the people acted, but it was like a silent thing. He wrote it the fuck down.
SPEAKER_03Well when you start arguing, it was like one ruler of the room. The room was Yeah, yeah, yeah. The person that that that that calls out the verdict.
SPEAKER_02And I wasn't that guy, because if I was, I would have been like that fucking.
SPEAKER_03It's the juryman, I think, right?
SPEAKER_02So yeah, we let him off. I'm 100% he got off. But fucking shot the guy in the ass. He said not guilty. It's like drug deal. It was a drug deal guilty.
SPEAKER_03You said not guilty then?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Really?
SPEAKER_03So what why what made you guys come to the conclusion of not getting not guilty? Get out of there?
SPEAKER_02The conclusion between like the people, me included, who'd like this guy fucking did it was that we couldn't actually prove it. There was no like smoking guns.
SPEAKER_03You said guilty right away.
SPEAKER_02I wanted to say guilty because I thought he did it.
SPEAKER_03But you you you sided with everyone else because you wanted to get out of there.
SPEAKER_01So how is that how is that justice? How is that justice?
SPEAKER_02It was partially that I wanted to get out of there. It was partially that they talked me into and I agreed. There's no proof that this individual is the one. We don't even know based off the cops' tale and this and the other thing. All the evidence doesn't say that he was alone in the car, doesn't say that he had the firearm. He didn't like there's nothing that said it was him except for the liar said it was him. The liar said it was him. How is that justice, though? Because it could have been anybody. It could have been anybody. If this guy didn't lie about certain parts and get caught in his lie, the other guy would have been guilty, I think. 100%.
Not What You Know What You Prove
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I like that. That just goes to tell you that's the training day. It's not what you know. It's what you can prove. Yep, you have to prove it.
SPEAKER_03It's not what you know. It's what you can prove.
unknownYep.
SPEAKER_00That was perfect.
SPEAKER_02Well, I'm glad you got out of jury duty, Jay.
SPEAKER_03Did you go throw some tile down that later that day? And I went home. I went right away to Quick Drip and I got some beers. And then I drove home drinking.
SPEAKER_02Interesting. So that's how you solved the drunk driving tales.
SPEAKER_00He just cannot stop fucking with his stuff. It's my thing is dying, Dick.
SPEAKER_03Why was it unplugged? Because everyone mine just isn't charging. I don't know. Something's wrong. Beside the point. Yeah, no, I did actually go and get a couple drinks and I drove and drink it. I don't know. I just do stupid shit sometimes. I just wanted to relax a little bit. I had I was under pressure, okay? Under a ton of pressure.
SPEAKER_02Did you go to work the next day at least?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Today I worked. That was yesterday.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that was yesterday.
SPEAKER_00Then why'd you cancel last week because of jury duty?
SPEAKER_03I didn't cancel last week because of jury duty. I had to get shit done because I thought this whole entire week was going to be jury duty. I was scheduled from Monday too. Oh, yeah, you forget.
SPEAKER_02Jay cancels things because he might be inconvenienced.
SPEAKER_03Okay. I had things to finish for this week's jury duty. I thought I had to be in jury duty the entire week. I got so much shit done. I have nothing to do the next two days now.
SPEAKER_02I find you guilty of fucking snipping out on your jury.
SPEAKER_03Would you like to take this to the trial?
SPEAKER_02I would have much more than a channel. Would you like to take this to trial last week than this week? I have too many things to do this week.
SPEAKER_03Oh, well, you know what? I have a story now. There you go. I didn't have one last week. Now I do.
SPEAKER_00It's a good story. Thanks for contributing finally. Yeah. You son of a bitch.
SPEAKER_02Lead us out, Jake. Get us out of here. Turn the music out. Trail yourself off like you do to us every time we have a story.
Wrap Up And The Running Joke CTA
SPEAKER_03If you want to know what jury duty is all about, it sucks, but I'll tell you how to get out of it. Call me. My number is 575. Shit, I hit the wrong thing. Every Tuesday, top shelf stories in your ears on your favorite podcast platform. Remember, we're not just your favorite podcast. We're the top of the shelf podcast.
SPEAKER_00There you go. Just come up with that all on your own. It's good stuff. Yeah, right now. Peace out. Just now. Fucking legend.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
