Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
When Your Eyelid Needs A Nutsack Patch, You Reconsider PPE
Three friends trade jokes about hot chicken and sponsors before one story takes center stage: a blade tip snaps while cutting rubber flooring and lands in an eyeball. We relive the slow-motion moment, the bad instincts avoided, the strapped-down exam, and the simple rule that could prevent it all.
• why rubber skate flooring grabs blades and stores energy
• how a blade shard ended up in the center of an eye
• the slow-motion effect during close calls and what the brain is doing
• avoiding the blink that would have shredded an eyelid
• deciding between toughing it out and going to the clinic
• what the UV dye exam checks and why contamination matters
• myths around rust, tetanus, and eye infections
• building real PPE habits that stick under stress
• practical eyewear tips for cutting, grinding, and yard work
• the takeaway that vision is non-negotiable
Tap shelf stories with Jay, Chris, and Tony.
SPEAKER_03:Nothing. Welcome everybody to this week's special edition of Top Shelf Stories. Why is this special? Well, because we finally got a sponsor this week. Okay. Today's episode brought to you by Dave's Hot Chicken. I thought you could do it. What is their slogan? We will give you spicy shits. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So I'll come 15 minutes later than you're supposed to when you order online.
SPEAKER_02:It's funny that you say that because I I was thinking about getting that, and then all of a sudden you guys get it. That's the weird thing about that.
SPEAKER_03:We don't even invite you anymore. I'm saying get it for myself, not with you. What are you talking about? To the podcast? Yeah, I know how you got this crippling fear of eating in front of other human beings. Only you two, because you guys I know at home you just take your dinner straight to the bathroom. Closet. So nobody can see you. Go to my truck in the basement. So today I want to talk about the time I got stabbed. What? By my worst enemy. What? Stabbed? I got stabbed. I thought you were about to say by my wife. No, I got I got stabbed by my uh uh worst enemy. Ironically, in my eyeball.
unknown:What?
SPEAKER_00:Yep. How big was it a syringe? Well, here a tooth. Let me tell you about it. Was it one of those little tiny blades you get in those fancy drinks when you're on vacation? Like, how did you get stabbed in the eye?
SPEAKER_02:The little plastic thing that holds the fruit in your drink.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Fruit fruit sword way beats fruit umbrella any day.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Those are dangerous, though. I've gotten stabbed by those because I swat them out of my kids' hand when they try to grab them.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, because they'll they, I mean, they'll put them in their mouth and in in and choke on them. Yeah. They're extremely scissors and run. Toothpick in their mouth, scissors in the other hand. I don't know what these guys are.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, can you cut me this apple? Here's a knife. So, how long ago was this now? Like last week? This was this was a process. That's where he's wearing glasses right now.
SPEAKER_01:Safety glasses.
SPEAKER_00:Never knowing you might get stabbed by a drink umbrella.
SPEAKER_03:So this was about 15 years ago. And uh I was working on a job site. Uh, we were installing a rubber uh gym floor. It it was it it was technically a rubber-based floor specifically designed for ice skates. So it was extremely, extremely heavy duty and difficult to work with. And when you cut a rubber floor, uh, it does this weird thing with your knife where where it it like grips it. Like imagine you're having sex and a vagina's too tight, and you put your wiener in and you cannot get it out. Does that happen to you? But then when it comes out, it just flies right out, right?
SPEAKER_02:Well, so you're speaking from first hand experience, like a suction almost.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah, it has this like weird uh grippy suction to it when you when you run a knife through it.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. And uh I just find it weird and strange that you can ice skate on top of something that's rubber.
SPEAKER_00:I can't even. No, it's probably so you don't damage the skates or the floor and can walk around.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, this is all outside. All outside of the ice. I thought it was actually skate on. No, they're not zambonying this rubber floor.
SPEAKER_02:That's what I thought.
SPEAKER_03:But uh that's what I pictured in my head. I'm glad I asked. So I I was cutting this piece of this rubber with this knife that has like a little hook on the end. Sure. And uh it got stuck in there. And when it finally popped out, the pressure of like me twisting the knife snapped the tip of this blade off. And somehow, some way to this day, I'm not even sure how the fuck it happened, but that tip of that knife blade flew up and stuck dead smack middle of my eyeball.
