Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Greasy Spoons And Guilty Pleasures
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We chase the middle ground of dining—greasy spoons, truck stops, and tiny cafes—and debate why imperfect local spots often beat predictable chains. Stories of road trips, buffets with legends, eggs cooked just right, and the strange comfort found in messy kitchens.
• choosing local diners over chains on long drives
• how smell, vibe, and regulars signal a good spot
• the case for bacon, eggs, grits, and simple plates
• kitchen realities, myths, and when to send food back
• road stories from truck stops to small-town counters
• why memorable service moments beat corporate polish
“Tell us your story of the time you got pubes on your eggs”
Setting The Table And Today’s Question
SPEAKER_03Top Shelf Stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_00What's up, everybody? Welcome to another fabulous episode of Top Shelf Stories. Today I'm gonna be your host, and I am Tony.
SPEAKER_01Um I'm honored to be here with you, Tony. He always does that shit.
SPEAKER_03As a co-host, yeah. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01That's what puts him in the in the mood to tell you.
SPEAKER_00We got a special guest on the show. Jay Wisnowski. Jay, Jay, the working behind the glass.
SPEAKER_03How's the glass?
SPEAKER_00We brought him from behind the glass up to the microphone today.
SPEAKER_01I really am never here. To be honest, my mind is always somewhere else. That doesn't make any sense. I just because I can't speak very well.
SPEAKER_03I mean, I think about other things because you can't speak very well.
SPEAKER_01Did you ever think about going to get your GED? First off, I already said something stupid, so I didn't not start enough well.
SPEAKER_00No, I did not. Why? For what reason? Alright, so today I want to talk about uh what's your expectations in dining? I'm not talking about fine dining, I'm not talking about fast food, I'm talking about that middle spot. Well, that uh, as some would call it, greasy spoon.
SPEAKER_01So is this a place that you walk into or do you have to make a reservation?
SPEAKER_00No. So let's just say you're traveling from one state to another state, and uh you get about six hours in your drive and you you start looking at freeway signs. Like, are you stopping at a drive-thru place? Are you stopping at an iron skillet inside of a gas station?
SPEAKER_01Well, that's a totally different uh question.
SPEAKER_03Well, I'm I'm saying like typically when we travel, we are fully on board with snacks and sodas and whatever else already. Cooler's full. Like if we're traveling on a distance.
SPEAKER_01Chris is like, We're not stopping!
SPEAKER_03Eat what do you have? If we stop, a lot of times it's straight up quick trip because they got the food, they got your fuel you needed. It depends on the last-minute things like ice or you know, ground beef for the later or whatever. Our quick trip you get it right there, everywhere. They're like everywhere.
SPEAKER_01Are they in all stages? There's a version of quick trip in every stage.
Road-Trip Food Strategy
SPEAKER_03If you don't just go for the all-in-one stop, unfortunately, with child on board, it's most convenient to just do a quick fast food drive-thru or go in, use the bathroom, grab your food and walk and eat.
SPEAKER_00Okay. So I I totally started this wrong. This is like way off, way off where uh where I was trying to take it.
SPEAKER_03But okay, so sometimes it's like an Applebee's or an iron skillet or a lot of things.
SPEAKER_00So we're just gonna we're just gonna pretend that you're sick of being in the car and you want to stop and you want to get some bacon and eggs. Are you looking for a chain restaurant or are you looking for the little like looks like it's mildly condemned in the side of a gas station?
SPEAKER_03It's in a place in a in like uh strip mall that you can tell it used to be a George Webb's, but now it's like Kathy's corner cup of coffee.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Cafe? Yeah. I go for those if I can. Those are hard to find. If not, then you go for like just straight up like Denny's, I guess, right?
SPEAKER_00That would be the the But like does knowing that them little places are are typically dirty, like you can smell the fact that they're not clean when you walk through the door. Does that like bother you guys?
SPEAKER_03No, I've I've dined at wa waffle houses. I just picked up food from a wing stop, bro.
