Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
He “Insures Himself,” My Handle Says Otherwise
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Three hosts weigh whether to confront a stranger after a hard door slam and unpack how to handle minor damage, rental car risk, and insurance gray areas. We trade stories, share practical steps, and settle on a calm, safety-first playbook for parking lot mishaps.
• how our intro started and stuck
• a hard door hit and first reactions
• assess damage versus escalate the talk
• photos, licenses, and rentals
• small scuffs versus body-line creases
• parking far away and still getting hit
• training kids to open doors safely
• sticky seatbelts denting door jambs
• uninsured drivers and police reports
• cash settlements, ethics, and claims
• what matters more than perfect panels
Origin Of The Intro
SPEAKER_02Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony. What's up, guys? Yo, dude. What's up, listeners? It's Chris, Jay, and Tony.
SPEAKER_01Why is Tony always last?
SPEAKER_02I don't know.
SPEAKER_01It's okay.
SPEAKER_02It's the way it goes. The person in the beginning of the episode said it that way. And so now I say it that way.
SPEAKER_01You are used to listening that way, yes.
SPEAKER_02I can't believe I didn't put my name first when I said the introduction. Why didn't I say my name first?
SPEAKER_01I've been confused every time I start listening to the episode.
SPEAKER_02We couldn't figure out what to do for an intro, and then I was like, we should just say top shelf stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony and play the music. And then we just did it, and that was it.
SPEAKER_01No, it wasn't that. We recorded and you you said the intro out of nowhere one time. That was it. One time. One take.
SPEAKER_02I don't even like it. But Tony was like, that's perfect. Yeah, that's it. That's perfect. We've been debating on what to do for so long and whatever. I know.
SPEAKER_00Jay take 145 takes, and every single one of them was like a quarter second, and then it was hit me again. Oh yeah. I've been hit so many times.
SPEAKER_02And I've listened to some podcasts where they do the like the AI voice. The you are listening to the robot voice podcast. That's why we had you do it. Yeah. It worked out for you.
SPEAKER_01Don't sound like a robot.
SPEAKER_02Alright, so I was in like a weird uh what do you do in this situation thing? Did you find a gun in a rental car?
The Door Ding Incident Begins
SPEAKER_00Close.
SPEAKER_02You gotta get that in there. I I was sitting in my car. It was a rented car. Alright. And this guy pulled his car in next to my spot that I was just about to exit. I was waiting for my car to warm up because it's cold around here. And I'm thinking about where I'm going to go. In fact, I was going to pick up my car from service. And this guy swings, apparently, swings his door open, and I notice when it hits my car and shook me from side to side in my seat in an SUV car. And I look over my right shoulder and I'm like, oh gosh darn it. I have to go see what the heck happened here. He's it moved the car. So I got out of the car, walked around. Now, so this would be my first thing. What do you guys do? Do you get out and say something? Do you not say pretend it didn't even, you didn't even notice? Or do you kind of like look out your back window and wave the person off like, don't worry about it. It's a door ding, that shit happens.
SPEAKER_01I get out the car and I start shooting my gun.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, first thing I do is put my gun in my pocket. Gun compartment. I don't know how this conversation with this person's gonna go. Okay. I need to be ready.
Confrontation Or Let It Slide
SPEAKER_02See, that's not a bad see. I kind of thought of that for a second. I was like, okay, is it safe for me to go out and like address this in situation? Because you can't really see the person from your seat next to you. They was on my so it was they pulled in to my passenger side. So I couldn't quite see who it was, what it was. It was an angle parking in on a street, but like you would do in a parking lot. And I decided to get out. So I get out and I address the person, and I'm like, it turns out it's like this sixty-four to seventy year old man, white hair, black trench coat. It's a SUV, like a suburban or something, or escalade, truck, whatever, very nice car, very nice dressed man. And I say, Hey, how are you? And he says, Hi. And I'm like, Well, I just wanted to come out and see how bad the door ding was. And he goes, What do you mean? And I'm like, Well, you your door flew open and it hit the car here. He's like, No way. I'm like, no, it was so hard I helped it shake back and forth. And he's like, Wow, no way. And I'm like, he goes, What are you gonna what do you want to do? Like, call the cops? I'm like, no, I don't want to call the cops, but I do want to have you and I discuss the fact that you swung your door open and it smacked my car. And at this point, I this guy is like ready to like dismiss me off, like screw off whatever buddy, right? So I'll pause there. So do you press on or do you be like, okay, this guy's whatever, right?