SPEAKER_00:So is yourself.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, it was myself. So you're you're you're your worst enemy? Yeah. For sure. That's not everybody else loves me. I fucking hate me.
SPEAKER_00:So I'll uh so you probably wore gloves because the writing on it that says wear safety goggles was rubbing against your hand all day and it gave you a blister. So you were wearing gloves in order to grip this thing, and you got yourself in the eye.
SPEAKER_03:Got myself right in the eye. I'm confused how you think that's being stabbed. Well, the knife fucking the blade sta it entered my body.
SPEAKER_00:I wear it was a knife in eye. I I mean, in I wear safety glasses during almost any activity that could even pot like weed whacking, I'm wearing safety. Not just necessary safety glasses, but at least some frickin' glasses.
SPEAKER_03:The full face shield that activities like even sex?
SPEAKER_00:Maybe. If it's if we're doing any type of I definitely wear rubber toys or anything. Things can get wild.
SPEAKER_03:You know, when the when the old lady breaks out the sawzall.
SPEAKER_00:So when I was doing concrete work, I had this boss. I have this boss who would make us who would not make us really, but he would highly encourage us to always wear sunglasses at least, safety sunglasses preferred, and safety glasses, because even hammering nail and wood together, he said he would say, Listen, listen, here's where am I right? You can you can walk with a wooden leg, but you can't see with a wooden eye where your safety goggles. Am I right? Am I right? And that was his am I right?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, well, you're right. You can't run with a wooden leg either.
SPEAKER_00:Ingrained in me. And now I can't even like open a razor blade without thinking to myself, what thing am I gonna do? Am I gonna close or protect my eye with?
SPEAKER_02:So you have whenever you see a razor blade, you like run away and ah give me my glasses.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, like they have those nuclear sirens where everyone used to get under the desk. I get under the desk. No, I'm just saying, man, that's an example of you're lucky to be able to see for real. Because I don't think that's a wood knock.
SPEAKER_03:It kind of it couldn't have gone that deep. Uh it went deep enough where okay, so have you guys ever been in like a life or death situation where everything around you like slows down? It's like everything stops. Like they portray it in movies all the time. Yeah. Um, there's been like three times in my life where that has happened, and and it gives you like what feels like an extra five minutes to like think about what's gonna happen next before it happens, but realistically, it was like a fraction of a second.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Um but I don't I don't know if it's like everything slows down or your brain just speeds up to figure out how to get you out of whatever this situation is. It definitely has to do with your brain.
SPEAKER_00:I believe it's your brain getting faster. I don't think the world slows down every time someone's about to do that. You don't think so?
SPEAKER_03:No. You don't think the world's running at like 0.25 of its normal speed because everybody's having this reaction to something.
SPEAKER_00:It's my understanding that there's a large probability that your brain releases some DMT when you die. Uh huh. And a DMT trip, from what I understand, from what you've read on the internet, is I've not done any DMT in my day that I know of. And it's apparently like one hour in the world, but like a decade in your brain. So if you're about to die or you're having this fight or fight, fear fight moment, maybe it's the beginning of that. And then your brain realizes, oh, wait, wait, okay, we're good. He just got some fucking knife in his eye. Yeah. We're not gonna die, and then your your body like sucks back that dosage.
SPEAKER_03:So so it was this really weird situation where I almost felt as if I was standing outside myself looking at myself.
SPEAKER_00:That sounds near life. Because so you thought you were gonna die in the eye.
SPEAKER_03:I don't know. I don't know what my body thought was gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02:But you went through all the things that could happen, like you get infection in your eyeball, and that might kill you slowly.
SPEAKER_00:Or had it gone all the way through and into your brain because you were putting we're like closing and covering your eye back.
SPEAKER_03:They are the epitome of the word razor sharp. Oh, yeah. But um, so probably hot from the fucking friction, yeah, of the rubber. It actually didn't cut into my eye, it melted into it. Maybe that's what saved you. And you got rubber in your eye now, too, because of the well, yeah, probably some kind of residue from the blade.
SPEAKER_02:So that's chemicals in your eye.
SPEAKER_00:But technically, people could rock around on their ice skates in your eye for a minute.
SPEAKER_02:I like the crit I like your idea there, Chris.