SPEAKER_01If I walked in somewhere and it smelt like fish and there was not any fish sold at this restaurant, I'd walk right out. I'm not going to at a place that stinks. No, that's the I'm gross. I mean, I don't even know why you asked that question.
SPEAKER_03I get I can't believe Chris, you would eat. Those are the finest places if they're still open but seem to have a foul order about them. The food has to be good.
SPEAKER_01It's because it's all first, no, they don't clean anything then. I mean, that's the most disgusting thing I ever heard. How? Why? Dude, you you go scrolls.
SPEAKER_03It's not any different than anywhere else, is how why. That's why.
SPEAKER_01I don't think it's because they have Febreze or know how to I know for a fact if my if I was I'm I'm with my family at this point, probably, right? Uh even when I go into like one of those uh they cook in front of you and give me the word hibachi. Hibachi. When I walk in there, the kids smell like fish. They sell fish there. Why are they so bad about fish? They're just bad about smell, like they'd freak out. Yeah, they're swearing. It smells like dirty pussy in here. Why didn't you go and do I'm not gonna say it? Um, no. I would walk and my kids would be out before before me. They'd walk and be like, Dad, what's this smell?
SPEAKER_00They'd run out before me. I can't imagine hibachi would be any fun with your family anyway. It's not. They don't they're just on there grilling beans for your wife. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01No, sorry, please. She brings her own beans to be refried. And my kids don't want anything but the rice.
SPEAKER_03They're like, give me a$38 plate of rice.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. No vegetables. Can you make sure you don't that meat doesn't touch the rice? Because if it does, at any point, they won't eat it. I can see her youngest bringing his own frozen chicken.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, why would you take your kids to a place like that? That doesn't make sense.
SPEAKER_01He's got them in his pocket. Can you chop these up and throw them in? He's got them in a bag so they don't get yeah, he hands him. Yeah, I dude, they definitely would do that. That's their favorite fucking meal, is is uh chicken fries or nuggets, uh frozen nuggets.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I've always been very partial to little little dirty diners.
Chains Versus Local Greasy Spoons
SPEAKER_03It's always the proximity to a railroad track is preferred. For real.
SPEAKER_01But Tony, what if it smelled bad, would you would you? I do it all the time. Oh my god, I don't understand you guys.
SPEAKER_03There's this Mexican place in Cadahea I go to, and there's never anyone in there but Chris always says this, I'm out, I'm leaving.
SPEAKER_01I can't be here with you guys.
SPEAKER_00I love like the rural truck stops. Um, you know, where you walk in and you see like you could tell immediately it's like the same four vets that meet there every morning. Yep. You know, uh but I think for me it all started back in back in high school. So back in high school, and in high school I didn't take it very seriously. It might come through with my vocabulary or my fucking job career. You got a you got a diploma. I didn't, so but uh shows it me more. Yeah, but mine was like a pity diploma, not from even a real high school, but we so me and the people that I uh associated with at the time, I couldn't even tell you their names anymore, but in high school they were very important to me, and we skipped school together every day. And we spent at least three days a week. We would leave at like 11 o'clock, and we would drive to our favorite restaurant in town, and it was uh it was the dirtiest of dirty Asian buffets.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I got my first share of favorite Asian buffets for sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so when you walk in, you walk past all the food you're gonna eat. Yeah. Like in fish tanks.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they're in a little heat fish tanks. Oh god, like you're trying to grow soy inside.
SPEAKER_00So uh we used to eat there constantly. It was like we, you know, we were teenagers, we didn't have shit for money.
SPEAKER_03Get stoned. The lunch special was$6.95, it came with a soda, it was limited, ice cream cone.
SPEAKER_00It was four dollars to eat the buffet there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you get full off the ice cream. A huge buffet. And then you well, you can't take stuff home, right?
SPEAKER_00Well, it's frowned upon.
SPEAKER_01But did it ever give it?
SPEAKER_00There's always a way.
SPEAKER_01Do they ever give you a to-go bag?