SPEAKER_00I would uh by this time of the conversation, I would have already assessed the damage uh to my car and took taken pictures of the paint from my car on his door.
SPEAKER_01Tony, would you uh before assess the s the situation, would you have lifted your shirt up and showed him showed him your gun and say, We have a problem here? Well, I mean, that's the I mean, isn't that the first thing you do? That's what I'm saying. Was that the first thing you would do?
SPEAKER_02So because of the heights of these vehicles and the way they were parked, there wasn't actually a door ding in the door, but it was on the handle. Right? But it wasn't that bad at all. And I was I looked at it and I was like, no, it's not. But I like, I feel like I should get your identification. I'm in a rental car. And if they come to me, I'm gonna come to you. He's like, Well, that's okay. The good thing though is they never really look at handles, but he goes, he scrubs on it with his thumb and he's like, Look, I fixed it. I'm like, buddy, come on. Like, you did like, yeah, I know. And it was nothing. Do you spit on your car too? Yeah, he spat on his finger and like fucking rubbed it on there, and I'm like, bro. And then I'm like, you know, just let me take a picture of your driver's license. Because there's a small little scuff on it's it was nothing, it was nothing. But at this time, the guy's being kind of a prick. Can't do that. Well, he goes, I'll grab my license, and then he started talking about, and I noticed he was like a one-armed man, his left arm was paralyzed. Wait, the one-armed man never does it. He wasn't a one-armed man, it was always it wasn't me, it was the one-armed man.
SPEAKER_01That's right, I know.
SPEAKER_02But he had he had a paralyzed arm, and he started trying to like use it. I felt like he was trying to use it as a sympathy thing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And you're like, what's up with the hand? You fuck it up dinging somebody else's door earlier. Because he really felt like a jag.
SPEAKER_02And then I I go, no, well, no, that that's what it was. I asked him for his insurance, and he goes, I insure myself. Oh, sovereign citizen. I run an insurance agency in this building here. I was like, bro, so you know why I want to ask you for your information. Why are you so you know, I guess the what I'm asking here is like, do you address a door ding as a door dinger? Do you say something? And how many times, I guess, have you like actively been like in a hit and run door ding? He wanted a hit and run, like it didn't happen. He hit the thing so freaking hard, the whole car shook. Otherwise, I wouldn't have got out either. Holy shit. It was like four degrees. It was snowing, it was terrible, it was miserable.
SPEAKER_00So my wife got her car uh early this year. Her current car. And within two weeks of having it, it happens, man. She had two substantial dings in the body line that I can't even look at the passenger side of this fucking car anymore.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, those those she's gotta she's gotta relocate her her parking.
Assessing Damage And Taking Info
SPEAKER_02You she those crease of the body line ones are the worst.
SPEAKER_00She's gotta park far away. Yeah, one was done in the parking lot, and one was done by uh kids at Riverbend at our campground. Uh well, you saw him do it? Yeah, some kid that shouldn't have been on an electric scooter fucking crashed into her car. Christ. Uh and not an electric scooter. Um whatever, I'll get you. Yeah, something. Yeah, it was an electric scooter because it was a handlebar that fucking smashed into it. And uh, she took it very well. My car um actually uh my last truck, but this was uh last summer, it was still really new. Um, had no damage on it the whole time I had it, except my front bumper where I smashed into somebody. Yeah, I remember that.