SPEAKER_03:But but the thing about it is is you know, when it happens, you don't really know what happened, and it was it I felt like I was in like an MM video. Like he has this video where he's like doing something and then it stops, and then the uh I think it's bad meets evil. The camera rotates, the camera rotates, and it's him standing outside of himself with Dr. Dre doing like the angel devil thing to him. And it it's like I felt like I was outside of myself, and I looked at myself and I'm like, holy fuck, this blade's in your eye. What do you do? And I remember vividly like hurrying up and holding my eyelid open and running to a mirror. And that's when I got to the mirror, like by that time my fucking eye is so dry, like all I want to do is blink. It there's but the way that the blade was stuck in my eye, it was up and down, and if I would have blinked, it would have bifurcated my entire eyelid. I like your words, and then I canate fucking sewing. It would have been extremely difficult. This is I like what you did. I mean, it's like dick skin. It's like like an eighth as thick as root.
SPEAKER_00:You probably would have had to get a patch from your dick to sew it together with. I would have had I would have You would have been a dick face.
SPEAKER_03:I would have had nut sack eyelids. You know, you'd have a sack eye. I would have just been growing like three straggler hairs.
SPEAKER_00:Look at me in my sack eye and tell me that.
SPEAKER_02:Every time you blink, you'd see all those fucking wrinkles in the fucking your eyelid.
SPEAKER_00:He's got a couple fucking scroll hairs growing out of it all the time.
SPEAKER_03:Little kids in elevators, like, mom, what's wrong with that guy's eyelid?
SPEAKER_02:No one fucking knows. And I'll do the smart thing, because you know, when I I splashed fucking cement in my eye, what did I do? I fucking rubbed it right away. And that's not smart that's sand.
SPEAKER_03:I scratched the shit out of my cornea. Dude, I don't know. I felt like I watched myself run to the mirror. It was the wildest shit in my life.
SPEAKER_02:You it wasn't even near death experience, and still you saw yourself in the third person. Wait, I there's no other what is that?
SPEAKER_03:There's no other way to explain it. Like, I I know what I saw, and I saw myself from outside of my body. It it is fucking crazy as it is, but if I wouldn't have, I I wouldn't have held my eyelid open. I wouldn't have known like when you get something in your eye, like you can't see what it is.
SPEAKER_00:I immediately would have thought to close it and hold my hand over it. Yeah, me too.
SPEAKER_02:But and if close death experiences, I've been riverbo riverboat boat rafting, and I was stuck under a rapid, and it kept pushing me down. I kept pushing me down, pushing me down, pushing me down. And like the same thing, everything got really slow, and like I just saw lights, and I always say to my my buddy that that actually saved my life. He I felt like he was Jesus reaching into the fucking Red Sea with his arm and picked me out of the water because like he's like seven foot tall. So like he was his he's really just like 5'11. But the water was two feet deep. Yeah. He's a giant. He was, and he grabbed me, picked me out, and like survived me.
SPEAKER_00:Mouth to mouth.
SPEAKER_02:No, I was that wasn't that to mouth after for payments. I just remember not. I just remember not being able to get out of that rapid.
SPEAKER_00:That had to be terrifying.
SPEAKER_03:And getting pushed back in it, like almost getting out, pushed back, getting out, pushed back. That same shit happened to my wife, dude. That shit was terrifying. I wasn't wearing white a life preserver. Either was my wife, and we were there were like eight rafts chained together, and she kept getting stuck under all the rafts. That's scary, dude. It sucks you in. And uh, I had to flip somebody else off of their raft to save her life. I figured, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_01:You killed someone else's sick.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, dude. I'm like, I ain't raising these kids. He doesn't have shit to live.
SPEAKER_02:The first thing Tony thinks about whenever his wife's about to die.
SPEAKER_01:I'm raising these kids alone. How much work it's gonna be to raise these kids alone.
SPEAKER_03:So much to do. I'm like, I'd rather have every other weekend than fucking seven days a week.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, you're fucked. You know that doesn't her friends listen to this podcast? I don't know, but they're gonna find out about that. The only reason why you want her to survive is so you don't have to babysit your kids.
SPEAKER_03:I wouldn't be here right now. Well, I know if I would have let her ass die, I'd be at home fucking trying to figure out what to do with two fucking children. Now that's her problem. But uh, but so I pulled I pulled this knife blade out of my eye with my fingers. And much like I assume everybody is, like, can anybody touch your guys' eyes? I can touch my eyes.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I thought you'd I thought you're gonna say, Did you smelt it? I would have smelled it.
