Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Naked in the Spa: Tony's Unforgettable Anniversary Retreat
Tony recounts his recent three-day spa retreat celebrating his 24th wedding anniversary with his wife. The experience was filled with unexpected moments, awkward encounters, and surprising revelations about luxury pampering.
• Confusion about spa dress code leads Tony to wear only a robe with nothing underneath
• First-time facial experience with a specialist named after Tony's teenage crush (Topanga from Boy Meets World)
• Luxurious hotel room with balcony where Tony vaped despite strict no-smoking policies
• Security cameras potentially capturing Tony's naked balcony relaxation sessions
• Debate about massage preferences – Tony explains why he prefers Asian massage therapists over white ones
• Shock at spa pricing – basic services around $210-$230 with mandatory 20% gratuity plus expected additional tips
• Tony's revelation about his monthly pedicure habit and relationship with his pedicurist Lili
• Detailed description of hangnail removal process that sparked debate among hosts
• Stealing a spa robe as a souvenir from the expensive weekend getaway
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony hey fellas, when was the last time you were complete and utterly pampered?
Speaker 1:never had to tell pampered, pampered we're talking the full scale, talking fingernails, toenails we're talking the full scale, talking fingernails, toenails, I would say at least a decade ago I was. I got like a full, like two hour, three hour massage and it was like from stepping in the door you would do like a glass of water here's, we'll take your coat and this and then the other thing and smelled nice and that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:But then it was just a regular massage and then like a relaxing room and then, get dressed again or whatever, out of the robe and then you're on your way, but not. I don't know if that's full pampered. I would say just for partner points with my wife that she pampers me every day.
Speaker 3:So besides that, of course, I got a couple of massages.
Speaker 2:My life okay, so I, uh, I recently celebrated an anniversary and and this was a big one, boys, this was the one that most couples strive for never, never, make 11?, 24. For real, 24 years.
Speaker 3:You've been married for 24 years 24 years Holy crap dude, Don't you usually strive for an odd number like 25, 20, 30?
Speaker 1:Yeah, 24 is a weird gap, but let's just focus on this.
Speaker 2:That's half your life. Every year is a milestone year.
Speaker 1:You passed the half your life. You've been married already, wow years ago I wouldn't change it, man.
Speaker 2:I'm married to a down-ass bitch, it's good to hear, but, man, that's insanity so. So my lady said she wanted to do something special for us, right? So I'm like just open your mouth and we're just gonna keep this nice and simple and I'm like I don't want much, just uh, but uh, she scheduled a three-day spa retreat.
Speaker 3:So this is without your knowledge.
Speaker 2:I knew it was happening. I didn't know what was all involved in it, so it was a surprise. So I'm not going to say the name of the place, because things happened.
Speaker 1:I think you said it on previous episodes anyways, or maybe later episodes that you might hear at home, depending on when they're released.
Speaker 2:Who knows, who knows.
Speaker 3:You donated some shit.
Speaker 2:We woke up early and drove to the places about two hours away.
Speaker 1:Anyone who knows where we are knows exactly where that is. Jay says it's about eight hours away.
Speaker 2:I think Jay's like it's a two-day drive.
Speaker 3:I was thinking, yeah, it's like across the country, right.
Speaker 2:But we wake up early and we head down there and she goes before we can check into our room. I have a facial scheduled for us.
Speaker 3:Wait have a facial for you both. How can you do a?
Speaker 2:facial with the beard like cucumbers over the eyes, rubbing in your bro I went in, and such I went in with no expectations so get botox, or should we wait for that part? So we get there and they take us. They take us individually into our, into locker rooms and they go. Your locker number is 29 I. They give me a little card. I go find locker 29. I open it up. There's a robe and a pair of flip-flops in it.
Speaker 1:Do you go back and be like someone forgot their stuff in my locker?
Speaker 3:Just so you know.
Speaker 1:I think you gave me the wrong locker number. Do you know it was for you?
Speaker 3:It was like paper thin robe.
Speaker 2:Oh no.
Speaker 3:Oh no, and dissolvable slippers.
