Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Our Attraction Hot Takes Get Weird Fast
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We spiral from a simple “favorite” question into a full debate on boob views, sag versus perk, and the wild logic people use to defend their tastes. Along the way, we roast each other with a Home Depot analogy, pivot into gravity and aging, and wonder if women talk about bodies with the same blunt honesty.
• picking favorites and immediately escalating the question
• side boob, underboob, and how “imagination” changes the appeal
• arguing about sag, shape, and what even counts as “bad”
• the “lay on your back” test as a fake dating standard
• the Home Depot curled boards comparison for “shopping” preferences
• gravity, aging, and turning the jokes back on ourselves
• whether women talk about bodies the way we do
Tune us in every Tuesday on your favorite podcast. You can hit the bell, subscribe. You'll know when we release new episodes. Sometimes they come out on Fridays, even. Bonus zodes.
Cold Open And Favorite Picks
SPEAKER_02Hey Tony.
SPEAKER_00Why did they do something that says do not use it?
SPEAKER_02Tony, what's your favorite? Spice Girl. Scary Spice. What's your favorite boob? View. Boob view. Under. Under? Definitely. I'm a side guy. Side boob, dude. I'm a side guy 100%. Side boob, it does nothing for me.
Underboob, Side Boob, And Sag Logic
SPEAKER_00How do you get under the saggy boobs you like, anyways, without being as short as J. Well.
SPEAKER_02How do you see the under of a saggy boob? Because if the saggy boobs just right, they you can see the under boob of a big book. Oh, it's all of the regular t-shirt. That's a tall bitch. That's what tall bitch. Yeah, dude. Regular t-shirt, long tit, you can see the bottom on it.
SPEAKER_01Even if you cannot see their nipples, the best thing is that's a good side recording? Boob. Yes, I am. Oh, okay. A side boob is the one that everyone wants to see. No, dude.
SPEAKER_00What about full see-through the shirt boob? Oh, that's the best. It's the full see-through the shirt. But is it wet?
SPEAKER_01Is it wet? Like the shirt?
SPEAKER_02I want my imagination. I want my imagination to fill in the top half. I only want to see the bottom half and then imagine what the middle looks like. Jeez.
SPEAKER_01Like a tube. When you say you like the hanging ones, you're thinking of nipples that touch like are shooting downwards.
SPEAKER_00I think you I think of what he thinks spoobs should look like is a tube sock with the feet kind of have like two more socks still stuck in it, so they stick out a little, but more down by the lower rib cage than up by the top. Yeah, but there's they're like tubi. I just want some length.
SPEAKER_01I want I want to know. What's the first thing you do with those lengthy boobs though? Make them pick them up.
SPEAKER_02No, you make them up.
SPEAKER_00Can you tie them to it? Do we tie them in a nut?
The “Quality Boob” Back Test
SPEAKER_02My test, if I were single, to find a quality boob, would be to make the woman lay on her back and whether or not they actually make it to her armpit is my determining factor or whether she's marriage material or not. We can get to know each other later.
SPEAKER_00Let's just get a few things straight. I need you to lay down on your back and take her bra off. I need to see how far away your nipples are. So this some people do like the finger test where you touch your thumbs together, and if you go like this, if their butt's wider than this, it's no good or something. Yeah, she's too good, she's too meaty for you. You do this with nipples when she's laying on her back.
SPEAKER_01Here's the thing, though, I do not believe Tony when he says he likes droopy ass boobs. Why? I just don't believe it. I just I feel like you're lying. Jay and you're trying to be funny.
SPEAKER_02Jay, there's somebody out there for everyone. It's not one person. Tony, I'm I'm pretty sure that there is more droopy boobs than there are perky ones. Yeah, dude. So, like I don't know about that. In a single market, I'm winning. Wouldn't you rather go to the You're running around trying to find a 45-year-old woman with fucking perky
The Home Depot Curled Board Analogy
SPEAKER_02tits?
SPEAKER_00Tony's like the guy who shows up at the home. He shows up at the Home Depot and goes to the lumber section with his cart, and he's like, these boards aren't curled enough. Tony Do your curled boards. Like, why are these so strong? And they're like, oh, thank God we've been waiting for you. And you take them to this secret area where it's all the wood. All of the wood you can ever want. You ever go to Home Dupo, they don't have any two by four? It looks like a branch. It's because they're all back. They look like branches.