SPEAKER_00Or a bit? No, you gotta sneak it out. No, you gotta bring your own.
SPEAKER_01Why are you gonna fucking sneak it out?
SPEAKER_00Well, you take off a sock. Get out my fill that up with uh with peanut butter chicken.
SPEAKER_01Now I know why you are you don't mind eating in shitty smelling places. You're eating shit. But so later on in life.
SPEAKER_03Hold on. I want to tell, can I tell a Chinese restaurant story? Okay, so when I lived in uh I'll just say the city, it might narrow down the Chinese place in McGuanago. Okay, I don't know what it is. We would go to this Chinese place all the time.
SPEAKER_00And my boss I know the one in the strip mall next to the uh car wash.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so the boss sorry, oil change center. My boss at the time was like, dude, you guys can't keep eating there. That place is gross. We're like, whatever. It's like whatever. He's like, no, seriously, I'm gonna prove to you you can't keep eating there. So one day he decided after he was duck hunting earlier that morning, but forgot the ducks in the truck in the back of the suburban that he didn't want these birds anymore. So he went to the Chinese restaurant and sold it to them in the back alley of the fucking strip mall. Gross. I'll never eat at that Chinese restaurant ever again. Gross. So they bought the birds from him.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, was it? Oh yeah, a deep, deep discount. Was it a warm summer? They were rotting in his car.
SPEAKER_03Was it warm summer? All day long. Like he went duck hunting at four in the morning, three in the morning. Yeah. Then we went to work from six until three in the afternoon. Jesus Christ. And then he drove there and sold the ducks to the gal. Yep. We were pouring concrete that day. It was warm enough to pour concrete. Those birds weren't frozen in his back car.
SPEAKER_00Right. But they were buffet material.
SPEAKER_03So there you go. So Chinese buffet story, sidebar.
SPEAKER_00So I be I eventually become an adult, and now, you know, every month or two I'm going to the same buffet. And I start working in the floor covering industry, and the uh one of the accounts my boss at the time has is the company that owns the strip mall that the Asian buffets in. Why do people like buffets? Sorry.
Smell Tests And Cleanliness Lines
SPEAKER_03$4 or$5, you can eat as much as you want for as long as you want. You rarely, barely have to interact with the waitress. It's quick. Yep. Quick hot food, a lot of variety of foods.
SPEAKER_01I understand that all that, but like for uh actually eating something that's edible or good. It's good, it's a little chai chicken nugget.
SPEAKER_03It's not a good thing.
SPEAKER_00Your kids are eating chemical-based frozen chicken nuggets. So shut the fuck up. These are just the same chicken nuggets. We're talking quality of food.
SPEAKER_01Fried wontons. At least they don't get spoiled, they don't spoil. I could keep them outside for fucking years.
SPEAKER_03You get a happy endy hand and hand job if you tip.
SPEAKER_00Oh man, and with the mushu pork grease on it, it slides right up and down. But uh, so I'm working at um a business that's about to open up about three or four doors down from this Asian restaurant, and I'm there with uh with um the property manager of the building. And I said, Oh, that's that's crazy that I've been to that Asian buffet literally over a hundred times. Like a lot of people say, like, oh, I've eaten there a hundred times, but they don't mean it. What they mean is they've eaten there like 15 times and it just seems like a lot. But I've eaten at this buffet more than a hundred times at this point in my life. And I say to the guy, I'm like, Oh, they're closed down. I'm like, I wonder if they're closed for good. I've been to that place more than a hundred times, and he goes, Well, they're they're just temporarily closed, they're gonna open back up. And I go, Oh, what what was the issue? He goes, Well, they had a health inspection, like a drop-in health inspection, and he goes, uh they flood their basement, they keep water on the floor in their basement, and they grow all their herbs on the floor in their basement. And I said, I said, Oh, that's kind of crazy, but you know, kind of smart, I guess. You know, fucking grow your own shit in there for the hydroponics basement? Yeah, so they got this little fucking Asian rice field in the basement, and they're growing all their own whatever the fuck they use to put in their shit. MSG and uh They grow their own MSG. And I said, Oh man, that's that's crazy that they got shut down for that. He goes, Well, that's not why they got shut down. He goes, at night, like after they close, they were bringing in full goats and they were slaughtering them in the basement. And he goes, and they would hang them from the ceiling, and the blood from the goats was leaking and cross-contaminating all all this these herb gardens that they were growing in the flooded basement. What the fuck? And uh I was like, oh, that's fucking crazy. Like I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
SPEAKER_03He's like, that's not even why they got knocked out.