SPEAKER_03:Dude, there there's in no in no situation can I touch my eye for anything. What do you mean?
SPEAKER_00:What do you mean just I was just manipulating hot sauce chicken fingers, and I'm about ready to prove to you I could stab myself in the finger.
SPEAKER_03:You mean touch your eye with your finger? Yeah, I can't touch my eye with my finger. I can't put eye drops in. Like I cannot do anything. I used to have contacts. Turn off the recording.
SPEAKER_00:I can't be friends with you guys. I I can't, I gotta I almost turned it off.
SPEAKER_02:I I I used to have contacts, so no, I can touch my eyes all I want. Oh my god, dude. That's like my worst. You healed, you got your eyes fixed. I got I got LASIK. Oh. Yes, sir. I got LASIK. I couldn't handle the fucking taking that shit in and out and uh not falling asleep with them.
SPEAKER_00:But did you have superhero strength and were able to touch your eye at this point? I did. Was it the shit? Was it the you you saw or you the you you that did it?
SPEAKER_03:It was the me, me guided by the me outside.
SPEAKER_02:Basically, you knew what to do because the guy that you saw doing it did it right.
SPEAKER_00:Maybe that guy's your better half. Maybe we should be hanging out with him. Dude, I wish I could. He's not afraid of touching his eye.
SPEAKER_03:I try to intentionally get into those kinds of situations, just so I could have a conversation with him. Does he have a different name? I don't know. Did you ever ask him?
SPEAKER_00:I haven't got to see him again. It's interesting.
SPEAKER_01:We'll just make that happen. Do you think I'll stand out in front of traffic hoping he shows up?
SPEAKER_00:What about this? What if whoa, just had a thing. You know, you slow down time and everything. What if you slowed down time in your head and all that to think about how you saw yourself outside? What if Parallel Universe, you had not slowed down time and was like, oh fuck, I gotta save that guy. That's me, and taught you how to grab your own eye.
SPEAKER_03:Or it could have been my father. I don't know. I've finally came back with the smokes, kid. Oh shit, you got something in your eye.
SPEAKER_02:We always talk about uh told you I'd be feared for you. Going going in the store for milk. That's the cue of not coming back. Your dad went to the store to get milk. No, but you said you had the razor in your eye.
SPEAKER_03:You saw it in your eye, or can't it wasn't in your eye? I I seen it in my eye from outside my body. It was sticking into my eye. No, but seriously though, was it in your eye? Yes. So how did you get it out? With my fingers. I holding my eye open with one hand. How big was it, the shard?
SPEAKER_02:Um like was it hard to grab? Like you had to really get something small because your fingers are pretty fat and stubby.
SPEAKER_03:It was like an eighth inch that went straight to a point. Uh, you know, as thin as a sheet of paper. You got it with your finger. Probably a quarter inch long. You got it with your finger. So yeah, I did. It was fucking crazy.
SPEAKER_02:And how long did it take for you to see out of that eye? You went to the doctor, right? No, so no, you just put a bandit on it, or super. I got super glue.
SPEAKER_00:Ah, I gotta walk this off, guys. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. You're gonna walk this off.
SPEAKER_03:I I pulled it out, and uh one of my co-workers came and followed me, and he was like my hype man. He's like, Oh shit, you just stabbed yourself in the eye. He's running behind me. He's like, He's like, get that shit, bro.
SPEAKER_00:Get it. If that was today, dude would have been recording you. Hold on, bro. Don't pull it out yet. I gotta get my phone and let me go live. I'm gonna go live. Let me don't pull it out. Don't pull. I'm gonna go live.
SPEAKER_02:So I got a friendly.
SPEAKER_00:Let me do it in your friend Tony. He's 10 stopping out. Let's stop. Don't pull it out. Hold on, let me get this hotter view. He's gonna pull out. Let's get 10 likes. Don't pull it out of his heart. Tony hearts. Let me see those heights. Let me see those heights. We're gonna send out. Pick a comment. Write a comment in the comment section. We're gonna send out the piece of the fucking metal. If you can guess the length of that fucking chart in his eye, you will win. Man, if they had these things when I was 16, I would have been the biggest streamer there ever was. That's exactly what they're doing.
SPEAKER_01:I need 25 comments.
SPEAKER_00:I need to record videos. My uncle was doing it for a while. They made their own little sports center where they I did that too with my brother.