Speaker 2:These were like the softest winter coats that went down to your ankles.
Speaker 1:Like you thought you were dry from drying yourself off from your shower that morning, but when you put that robe on you realized there was still some absorption available to dry off.
Speaker 2:They were crazy robes, Crazy enough that there are signs everywhere saying do not steal our robes, they're available for purchase in the gift shop.
Speaker 3:Well, you got to purchase a used one, so you're basically using all these used robes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I thought they gave you new ones each time and the robes are like 200 bucks in the gift shop.
Speaker 1:Jesus. So that means they're like $60 robes Easily.
Speaker 2:Which is a crazy amount of money by itself for a robe, because who the fuck wears robes, right? So I go in the locker room, I get, I get buck naked and put this robe on. So are you the?
Speaker 2:only one in this locker room and I'm walking around and I get out of the locker room and, uh, you know they're explaining to us the spiel. Like when you're staying here, everybody lives in these robes. Like you go to the restaurant, everybody in the restaurant is in this robe. You go here, everybody's nobody takes these robes off. They're on all the time. Why?
Speaker 3:so do the workers wear them too, to make you guys feel more comfortable?
Speaker 2:oh, no, no no, they got very, very specific uniforms um, but you're just free balling under this thing all day getting salad well, you're eating soup. Here's the thing. When I get out of the locker room and I start looking at other people in the area that we're not you realize they're wearing clothes I'm the only one who's butt naked.
Speaker 3:Oh, boy, I was going to say there's probably pubes everywhere. The lady probably knew.
Speaker 1:She probably knew, when she saw you, that your little dinghy was poking a little bit too much and she's like, just so you know.
Speaker 3:Wait, did you say you have a two-pound stake for me?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so when we get out of the locker room, they take us into this meditation room. So you didn't go back and put on your skivvies.
Speaker 2:You're like, all right, oh no I like.
Speaker 2:I mean, you're already naked bro, when I commit to something, I see it through, all right. So I go, I go into this meditation room waiting. They're. They're like you're, you're faceologist, or whatever the fuck fancy name they got for them. They're gonna come in. They're. They're like your, your faceologist, or whatever the fuck fancy name they got for them. They're gonna come in, they're gonna call your name. So we go into this room and it's just me and my wife in this room and there's all these fucking like nice relaxing, like almost beds kind of chairs, like books, everywhere.
Speaker 2:You're not allowed to have your phone on you anywhere anywhere I know this, my, and actually it says that you're not supposed to have your phone in your room. But fuck that. Um, so we're waiting in this room and I'm just sitting fucking all sprawled out on this couch, balls just dangling, and then people start trickling into this room and this room gets really full of people uh, also getting services. So the the time comes, it's like whatever one o'clock there, there's a big clock on the wall, big digital clock, and as soon as it hits one o'clock, like 20 people walk out from the back and just start calling names all at the same time, which made it really awesome to figure out which one of these people called your name oh sure so, uh, the faceologist, or whatever they're called, who called me her, she was this pretty little thing.
Speaker 2:You, okay, chris, it's funny. It's funny, uh, this pretty little thing that came out and called my name happened to be named the person I probably masturbated to the most in my life.
Speaker 1:Carmen Electra no.
Speaker 3:Michelle Pfeiffer no.
Speaker 1:Pamela.
Speaker 3:No, cindy Crawford.
Speaker 2:Topanga, topanga.
Speaker 1:I remember he's been married since he was like 12 years old, oh, wait, that's from Boy Rules World, isn't it?
Speaker 3:Boy Meets World. Boy Meets World. Topanga, okay, topanga, okay, topanga. I was trying to figure out where the fuck you're talking.
Speaker 1:I guess we should give the audience some context.
Speaker 2:The hottest person in my age group at the time. Whoever walked the fucking planet?
Speaker 1:When was that shit on TV? That's the 90s dude.
Speaker 2:That's the 90s, early 90s, that's 89, no 94, okay, maybe, yeah, anyway, topanga from panga come, gets me out and she's like are you ready for your facial or not?