SPEAKER_02It was monster smash.
SPEAKER_00I left it that way for about a year. I thought that's the same truck. No, different truck. But I I got the bumper fixed. But I got the bumper fixed, and as soon as I got it fixed, um, I pulled up on a job site and the interior designer was meeting me, and she's uh the politest way I know how to say a very large lady, and large ladies ain't very uh I don't know, great graceful getting out of cars. Mobile. Right. So I'm sitting in my car and she pulls up on my passenger's side, and she opened up her door and basically kicked it open into side of my truck and put a nasty body line door ding into it, and uh fucked up the door on her BMW pretty pretty decently, and I got out of my car and you know, I'm doing work for this lady and shit like that, and like I was gonna say something, and she goes, Oh, I think I hit your car a little. Sorry about that. And uh that was all that was said about it. I just went on with my business.
SPEAKER_02Cause it's gonna happen, right? Yep, and you either see it happen or you just notice that ah, what the fuck is that? But what do you do? You can it's an unavoidable thing, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, it's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02But when you see it happen, I guess it sounds like you just move along. I didn't know what to do either. I'm like, what are you gonna do?
SPEAKER_00Like, yeah, I mean, I guess it's situation dependent.
SPEAKER_02I only got the guy's information because it wasn't actually my car.
When Dings Happen To You
SPEAKER_00So so I made I made this rule. I have a lot of rules in my life, but if I'm going someplace on an airplane that I really don't want to go, uh you yell bomb when you're in line? No, the the way my wife can agree uh make it agreeable for me to go is uh our rental car has to be a luxury car. Like Mercedes, yeah, BMW. Like a Mercedes, a BMW, uh minimum of a Cadillac. And the first time I constituted this rule, uh, it was uh brand new, like it had nine miles on it, Cadillac. Nine? Yeah, it was fucking like brand brand new. That's crazy. And it was this nice Cadillac, and we drove it from the airport straight to a little restaurant that you may or may not know. It's called the Cracker Barrel. Heard of them. Um right outside of Washington, DC. And uh I park at the very, very back end of the parking lot. I'm like, I don't want to fuck this car up, blah, blah, blah. It's it's too new, like, there's no getting out of it. If you bring it back with a dent, they're like it was you. Yeah. So uh I park in like one of the back spots, like 40 spaces away from any car. And uh, we get out of the restaurant and there's a car parked next to me, and the fucking door is dinged. Oh man. But uh, I took out the extra insurance, so I didn't even say anything. But I was like, dude, this guy obviously knew I parked way the fuck back here to stay away from people like him, and then he dinged my shit anyway.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I I don't know. I'm extremely careful to never door ding somebody.
SPEAKER_00I I know for a fact my 12-year-old when he was about six, uh, I know I remember being in the car when he door dinged the car so hard that our door got stuck into their car. Yeah, that's oh my god.
SPEAKER_02That is not good.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, kids, you you have to you have to yell the kids every time they get out of the car.
SPEAKER_02My kid learns she picks things up pretty quick. And uh, she did ding one time, or or maybe it wasn't a ding, it was just one of those I saw the car door fly open. I'm like, okay. I gotta get this kid to start now, not door dinging people. Because you don't want to that I mean the door ding is a social.
SPEAKER_01So would you always would you always leave a note, or I mean, would you drive off? Depending upon the the the how bad the you know.
SPEAKER_02I don't remember the last time that I had opened my door and let it hit someone else's car.
SPEAKER_01Let me just say, and you know but i if it happened, what would you do?
SPEAKER_02That's that's what I'm asking here. But I I think if the person's there, I'm saying something. If they're not there. I if I have something to write on, I could I don't know. I guess I don't know what I would do. You wait a minute, I guess. Like you fucking it sucks. Let's say this is a you assess the situation, you do try to scrub it with your shirt, right? Give it a little coat elbow rubbing.
SPEAKER_01What if it's a tiny little ding, or if it's okay, compared to a tiny little ding, or something just like obvious, like it's a fucking river. Like most.
