Boner Myths: A Candid Hangout

We riff on winter’s slow drag, a couch that eats your legs, and the sketchy promises of gas station enhancers while poking at the line between science and sales. Jokes carry us, but we land on honest questions about performance myths, generics, and holiday brain fog.

• deep couch banter and winter mood
• bald tires, slow driving, and freeway honks
• pharma patents, brand-name power, and generics
• the myth and marketing of gas station pills
• comedy as cover for taboo questions
• holiday haze and a rental car tangent

Transcript

Deep Couch Banter

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony. What is going on, guys? Oh, nothing much. Jay, how are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Good. Tony looks so super relaxed. Like he's never sat more down in that couch I've ever seen him. It's a deep couch. Yeah, I can never touch the ground when I sit in that thing. That's why I'm over here. Oh, hell no.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Welcome to Top Shelf.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

You can't even bend your knees on this couch.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

It hurts to sit on that thing. You've got to be really tall, and even you like halfway.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

I'm halfway laying down when I'm sitting as a normal person. If that makes any sense.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Yeah, when you sit on that couch, it looks like those like vacation photo prompt big beach chairs that are in some beach towns. You know what I'm talking about? They're like in the roundabout at the center of town.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

Yeah, yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Welcome to St. Augustine. And you sit in it and you're real tiny in it. That's what you look like in that camera.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Yeah, it's super awkward because I had nothing supporting my legs.

unknown 1:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

You're just trying to from upper ankle down, you're just kicking feet straight out.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

My legs get numb every time I sit there.

Winter Blues And Bald Tires

SPEAKER_00 1:31

So, how you guys been? It's wintertime around here. It's getting cold out. It's uh it's everyone's moving around all slow out there.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

It's actually terrible. My my tires are so bald, I can't drive very I have to go drive slow. Yeah, yeah. I get beeped at all the time on the freeway because I'm 10 miles under.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Weren't you just telling us like 10 minutes ago how you're making new snow tire money every like five hours? Here's made up shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Here's always you right away when you can tell Tony's making something up.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

It's like, weren't you just telling us you just every time he's every day I'm cashing checks for like five grand every day? Yeah, but that wasn't snow tire money. That was prostitute money. That's gambling money.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

That was selling my dick.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Jeez, man. They pay with checks. You've been taking checks for dick pics.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

You've been spending all that work money on Bluetooth. What's that? Bluetooth? Yeah. That's like the uh internet version of Viagra, I think.

Brand Drugs Vs Generics

SPEAKER_00 2:32

I think these I think these name brand companies, they have the ultimate scam. So they get a patent for some type of thing that does medicine that does something. And for like the government says, Alright, fine, for seven or six years or whatever, you're the only one who can sell this stuff, right? And so then they're selling it and they're giving it away as like designer shit to their high-end clients, and they're just cures this, that, or the other thing. In this case, your erection cures your erection, makes you horny, makes you want to bang your wife. They get this name brand shit, right? And then all of a sudden they're like, well, after a few years, they can do these unnamed, non-name brands, right? Like, what's the alternative to? Like the blue chew is an alternative to. And now you can get them in the mail order. And I think like most people probably didn't even know what the designer drug was until the off-brand shit started trying to sell it as similar to Yeah. Like when you I first heard of Viagra, it was like, take this, it's similar to a Viagra.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

How come when I when I watch a movie? Okay, maybe this is just me thinking out loud, but when I watch a movie, they say that when you take Viagra, it's not only being able to get up for your wife, uh, your dick actually grows and size. Sure. So why it's a miracle drug. So why so they sell this stuff at the gas station. I see them all the time. Like corny goatweed, like rhino, rhino plaster or fucking, you know, jabbers. You know, all the weirdest fucking names you can think of, like you just said.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Yeah. Shabbers, and they're all similar to something, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:17

Always.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

And I always thought I always kind of wanted to try one just to see if my dick would get a little bigger. I never have. Have you guys ever tried one? Like that's if you want to. Would you tell me if you guys actually did buy one or tried one anything?

SPEAKER_00 4:36

No, I've never done gas station hard on drugs.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Okay, no, well, but like a wiener pills.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Would you okay, no wiener pills at all? I haven't had to do that. Tony? Been lucky enough.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

But you ever just wanted to like supersize it for a weekend? Actually, I was looking for something to repeat. Wait a minute. How did we get on this?

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Where do we get into this? Let's where do how did we even get into this?

SPEAKER_01 4:57

This is your story, Chris.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

How did this get into this topic?

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Oh no. I was thinking about it because actually I was I was watching the Kevin Hart's uh comedy special last night and he was talking about dick pills, and it's just like it came up. There you go. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

No, I was talking about how it's wintertime and everyone's moving slow. Taking dick pills and whatnot.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Yeah. If it's wintertime, it shrinks the shit. It's cold.

Kevin Hart Bit Sparks Confessions

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Shrink it. You want to make it bigger. So you know, it's the holiday season, too. We're coming around to the end of the year. And uh yeah, I don't know how I'm gonna get to there, but so at the end of the year or what? When your holidays I recently had to take my car in for service and I was driving in a rental car. Okay. Did you find a gun in there?

SPEAKER_02 5:51

Funny bringing up an old unaired episode. I didn't expect you to get that right away, but it happened.

Holiday Drift And Rental Car Aside

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Alright, I quit. No, no, no. Cut it off. Cut it. I'm done. I'm done.

Spiral, Self-Aware Meltdown, Fade

SPEAKER_02 6:11

So how are you doing, Tony? Oh, I was just thinking about taking a boner pill and chill it. Just hang with the bros, you know? Start it over. Turn it off. That was going good. No, it wasn't.