SPEAKER_00But in my head, all I could think of is I wonder when they're opening back up. Right.
SPEAKER_01When can I see Kim Young again and have her give me my orange soda? That's why you have you don't get ever get sick, because you've been eating shit. Cross-contaminated food. Yeah, you eat like you my whole life. Basically, you know, when you say you don't you don't you don't take the um uh what are those called? Fucking the the shots to the tetanus shot from episodes weeks ago. Yeah, right. Any type of shot to prevent uh flu or whatnot, you're doing it in your food. Yeah, you're actually taking all that fucking biofucking diseased shit in your body right when you're eating your food.
SPEAKER_00That's why you don't get sick. Yeah, I don't have to go to the doctor and have them ingest or have them inject uh small amount of a disease in me for my body to fight it. My body's been fighting everything constantly.
SPEAKER_01Okay, when you turn battle when you turn 60 or or or above, uh it's gonna start to really weigh not you. You're it's gonna be a lot, it's gonna be different. You're only what 40 something? Yeah, wait 20 years. Because your body can't fight that shit off anymore. If you're like a you you like basically in your life, you go backwards.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but once you're over like 55, all you eat is Panera bread, so you'll be fine.
SPEAKER_01You get to a point where you you're starting over, like you're you're a toddler again. Like every you get sick just looking at a fucking I don't know, man. Have you ever worked?
SPEAKER_03I mean, you worked at the queue. Yeah. Do you ever work in a restaurant? I did.
SPEAKER_00What did you do there? Line cook, was it? Uh no, it wasn't a real restaurant. It was it was uh establishment that some people call a hardy place. Oh, hard's some people call Carl's Juniors. I loved Hardis. And I did also I did also work in a pizza place.
Hibachi With Kids And Picky Eating
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So I worked at a lot of kitchen restaurants for the waiter as a waiter, and you'd go back, grab the food from the kitchens are gross, dude. You'd think you're going out to eat in a mass-produced situation and getting like I know, but there's there's people your kitchen clean truck.
SPEAKER_01Fine. I I I haven't been to a lot of kitchens, but you know what? It's a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00You know, it's actually a law that anybody who requests to go in an establishment's kitchen um cannot be denied. So you mean like a customer? Yeah. So if you went to Buffalo see the kitchen. Yeah. Well, can you just walk in there or do you have to ask them? You have to ask. What if they say no? But if you went to Buffalo Wild Wings and said I'd like to I'd like to take a look in the kitchen.
SPEAKER_03Like, can I go look in your walk-in cooler?
SPEAKER_00They can tell you they can tell you no, and all you gotta tell them is I will call the health inspector and let them know that you will not let me view the kitchen and they will get shut down. I could I mean I could be making that all sounds like you're making it up. No, that sounds right.
SPEAKER_01I I believe.
SPEAKER_03Do you know how much often that would be happening with how many Kairens in Bowser?
SPEAKER_01I don't think everybody knows that. No, not everybody knows that.
SPEAKER_00No, I I do believe I do believe it is a law that if you ask to view a commercial.
SPEAKER_03All right, I'm doing it. We'll find out if it's a law. I think I'll fight like it is a law and I'll get my ass arrested because of you. Yeah. I think it's a bigger king. I need to see your kitchen.
SPEAKER_01I think it breaks. My buddy Tony said it's a law. I think it breaks down to the same thing like you don't want to see the cow when it's slaughtered, you just eat the bird. That's my favorite part of it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you don't want to see all the sausage is made. Yeah, exactly. It's a great analogy for all kinds of things.