SPEAKER_02If you messed it up bad, you gotta figure it.
SPEAKER_01You gotta Okay, but if it's just like eh. I mean, that can be unnoticed until you wash your car.
SPEAKER_02Like, do you do you come in what'd you do? I would pull back out of the spot and go park somewhere else.
SPEAKER_01I mean, that goes without saying. Yeah. So you both would do it then? You both would be dishonest. No, not would. Have all you have, okay.
SPEAKER_02It's an inevitable thing. I I guess it's one of those things. It's like when you take a dump in the unisex bathroom and the next person in line is a hot chick. Like, what are you supposed to say? Sorry? Do you say sorry because you stuck up the shitter? Do you instantly think to your head, did I put the seat down? Did I wash my hands? Did I leave the sink on? Like, or do you just realize that everybody poops? Leave a note. Everybody thinks leave a note in the toilet. Sorry. Sorry. Do you tell her to like hey, you want to let this guy in behind you first and wait another two or three minutes? Let that bitch hair out.
SPEAKER_01Just have have some tape in the back of the pocket.
SPEAKER_02It's a door ding. What do you do? You just gotta train your little humans to not do it.
SPEAKER_01Just have some construction tape back of your pocket, say do not enter. Yeah. Put across the door.
SPEAKER_02As you're exiting.
SPEAKER_00So do either of you guys have stainless steel appliances?
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. No. How many dings are on your stainless steel appliances?
SPEAKER_01Uh, yeah, there's a couple. They're not too bad. Well, the way my kitchen is constructed, it's it's a very narrow. So I mean, you can't get a running start into anything.
SPEAKER_02You can't really hit shit much.
Parking Far Away Still Fails
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there's no way to actually open anything or throw just drop it. There's there's no way to dent it. You scream it scratch the shit always. And I don't know if we know why they make stainless steel. It should be it should be something else. I think it should just be standard steel. No. Painted white. It should just be something else. They haven't invented it yet. Well, wait. We'll wait ten years from now. There'd be something weird.
SPEAKER_00Don't worry, dude. It won't be too long. We'll be tiling the front of refrigerators.
SPEAKER_02Well, no. I mean, they invented it a long time ago. It's styrofoam. My mom actually tile it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01My mom asked.
SPEAKER_02Tile styrofoam.
SPEAKER_01Asked my dad, or she asked me to can you tile the front of our our uh our uh grill? She got they have a grill outside and she wants it to look like camouflaged almost. Can you tile the front of that? That's what it made me think of that. I don't know why you couldn't. Why not? It's just a drawer, it's just a door. I know, but nothing sticks to steel. I maybe you can add some uh like additives that they use in in tile world, but still the the weather to steel. Weather is the problem. You magnets stick to steel.
SPEAKER_02It's fucking magnet up. Magnet up or lick and stick some tiles and ground it for your mom. She doesn't need it to be the right way, she just needs it to look the right way.
SPEAKER_01No, so she painted it. And it's peeling off. I mean, imagine paint peeling off. What the fuck tile's gonna do? It's gonna not stay there. It's gonna fall.
SPEAKER_00It's just funny that your mom took matters into her own hands and made it worse.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, she my dad's like, Joe, this is a$2,000 grill. You just fucked it up. Where the fuck? She's like, You weren't home. I had to do something about it. Did she paint bricks on a friend? Yes! Shut up. No, I'll I don't have a picture of it, but I if I did, I would send it to Bricks. Yes, bricks. That's what she does everywhere. She fucking paints different color bricks. Does it in the stuff? She wants me to tile the steps outside. Yeah, I don't know why what what whatever. But yeah, again, Chris, what you were saying about, you know, if that guy did that, you know, I mean, tackle him. Go outside and just tackle him. It doesn't matter if he's 80. Break his hip.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna call him up and get auto insurance quote from him. So I decided.