SPEAKER_03:Me and Witcher brother's.
SPEAKER_02:Probably.
SPEAKER_03:He just signs out every episode with hey, what time is Dude?
SPEAKER_01:You should have seen some of these videos. Take a look at my watch. Oh, talking about the skin watch.
SPEAKER_00:I get it now. I get it now. Okay, so let's go back.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, he goes, he wants the bubblegum. He takes his fucking nutsack and curls it up into his fist. I'm like, You mean my potato eyelid?
SPEAKER_00:You can get it off a nutsack if you tie it tight enough around, it won't even bleed.
SPEAKER_03:Getting a nutsack for an eyelid would be terrible, but getting somebody else's nutsack for your eyelid would be the worst fucking thing that could happen to you. You'd always have pink eyes. You would just always smile very nuts.
SPEAKER_00:You'd wake up slapping your own face because you got dick on your eye. You'd be scratching your eye.
SPEAKER_03:You'd be scratching your eye all the time. You think if I ended up with some of Dan's nutsack for an eyelid, if I blink too fast in an alternate reality, he would come.
SPEAKER_02:He would keep blinking. He can't just blink once and he's done. I think Dan can last a little longer than that. But uh let's call him and find out. Um you think he would give you part of his testicle that's gonna repair your eyeball?
SPEAKER_00:I'd give I'd give up a little bit of my nut skin and fix your eye, Tony.
SPEAKER_02:They wouldn't hang, they wouldn't hang as long.
SPEAKER_00:Like Jay's saying, if you just pinch it off, you could probably snip some out without even having to go to the doctor.
SPEAKER_03:Just staple, we'll just take some and just staple a wrinkle and cut up covered.
SPEAKER_00:You can use like, what's that? Uh a liquid band-aid or maybe just some plumber cement or whatever, and we'll just slap it on your eye.
SPEAKER_03:If you had to get a nut sack for an eyelid, I would I would request that they put it on upside down. So so the part that touches the nuts is on the outside. See all the tiny little things.
SPEAKER_00:You think the part that touches the nuts is cleaner, worse off than the than the part of the nut that gets touched by everything else?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, there's just something about having you know what's fucking you know what's fucking gross is I just finished watching the Ed Gean series on Netflix about him.
SPEAKER_00:He had nutsack teacups, didn't he?
SPEAKER_02:No, he only did girl stuff. He only messed with girl boxes. Oh, that makes it better. But it just him making stuff out of skin, and now I'm thinking about you with your eyeball made out of nutsack.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, so this is a relevant topic to your life. Number one on Netflix right now. You're at home making blueprints about making fucking tit skin lamps.
SPEAKER_02:My wife's like, why is your nuts so high up now? I've started cutting skin off and making shit out of it.
SPEAKER_03:Uh but no, so so this is like the crazier thing about it. So I pull this shard of razor blade out of my eye, and and then I start giving myself some well-deserved blinks and getting that eye all back lubed up like it was supposed to be. Because now, I mean I don't know I don't know if it was 10 minutes or 10 seconds. Like it feel it felt like an eternity, but I'm sure it was something like 20 or 30 seconds.
SPEAKER_02:But it's gotta feel it's gotta feel like it's still in your eye, even if you're taking it out.
SPEAKER_03:But but you know, just I mean, take your fingers and hold your eyelid open for 30 seconds, like your eyes fucking dry.
SPEAKER_02:I have 99% blocked uh eye drop uh uh ear what the fuck? Tear ducks. What the fuck I can't even talk right now. Dear ducks. You'll get there. You'll get there. It'll get there. And uh I have to I have to put eye drops in my eyes five times a day. So yes, I know what it feels like to not I have to literally blink 16 times per per second. No, that doesn't make sense.
SPEAKER_03:But anyway, um as soon as I got the shard out and I gave myself some good blinks, got that eye back lubed up to factory new. Um it was like nothing happened. There there was no like impaired vision. There was no It couldn't have been traveling that fast. There was nothing weird. But you didn't go to the doctor? So, no, I went back to work. You lie.
SPEAKER_00:You went home. I I got honest, I did. You went home, took a bath. You're like, hey boss, I'm gonna go have half a smoke though. Let me walk this one off.