SPEAKER_01So that I think what's Tony saying, or what did you say that, Chris?
SPEAKER_03What? You don't want to actually go in the back of the kitchen to see it. No, you said that. No, I didn't. I'm gonna go fucking try it after I get done from here. I swear you said that. I'm gonna go to the closest 24-hour diner and be like, what me in the kitchen, bitch? Okay, you should do that and let me know how to.
SPEAKER_00I'm an American, I'll say. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I know my rights.
SPEAKER_00I pay your salary. That's how you should start the conversation.
SPEAKER_03I've eaten here at least a hundred times in my life. I pay your salary, Mr. or Miss. That's what you say to cops. I pay your salary. Yeah, I'm sure they love that.
SPEAKER_01What's your name and bash number?
SPEAKER_03I'm sure they love that.
SPEAKER_01They have to tell you.
SPEAKER_03I don't have to interact with cops much. I'm pretty happy about that. Most of them are complete pricks. I would imagine. Everyone I've ever interacted with, it was been a pretty much only the ones with mustaches.
SPEAKER_01I've watched a lot of videos on that shit, and it's crazy. Like obsessed with that. You can flip a cop off, you can swear at them, and they can't arrest you. Well, no, it's not illegal. That's obviously disrespectful as shit. I would never do that to you. I would never do that. But again, a cop who who would think to do that? And these people are doing that. I'm like, whoa, crazy.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I could see you being one of those guys who likes tries to record in the eight frame at the city hall.
SPEAKER_02This is a public building, sir. Yeah, the I'm Bill's. I can see you got one right by you. You'd be like, I'm just here because I want to observe. The public worker.
SPEAKER_00No, dude, all you gotta do is continually tell them that you know your rights.
SPEAKER_01Yes, exactly. That's what the video is. I know my rights, but they I'm a lawyer.
SPEAKER_00They're pretty smart.
SPEAKER_01They're pretty smart with all everything they say too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's weird. They actually know your rights, and when you keep telling them you know your rights.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you, the every video that I've watched, most of the cops don't like they they they swear to the all the you know amendments and they don't know them all.
SPEAKER_00They don't. I find it hilarious that and anytime you see like on cops or something and they gotta read somebody the Miranda rights, they bring out their little cheat card. They pull out their little cheat card. Always it's like, motherfucker, isn't this like the one thing you gotta memorize?
SPEAKER_03And you don't have to tell them more they're gonna be like, all them codes too. Like a 187 is a murder, right?
SPEAKER_01They cover an F from Snoop. But you need to know one sent one paragraph, one memorize one paragraph. Come on.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I feel like I've watched in my life where I know 75% of it by the time. I think the cops don't need to know it all.
SPEAKER_01Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's do it. Okay, Tony, arrest me. But wait, wait, no, you have to ask me questions. So before you ask me questions, do you need to say this line?
Love Letter To Truck Stops And Diners
SPEAKER_00Okay, do you know do you know why I'm arresting you, sir? No. Okay. It's because you can't have your dick out at a daycare. All right. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. That's where that's where I lose it. If you don't have if you don't have the money for the attorney. That would fall under if you can't afford an attorney. One will be appointed. That's right. Yeah, that was about it.
SPEAKER_03That's it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, there's more. Nope. Wait, you forgot. Do you understand this rights I'm speaking to telling you right now?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, all I need now is a confirmation. Need an initial here. So well, yeah, here's the card.
SPEAKER_03Here's the card, I think. I found it on the internet that they hold, and that's that's about it right there. It's gotta be more than just what he needs to do. No, that's it, man. That's it.
SPEAKER_01Then why would they need a card for that?
SPEAKER_03They're nervous. They just got in a fight with an erratic man who's high on uh PCP. It tays him three times. So is that why I can't get his dick out in front of a fucking daycare, and he had to arrest him, and he barely knew how to say the Miranda rights after running them down and wrestling him in the streets. Wrestle being a cop has to be impossible. Absolutely impossible.