SPEAKER_01He's smart. He's gonna, he's gonna get he's gonna elude that. He's going to understand and figure out a way around it. He's been around. I'm just gonna get a quote.
SPEAKER_02No, he he knows to pay him money every month as car insurance. He's gonna be my new car insurance agent. That's how you meet your car insurgent.
SPEAKER_00After you get the current claim settled out.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I got canceled because I had to pay$18,000 for this door ding.
SPEAKER_01You know what's great about my car?
SPEAKER_02It's really small and you can carry it inside when you're done using it.
SPEAKER_00That when a standard car opened its store, it's over your car's roof.
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's so short. I I don't care about how it looks.
SPEAKER_00So ding the shit out of it all you want. I could just see you fast and furious driving underneath regular cars. So weaving in and out of the traffic.
SPEAKER_01So I uh at the span of two years, I was uh not me, other people hit into me uh over a span of two years, and this was uh probably like five years ago, and I got paid out for every one of them because I didn't care about my car, I didn't want to fix it. So basically, I was at a stoplight or I was in someone's driveway and they backed into my car. And you know, you you go through their insurance company and they give you a call. You just get keep getting paid for the same dentist. Exactly. I'm like, whoa, well, how'd you hit me in the back and the front? What happened here? Why why does this look like the and I knew that dent was already there because it's been there for years, too. Not true. You should probably chill talking about insurance fraud. I don't give a shit. It's not insurance fraud, it's actually legal to take that money and use it to your own leisure. It's called cash settlement or something. It's called America. Okay, it's called America.
Kids, Seatbelts, And Training Habits
SPEAKER_02It's called the opposite thing where some guy smacked me and then didn't have insurance. And then so I was fucked.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you are fucked.
SPEAKER_02I didn't get shit. Call the police. I got a letter in the mail that said, hey, in fact, it was today. If you want to drive down to Illinois and come look at his court date, we'll tell you how bad we're gonna fuck him for all these tickets. Because he didn't have insurance, he was on attentive driving at minimum, probably speeding, damage, and probably has like he probably got like 15 tickets today and like$8,000 in fines. And I won't get a look at that. Nope. But they wanted to know if I wanted to come down and see him in court.
SPEAKER_01Like, why would I go to that? Well, that's where they make it illegal to have not no insurance in Muscot.
SPEAKER_02So yeah, I'm gonna look it up on everyone whatever the internet and see what he got charged with, and then decide if he got charged with a bunch of shit. Don't you think to see someone's yeah, I gotta pay the get his record. I'm part of I'm a participant or I'm a victim. I'm a victim in the crime.
SPEAKER_01But it doesn't matter you still have to pay.
SPEAKER_02Uh as a victim, I don't think I have to pay for the report. Really? Yeah, I had to sign up for some shit, but I don't think I have to pay for the report.
SPEAKER_01It just takes longer. No, I just go online and get it. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02But once I see what he got charged with, I might sue him.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Wait, what?
SPEAKER_00Oh, I thought he sexually assaulted you.
SPEAKER_02No, no, there was no sexual assault.
SPEAKER_01That you know of.
SPEAKER_02I didn't even make I didn't even.
SPEAKER_01You might have been knocked out. We didn't make ice. He shot you with the tranquilizer dart. You fell asleep for an hour, and you're when you woke up, what happened? I don't remember. You weren't walking right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02No, I mean door dings, rear endings, what are you gonna do? I don't know. You just gotta you gotta roll with the punches. Like I got the when I bought a new car, I didn't buy a brand new, because I was like, if there's if there's not already things wrong with this, I I can't own it. I'll be too fucked.
SPEAKER_01Okay, what do you think about this?
SPEAKER_02I'm already not I'm already shaking my shoes off and double wiping the screens and you know, and it's already two years old with 60,000 miles on it.
SPEAKER_01Let me ask you this. Okay, so like you all know, my wife drives on the passenger, okay.
SPEAKER_00Oh, dude, your grandpa's gotta be rolling over in his grave right now.