SPEAKER_03:No, so so I was actually working, I was actually working, ironically, at the high school my that's in my district that I live now. So it's like my kids' high school is where this happened. So that was like a weird premonition. Yeah. I mean, I you know, it was the first time I ever heard of that high school and I worked there 15 years ago. It was actually it was more than f it was it was over 20 years, it was 20 years ago.
SPEAKER_00:Are we just gonna overlook the fact that there's a high school that has a rubber ice screen, ice skating rink in it?
SPEAKER_03:Oh yeah, one one of the families is is extremely wealthy. Listen to this shit. Oh, I'm aware. We're all we're all listening so they're they're extremely wealthy, and their kids were super big into hockey, and they didn't like the fact that they had to drive to a different city to take their kid for hockey practice. Makes sense. And it was it was their oldest kid who was like a freshman in high school. So they wanted it next door. So they were like, driving twenty-eight minutes for hockey practice three times a week is fucking bullshit. It is bullshit. And they paid in full to build the Mullet Ice Center at Arrowhead High School in Heartland, Wisconsin. They paid in full. I would do the same thing. And to this day, because this was 20 years ago, to this day, that family, their kids are long out. They're their kids' kids are starting to get to the age where they're gonna be going to that high school soon. And they're too they're too far away from there, so they gotta build another one. That family still pays toward the kids that want to be on hockey, toward their equipment because of how fucking expensive their equipment is.
SPEAKER_00:That's great.
SPEAKER_03:Um yeah. So anyway.
SPEAKER_00:So it's really like the hockey rink built by a rich person for kids who can't see good. Yeah. Built built by kids who can't see good. What is this? A school for ants? Yeah, is that what you're referencing?
SPEAKER_01:I was trying to. But uh what's the point if they can't fit into the building? It has to be at least three times the size.
SPEAKER_03:But uh, I went back to work um for the rest of the day, like nothing ever happened, and I went home because this was a time before like cell phones where you're just fucking talking on your phone for no reason. You know, I had a phone, but it was 50 cents a minute, so I didn't feel like anything major enough that warrant a three-dollar phone call. So I got home. This is when you weren't rich, right? Yeah, this was pre-wealth. Okay. Wealth.
SPEAKER_00:Uh now you have your own ice skater inka. Pre employees to cut their eyes.
SPEAKER_02:Pre-weekly, pre-weekly haircuts and pet monthly pedicures. Uh so I manicures, was it? Petties. Yeah, pedicure.
SPEAKER_00:You're such I end up here, man. What did you say? So I go and I end up here.
SPEAKER_03:I go home and I tell my wife uh all about the getting stabbed in the eye, the seeing myself from the outside, blah blah blah. She goes to work the next day and she's drugs, were you too? She starts talking to her friends, like, yeah, this is crazy. My husband stabbed himself in the eye with a fucking broken razor blade yesterday, and one of her co-workers was telling her, Oh my god, my husband got a very, very small metal shard in his eye, and it infected his eye to the point that he lost all his vision and one of his eyes from this microscopic metal shard. So now all of a sudden, my wife has three dollar phone call money, and she calls me and she tells me I need to stop what the fuck I'm doing and go to the hospital and have them look at my eye. You're like, wait, babe. I'm like, I'm telling you right now, I'm like, I see just as good as any time in my life. Like telling us this story.
SPEAKER_00:There's nothing wrong with this. He's telling us this story while wearing a new pair of glasses that we've only seen him in over the last five years.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, why are you wearing glasses telling the story? Because I'm 45 years old. Are you afraid something's gonna hit your eye now?
SPEAKER_00:He's wearing safety gear to tell this tale.
SPEAKER_01:Safety? Yes, safety sense. Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Back then it was safety second. Now it's safety first.
SPEAKER_02:You have a dead deer carcass head above you if it fell and it's it could, those horns could stab you right in the eye.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Back 20 years ago, safety in my life was reactive, not proactive. Now I wear safety glasses so I don't splash piss in my eye. Like it doesn't matter what I'm doing. You have glasses for peeing? Yeah. Only in Portageons or No, I they're in the bathroom. Just close your eyes or look up. They're yellow tinted, so I don't even see it coming.
SPEAKER_02:Your wife is gonna complain about you pissing on the seat anyway. What do you guys mean? It splashes mine so long it doesn't make a splash.
SPEAKER_01:It's like he did to sometimes.