SPEAKER_01I know I wouldn't want to do it. I know a cop. I know a cop, and I was watching cop shows on my my YouTube. And the funny thing is, I was one of the episodes I was watching. It was him. It was him. Yeah, right. Yes, and about three months later, three months later, I had a golf audience with him, and I was like, I didn't, it wasn't, it was just voices. You didn't see his face. I recognized his voice. And I was like, so was that you on blah blah day when someone got killed from crossing the street and you had to talk to the dad and calm him down? It's like, yeah, that was me. It's like, holy shit, man. That was the way you talked to that dad after or the grant it was the grandpa after the gr after the her her grand her uh granddaughter died. You that was amazing. Like he calmed him down.
SPEAKER_00The dude wanted to go in. He probably walked up, he's like, hey, you remember when you used to have a granddaughter?
SPEAKER_03Oh you're terrible. Okay, how do we get on this away from the restaurant?
High School Buffet Lore
SPEAKER_00So anyway, man, I love going in the kitchen. Good, dirty restaurant. I don't know what it is about it. Uh, if I'm if I'm driving on a trip and um I see some semi-condemned gas station uh with a couple of semis parked and a sign 30 feet in the air that only says the word food food or diamond. Like that is my stop. Gross. Uh, when the Asian buffet gets shut down, and uh all I can think about is when's it gonna open back up because I'd like to give it another run. That's just where my head goes every time.
SPEAKER_01So if you got off like on a on a on an exit and there was uh quick trip or something close to that, and then there was these okay, so there was a buffet, there was uh like you said, like a Chinese place that looked run down and nasty, and there was just a random um uh Applebee's Applebee's. What would be your first choice there? The shittiest place you could see? Probably the shittiest place, probably so that would be your and your family, your your wife would be fine with that.
SPEAKER_00So so my my overall pick in food at any time, especially during travel, is a place regardless of what time it is in the day or night, I can get uh two over medium eggs and extra Christmas. We went to this place, right?
SPEAKER_03We were driving from Nashville to Asheville between concerts, and we were in Chattanooga. I've stayed in Chattanooga and we were at this little Chattanooga cafe, this little tiny little Chattanooga cafe, and like you said, it was like Farmer Jim and all his friends, and then there was like the three cops sitting on the corner having their coffee in the morning, and us fucking fools that didn't fit in. And it was all these big breasted southern dolls as you know, working the counter, wraparound counter, breakfast only, the whole thing, right? Give it that, Tony. This one girl, she's like, I'm proposing to my husband or my boyfriend. He's bitch ass, we'll never do it. I'm gonna fucking do it. I got this girl's phone number or contact in some way. We drove off. I told her this is the coolest story ever. I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna call you back. And I called her and she I was like, So what did he say? And she goes, he said yes. And you don't get shit like that at a fucking Applebee's. I don't understand how you we got to talking. No, I know.
SPEAKER_01I'm just saying that the number I don't remember. It was, I think it was her phone number. Right. So this is like when you you're married, right? Yes, of course.
SPEAKER_03What's wrong with that? No, I'm just saying, would your wife get mad? No, she thought it was a great story. Why would she get mad? My wife's the waitress at the fucking restaurant. Doesn't matter. She's trying to marry some other dude. There was no physical sexual interaction relationship, nothing. I just was curious if she actually did it. So I called her.
SPEAKER_01First thing girls think about is you got a girl's number.
SPEAKER_03I had to show to my friends that I was gonna follow through on this, and I found out if whatever her name was, I forget.
SPEAKER_00So did you put her in your phone as Chatta Coochie? She's probably in there.
SPEAKER_01Wait on the other Chatta Coochie. Chatta Coochie. Fucking did you? No, what I was saying is my wife first be like, Why are you getting someone's number? It doesn't even matter if it was a girl, even if it was a guy, she'd be like, Why are you getting someone's number? You don't know. You don't need to get someone's number. What does it matter? Because that's the way she thinks. I know she would do that. Right. I'd have to not tell her.