SPEAKER_02There's guys like Tony just sifting through them, dude, trying to find the quality curves.
SPEAKER_00They're curvy and sticky, too.
SPEAKER_01I just sticky. What the fuck? No, but the uh the side boob was for me, and uh uh Tony's got the the drop. I don't understand. I don't know. There is no bottom boob when it's sagging that much. Or and if they they they fall into their armpits. There's no bad boob. Yeah, there is. There really is. Tony's description right now. That's a bad boob. Nah.
SPEAKER_02Dude, my the tits I like account for probably 70% of adult women.
SPEAKER_01I think you're way wrong. I think I'm way right.
Gravity Hits Everyone Eventually
SPEAKER_01Here's the thing. Look at girls could say the same thing about guys' balls. Yeah. Maybe they don't like so well. Sometimes they like feeling them, but they say every guy's balls drop at 40 something, whatever years. Mine are still up there, man. Mine are still fine. And I don't wear tight ass underwear. Yes. And I don't wear tight ass underwear, keeping them high up like girls do with their push-up bras to keep their tits up from not uh having you know gravity pull them down.
SPEAKER_02You don't wear a push-up sack holster? No. And my balls are telling me. You should see the cleavage from the back on these things.
SPEAKER_00So you don't know the temperature of the toilet water because your balls strap in there? Is that what you're saying? Are you serious? Like, can your balls hit the toilet water? I don't think so, actually. Maybe on a really warm day.
SPEAKER_01Shit the fuck out of here. There's no way.
SPEAKER_00Really warm day.
SPEAKER_02Unless you have like a ton of water in your ball. Warm day old school toilet where they actually did the 1.6 per flush.
SPEAKER_00It fills that tank up a little higher. Yeah, dude. There's no way.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, my shit's mushits in a hot tub bath at fucking old school toilets. You got droopy ass balls? I mean 42 years old, Jay. I think they're proportionate. Maybe that's the reason why you like droopy titties because your balls droop.
SPEAKER_00Misery likes company,
Do Women Talk Like This
SPEAKER_00you said.
SPEAKER_01Do you think girls talk about this? Like, hey, what's your favorite ball? Underball or sideball? No, I don't think so. I guarantee you there's other boobs too.
SPEAKER_00No, there's they do. I guarantee you. Boobs are it. Everyone loves boobs. There's no bad thing.
SPEAKER_01Even women like boobs. Yes.
SPEAKER_00I agree.
SPEAKER_01All boobs. How do you not?
SPEAKER_00Girls want to touch each other's boobs. They want to try on each other's swimsuits and look at each other's.
SPEAKER_01When you're a baby, you're still a girl sucking on a titty.
SPEAKER_02They all like boobs. Right. Every kid, every girl, every I don't know, man. I know that somewhere out there, there's three women sitting in a triangle formation playing with each other's. Talking about whether or not it's just in a circle. Everyone has a boob in right now. Whether they like, you know, like fat short ones.
SPEAKER_00There's trying a podcast being recorded right now about it. You think so? Yeah. Bottom ball stories.
SPEAKER_01Do you think girls talk about guys? Like, hey, look at that guy's ass.
SPEAKER_00The top shelf is a euphemism. Euphanism? That sounds right. For boobs. I wouldn't even know if you were wrong. It's a top shelf. Yeah, I mean. We should talk about boobs more. I'd appreciate that, to be honest with you. I mean, I could keep going, but our time's up. Okay.
Veiny Boobs And Quick Sign Off
SPEAKER_01Every Tuesday, time channel.
SPEAKER_00We forgot to talk about veiny boobs next time.
SPEAKER_02Oh, veiny boobs aren't that bad. Give me a dominant fane running right down the brush middle.
SPEAKER_00Well, that was about it. All right, hit the fucking music right now. All right, all right. Yeah. Yeah. Tune us in every Tuesday on your favorite podcast. You can hit the bell, subscribe. You'll know when we release new episodes. Sometimes they come out on Fridays, even. Bonus zodes. Bonus zods.