SPEAKER_01What about a fucking pussy grandkid of mine? Tony, I have a dad too. I mean, does he have any say in this? Just my grandpa wouldn't care, not my dad.
SPEAKER_00No, your dad's probably just more disappointed in himself for the way he raised you. But your grandpa, he's looking at it like these fucking pussies that came from uh you know how much I can get done while not driving on my phone?
SPEAKER_01I have a lot of things I can do. Yeah. Gambling. Gambling. Watch YouTube, studying for gambling. Gambling. So this is the thing that I always get yelled at from her when I get out of the car. Her seatbelt for some time uh for some reason gets stuck a lot. So I get out of the car, the stupid seatbelt doesn't zip back up into its proper position, and I shut the door, and then the fucking door shuts on the seatbelt, denting the inside of the car. So there's like 25 dents going up and down the side of the inside of the car. And I'm just like, she yells at me for it, and I'm like, who who cares? It's just the it's the inside of the car. It's you're only gonna see if you open the door. I mean, outside looks great. It's an amazing car. So would that bother you that it keeps?
SPEAKER_00I mean, oh, I would make my wife take an Uber everywhere we went if she did that. That would bother you. Yeah, so my why?
SPEAKER_02So my hey, I would tell you, I just bought this car. I owe thousands, tens of tension.
SPEAKER_01Do you think that's thousands of do you think that drops the value of a car, have an inside doesn't matter?
SPEAKER_02So my kid left the car once and the seatbelt slammed in the door. What do you mean? It happened just like you said. She left, she exited the vehicle in the passenger side rear seat and closed the door, but the seatbelt was in the way and it made a big dent, and she had to double close the door, just like you're talking about.
SPEAKER_01It happened, yeah, it happens lots of times.
SPEAKER_02I asked her to make sure that she never lets that happen again, and it never happened again. But I also took it to the car dealership and I had them fix all four car doors, seat belts. I have all four seat belts got replaced under a warranty.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so the seat belts.
SPEAKER_02They're defective.
SPEAKER_01Okay, yeah, then that's not my problem.
SPEAKER_02They're defective, and it scratched and dented up the door jam. Then, yeah, that pisses me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but that's the inside of the door jam. It's like you know.
SPEAKER_02I have to go out and get a clear coat, paint.
Insurance, Claims, And Gray Areas
SPEAKER_01Get out of here. Why would you want to do that? So that doesn't rust. You know what? Basically, that's the part of the car you don't clean when you clean your car.
SPEAKER_02It's like blooded dirty. I always clean that bike. What do you do with the wipes? After you clean everything else, what do you do with the wipe? You still clean wipe in the garbage, or do you take it around the door jam where it's already dirty and use it up? The only time that's ever visible.
SPEAKER_01The only time that's ever visible is when you open the door, shut, or open the door, and look. That's the only time it's visible. Hey, do you wipe your ass?
SPEAKER_02Nobody looks like it's a little bit.
SPEAKER_00The only time you can see it is when your underwear's off.
SPEAKER_01I mean, my underwear's off a lot less than the doors open.
SPEAKER_02Laying on your bed with your legs over your head and your mirrored ceiling. Hey, guess what? I can't how do you look at your own butthole?
SPEAKER_01I can't dent my butthole and or scratch it. It heals itself. It heals her dumb. Yeah, that was the first episode. Maybe. No, but why would that matter? Doesn't matter. It matters to psychos. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So basically, the moral of the story is that if someone dings your car, you should go talk to them. Some say you might want to have a gun on you.
SPEAKER_00If you're in a rental, there might be one under the seat that you could access pretty easily.
SPEAKER_02Check under the seat in all your rentals. And that's Top Shelf Story with Jay, Chris, and Tony. Check out next week. Don't worry about it. Quietly tell the people how to connect with us. Very quietly.
SPEAKER_01I just like what Tony's looking at me when I'm mumbling.