SPEAKER_03That's ridiculous. That's the story behind it. Try not to be critical. It's got to be my style.
SPEAKER_00You gotta put it in your phone as Fred. No, I you got like 14 Freds in there.
SPEAKER_03How is it how is it so hard to find my contacts?
SPEAKER_01I don't know, but my phone I I that that's something I couldn't do, uh Chris. I can't do that. Couldn't do that. No, I wouldn't do that either.
The Duck Alley Story
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but I I totally love a good greasy spoon, eggs, and bacon. That's absolutely uh the further south you get, the happier I get because uh everybody down south has grits available, and that's one of my all-time favorite breakfast items.
SPEAKER_03Sometimes you get finessed though, in restaurants.
SPEAKER_01Every time I think about some shitty ass fucking place with pancakes, all I think about is that one movie where the guy complained about being there was sugar on the pancake. Euro trip or road trip. Road trip, and he brings the pancakes in the back, licks off the shit, puts it in his ass, brings out coffee for everyone.
SPEAKER_00I think you're discounting the way he puts it in his ass. He throws it in the air like a ninja star and then catches it in the back of his pants. And he walks around and then he walks out and fills up their coffee and walks back and pulls it out. I mean, I'm sure that's happened to me. And I can verify right now, I can I can get my brother on the phone right now, and I can tell you about the time we went to um to IHOP. Yeah, that's now shut down, and I got my two over medium eggs, and uh this is fucking disgusting. Uh I get over medium eggs because I don't know what that means. Do you know what over easy is? Oh yes, but I don't know. So they flip them over quick and then flip them back over and give them to you? What what's over easy then? So over easy is when you got full, full runny yolk, over hard is when you have no runny yolk, and over medium is kind of in between. Okay. And it makes sense. And I like over easy, but what happens is these motherfuckers run their griddle too hot and it it creates a raw egg like pastry shell, so you cut into it and and the uh the raw egg white like leaks out onto your plate. And I don't like that shit. No, I don't like that either. I wouldn't like that either. Uh so I went to IHOP, I ordered my normal over medium eggs, cut into them, and my whole plate fills up with fucking raw egg. Gross. Not good. And uh I decide, I make the decision to do what I'd normally never do, and I sent them back. Never mind. I said, look, man, I think you told this guy. I'm like, I don't I don't want to be a bitch, but I cut open these eggs, I'm like, look at my whole plate is just filled with egg white. I said, is there any way I can get some new eggs? And the guy goes, Yeah, man, no problem. I'm so sorry. He goes back, he brings me out new eggs like three minutes later, and perfectly placed between the two yolks are two stray pubic hairs on my eggs. Straight up. This is a truth.
SPEAKER_03For sure it was pubic hair.
SPEAKER_00They were two black pubes.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Um That's why I never complain about my food when I eat somewhere.
SPEAKER_00Never so I literally grabbed a fucking napkin and wiped them off my eggs so I could eat my fucking eggs. What? You didn't say anything? This is a confirmed story. Ew. So what's what's next? I send them back because there are pubes on them, so now they just drop their whole ball sack on it. I wanna be good. I'd just be done. I'd be done. Fuck you, dude. I'm hungry and I paid for this shit.
SPEAKER_01No, my wife my wife ever complains. I shut up. They're gonna spit, they're gonna do something fucked up to our food. Shut up. No one does that.
SPEAKER_03They the cooks don't care. They fucking do that.
SPEAKER_01Man, you don't I thought you worked in kitchens. Yeah, they don't care. Motherfucker, you would give it away.
SPEAKER_03For anything they're like sweet. I just got free breakfast. Let me put this over here on the counter. I'll make that person a new one. Sometimes they probably do it on purpose. Hope that the guy returns the overcooked steak because that's how they like it. Why?