SPEAKER_03:It's like filling up a bucket with a garden hose.
SPEAKER_02:Where you don't want it to splash, you just put it all the way in the bucket.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Chris is like, my dick's in the bucket.
SPEAKER_03:But uh my wife told me to go to the doctor, and I told her, absolutely not. Not gonna fucking happen. This is the only day in in the history of working that I carpooled with somebody. I drove somebody to the job site because at that time uh where I live now felt like a fucking million miles away. Oh, it's still that far away. Is it? Yeah, it's 21 minutes from here.
SPEAKER_02:Yo, yeah, and quick, I got something in my eye, went to the doctor, I have insurance, I have shit insurance. The bill came back, my insurance didn't cover it.$1,200 for them to look in my eye and give me jizz to put in my eye to clean it out. Makes sense.
SPEAKER_00:So yeah, you could have gone to Tony Total Donations for the Jiz.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I know. So it's a sickest shit I had to put in my eye for.
SPEAKER_00:This episode is also brought to you by Tony Total Donations for pickup, delivery, drop off, whatever you need. We're there for you.
SPEAKER_03:I go, I go to the doctor. It's a good slogan. Uh we go to uh I go to the doctor and uh I tell them the situation, and they go, Okay, first question is how come you're here today and not yesterday? My wife. And that's what I told 'em. And uh and we can't do anything for you. So so they had to take a look at it, and uh uh they had to lay me down on this table. They did turn the lights off and yeah, they had to put like some kind of drop in my eye, and then look at my eye with a UV light to see how bad the cut was.
SPEAKER_02:And then have you roll over and then take your pants off.
SPEAKER_03:That doesn't happen to you? No, it's not like the doctor you go to. Oh shit. That's why I paid$1,200. Yeah. Yeah. Um so they they quickly realize that touching my eyes is not something that can happen real easy. Well, they have things to hold your lids open. Uh well, they actually they actually have to get it. Two nurses and one holding one lid up, they they actually strapped me to the table.
SPEAKER_01:They put you on a kid bed where they had kids, they had to kick kids down.
SPEAKER_03:It had restraints on it, and I had to be strapped to it. You're like, we need a double kid bed because they could triple kid bed for this guy they could not touch my fucking eye.
SPEAKER_02:And um because you're fighting them, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And dude, I remember this. The doctor made a nurse crouch down so her head was at the same level as my head, and take her hands and put her fingers together and hold my forehead down to the table while like my arms and body were strapped to the table. Yeah, you could take a pinky and hold someone's head down. It's pretty easy. It's not that easy. No, when I'm involuntarily thrashing my head up.
SPEAKER_02:I'm saying, like, it's not hard to keep someone down when you hold them just by the forehead. You ever try that little trick that people used to do? No. Okay, well, we'll do it later. But um I'm gonna go home before that part.
SPEAKER_03:They actually gave I'm gonna put my penis on his forehead and say, get up. So they gave me 30 days of eye drops that needed to be put in my eyes every three day ones. Every like four hours, and it was a sequence. It was a sequence, they were numbered one through five. There were five different droppers, and I had to put them in, and I had to wait like two minutes between each numbered drop.
SPEAKER_02:Well, they really upped their game in the years on eye drops for real because 30 fucking days. You said 15.
SPEAKER_03:I got honest, think that they did this to fucking ruin my life.
SPEAKER_02:Or just to charge you a shot. How much did I do?
SPEAKER_03:Just because oh I dude, I had fucking phenomenal insurance back then. Well, you worked for the union. It was free. Well, the the union doesn't have good insurance anymore. Twenty years ago, they had the best insurance. It cost me like eight dollars. Oh, eight dollars. Oh my god. But now it would have been the fucking eighty, five hundred dollar deductible per person. Wow. But um I think because I was such a problem for them trying to look at my eye, I think they probably could have just like put three drops in my eye and been like, you're good. I think they did this literally to fucking destroy my life for a month. Can I like really? Are you that bad with trying to touch your eye? It's it's pretty fucking terrible.
SPEAKER_00:Man, I got like three feet to him, and he already slapped my hand on.
SPEAKER_02:Why is that? No, I don't understand. Maybe did you get like something in your eye when you're really young?
SPEAKER_03:Maybe. Like, was it? Maybe there's some kind of trauma that I don't know about that happened in my life.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, there's a lot of people that are like that. Most of them would.