SPEAKER_02They want to eat it. No.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. No, yeah. No. Oh my gosh. Sometimes that door doesn't even close behind me before I'm eating off people's plates that they're returning.
SPEAKER_01Are you kidding me? That's crazy.
Basement Farms And Goat Horror Show
SPEAKER_03I mean, do people if I put someone's food down and they're like, that's not what I ordered. Wait, and I'm like, fuck, the kitchen gave me the wrong plate. I'll be right back. You pick that plate up. You can't serve that plate to anybody. You put that plate on top of the garbage can next to the dishwasher and you say, Don't wash that dish. I'll be back. And you get that guy's real food, and then you go back and you chow the fuck down on that beef brisket that you accidentally gave to the guy.
SPEAKER_01Chris is making some someone's food and he's like, I'm gonna make it wrong on purpose so I can eat it. Yes. I guess that's better than putting your dick.
SPEAKER_03You order it in wrong with onions or cheese, just like you like it on potatoes and then it comes out and they're like, Oh, you didn't you said no cheese? My bad. Let me go get you a replacement. I won't. Sometimes your shift meal's not enough. I won't ever complain. One time I went to this fucking local place, right? And it was in New York. I'm like, oh, cool. It was my sister's place that was closest to her house called Charlene's. And they always go up there for a cocktail every once in a while, and I got to go there and I thought that was cool. And they were selling t-shirts, right? So I buy these t-shirts, and this girl next to me, she's like, hey, I'll tie-dye those shirts and send them to you. So I was like, Well, that's pretty cool, right? And this was the end of the night. I was trusting. Weirdly, you're wearing a shortcut. I gave her the fucking shirts, and I bought her one. She never, ever called me back ever again. She never returned my calls. I don't even know if the number she gave me was a real one.
SPEAKER_01You already paid for the shirt?
SPEAKER_03Sometimes, yes. Sometimes you get finessed. I mean, that's just I think I paid more even to have her tie-dyed.
SPEAKER_01That was dumb on your part, though.
SPEAKER_03She probably just went to the bar and was like, here's your shirt back.
SPEAKER_00Can I refund them and then get the money off?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it was, yeah, it was three. It was one.
SPEAKER_00Cash only, please.
SPEAKER_03But yeah, man, you gotta go to the local places. I think that's where we're gonna rind this one back, huh? I mean you gotta do it. You gotta go local.
SPEAKER_00The dirtier, the better.
SPEAKER_01The dirtier the better. It's too dirty. If it's too dirty, I'm out.
SPEAKER_00Dude, a little gat blood or pubes on my eggs never made a fucking bit of difference in my life. Matter of fact, it probably saved me from getting a flu one year. Okay.
SPEAKER_03That's what I was trying to tell you about that. Or you started it, maybe. Maybe you started it eating gold bloods I'm just a super carrier.
SPEAKER_00I can't even get affected by it.
SPEAKER_03Goat blood contaminated MSG plants in the fact that.
SPEAKER_00I just can't believe you ate eggs that had pubes on them. Bro, I'm gonna look you in the eye right now and tell you I would do it again. And you have before too. I stand by it.
SPEAKER_01If you ever sleep over and I make you eggs and I put my pubes on them, they're not curly, they're straight. Tony's too tall to sleep in your closet, though. Yeah. You'd be okay. That's so weird. Your pubes got like a comb over. Yeah, they're like I straighten them with my wife's hair straightener. No, I don't know. They're just not I cut them before they get curly.
SPEAKER_00That's weird.
SPEAKER_01But I'd still eat them. Yeah? Yeah. Would you would okay. Would you eat the pubes too?
SPEAKER_00I mean, if they were hidden good enough, if you're just gonna if they're just gonna be lazy and set them on the top of something, I'm gonna brush them off like parsley, you know what I'm saying? That song scared me because it ended right when I had something.
SPEAKER_01All right, Tony.
SPEAKER_03Tune in next week when we talk about eating pubes on eggs. Tell us your story of the time you got pubes on your eggs. The weirdest black pepper, I swear.