SPEAKER_02:Well, you said you were raped as a child, so well, it was an attempted rape. Okay, so maybe something happened in that there, and they wanted from the in the eye? Well, you know, you never know. I don't know if you know what rape is. They missed, they must have missed. The aim was off.
SPEAKER_00:Damn, Tony got stabbed in the eyeball. That's scary. You ripped it out yourself.
SPEAKER_03:Well, did you really rip it out? I pulled it out. How hard is it was it to come out? I I don't remember. I imagined pretty easily. Was it like your description? It had to be going very slow.
SPEAKER_02:Was it your description of a big penis and a small vagina thing? Or was it popping?
SPEAKER_03:That was the knife in rubber. Okay. And my eye, it came out like a penis going into a very loose vagina.
SPEAKER_01:Loosy goosey.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I things in your eye get me. I couldn't imagine having metal in there. I get like a concrete like Jay's had there a couple weeks ago. I've had that, and like lime is really bad, dries you out, and gets all you know, cement powder. It's no good.
SPEAKER_02:Well, my my my cousin works with uh metal, he's uh tool and dye guy, and he gets shit in his well, he wears eye protection a lot, but he gets slivers all the time.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, metal ones are the worst too, because like they can get, like you said, rusty and nasty and infected real quick. It's not like wood. Your body eats that wood.
SPEAKER_03:Did you get did you get tetanus shot? Did they give you tetanus shot as well? Uh I I've always been current on tetanus shots. Just every 10 years or something. Still current on tetanus shots? I actually I am. What is it? What is that? And I will never get I don't know. I watched I watched a video about the truth about tetanus. It's fake. And I will probably never get another one in my life. Oh, really? What's the truth?
SPEAKER_02:Tell me the truth, real quick.
SPEAKER_03:Um, because I think how many people in the world have had tetanus. Tetanus or tetanus shot? Tetanus.
SPEAKER_02:Have you ever had tetanus? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And what is it then? So what is it? It's like three. So what's the reason for it? It doesn't come from rust. It doesn't come from rust. It doesn't come from rusty metal like they like they make it sound. It comes from uh um a certain bacteria from rusted metal that could possibly stick to rusted metal. What else would it stick to? Well, that's that's what would enter your skin with this, but there's been like three people, and I think it's actually farm related.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, so besides it only happened to three people, what's the the harm in getting a tetanus shot? Because it gives you like small amounts of tetanus, I think. Yes, every every uh shot that you get that's preemptive and gives you what it is to build the antibodies to fight it, yes.
SPEAKER_03:And what else is there like other things in there? I think like possibly. And I don't know, I look at a lot of shit about vaccines and it just all jumbles together. There's a lot of heavy metals. I think there's a lot of aluminum in it, yeah. Heavy metals. There's well, it's not heavy, but if I'm gonna take an aluminum anywhere, I'd rather it be through deodorant. Yeah, you don't want to smell, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I agree because the you know what the the deodorants that don't have it, they don't help. I mean, it's like you didn't put deodorant on at all. You know, not that not that I want to. You gotta get the metal deodorant.
SPEAKER_03:Not that I want to get in a big thing about vaccines and where I stand on them, but uh I I really started looking into shit when they tried giving my kid like a herpes vaccine. What? Uh I'm like, well, you nowadays you get herpes from sitting on a toilet. Uh the Kavanaugh's don't sit, they hover.
SPEAKER_02:Ah, and they don't need to wipe either. That's uh that's what I was heard in the previous episode. It was always shit so clean they don't they don't even need toilet papers. That is a clean poop. Well, you know, I I mean that's scary. I would never want something in my eye other than my eye. Then a ball. Then then yeah. Then I mean it sucks.
SPEAKER_03:So I'm gonna close out this week's episode by saying if I could give you one piece of advice and one piece of advice only, it's uh protect your eyes, because once they're gone, there ain't shit you can do about it. What do you say about the pony stars that get jizzed in the eye? That's a job job hazard. Jizz is actually better than any lotion you could possibly ever put in the eye. You don't put lotion in your eye.
SPEAKER_00:On next week's episode of Tap Sound Stories Tot Cat, Jay experiments with getting jizz in his eye. Tony, and I won't be here. I think that's for coming in.
SPEAKER_02:That's worse than getting it in your eye. Good night. Don't have any bad dreams.