Speaker 1:does she look just like her, the topanga girl? Then they're not far off. First episode 1993, in september last episode, may 5th 2000, so it ran for seven years.
Speaker 2:You guys are way off daniel fishel and ben savage so we're walking back to our uh treatment room what they call it and uh, we're walking and she's she's trying to make small talk with me and she's like have you ever had a facial before? I said no, actually I haven't. You're like what does that mean?
Speaker 1:like when you're my wife sits on my face she's like.
Speaker 2:She's like well, uh, you know you're gonna have a great time. It's gonna be very relaxing. It relaxing it's actually. It's going to be wonderful for you. I'm glad I'm the first one to ever give you a facial and I'm like okay. So when I hear facial I'm like anytime I've Googled like woman gets facial. It's been a very different situation.
Speaker 1:You have to like click an okay button that says you're 18 or older.
Speaker 2:So we get in the room you think you're going to get calmed down or something and she's like de-robe, what? And go on the bed there and I'm like, oh, you don't want me on my knees, Like I thought this was going to be very different. What do? You mean de-robe, like in front of her. You're butt naked. She's like we're gonna leave the room. Oh, michelle, michelle's in the same room as me.
Speaker 3:Oh, it's like couples is she butt naked too, or did she actually put?
Speaker 2:clothes like fucking loser, swimsuit or clothes clothes like your jeans.
Speaker 1:She's in jeans under there.
Speaker 3:So when you both take your robes off, she looked at you and she's like why the fuck aren't you wearing clothes? Tony, I said I came to play. This is a facial.
Speaker 1:There's no phones, no one's going to take a picture, only the sauna is going to have the video.
Speaker 2:Only the hundreds of surveillance cameras.
Speaker 1:Of cameras in there.
Speaker 3:They only have cameras in the facial rooms.
Speaker 1:Tony walks out in this robe but also inside of a black taped bubble. It's black taped. I'm just blocking the cameras like I do at home. It's not most comfortable.
Speaker 2:I got a can of.
Speaker 3:Krylon with me. I had a delay. Laugh, Chris, because it took me a second to figure out what the fuck you're talking about yeah, I'm wearing the robe in here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing the robe in here. Yeah, yeah, I'm wearing the robe. I don't have anything else on and I'm in the.
Speaker 2:So I laid down on the bed, face up, like she asks me to, and she comes in and she tells me she goes. This is going to be, this is going to be a wonderful experience. She's like I'm going to start with your shoulders and then I'm going to move down to your feet How's that? A facial? And then, and then we're going to get to work on your face.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:And uh, cause he must be relaxed. So they relax your body, so that your face is relaxed.
Speaker 2:Oh my, God dude, it was wonderful, Okay, and we got all done and I mean I fucking smell great.
Speaker 3:I feel 10 years younger, Like it was fucking great it didn't last long, because your face looks the same.
Speaker 2:It lasted an entire hour, which was not nearly enough time for this. And my wife sits up when she's done and she's like so what'd you think? Wife sits up when she's done and she's like, so what'd you think? And I said I don't understand how you don't have one of these scheduled every week of your life.
Speaker 3:This is fucking amazing how so you described your girl. How was your wife's girl? Guy was she?
Speaker 2:I don't even remember anybody else being in the room only you and topanga it was just me and topanga eyes with your eyes open just staring at her oh intensely.
Speaker 3:I loved you. In boy meets world, it was you're so great.
Speaker 2:I thought you would have made more money where you didn't have to do this shit. But uh, we throw, we throw our robes back on, bounce out of there and check into our hotel room. And this hotel, this hotel room, was fucking wonderful yeah it was like two rooms. There's like a living room, a bedroom. The bathroom was fucking enormous.
Speaker 3:This is all three days of uh, sun or um spa experience. Yeah, there's like no, is there like drinking involved?
Speaker 2:danielle official, the topanga is worth four million dollars that doesn't seem like a celebrity they must not have her nft and crypto factored into that network. Maybe not, but yeah. So we go into our hotel room, which is wonderful, but they have a strict no vaping policy.
Speaker 1:Or smoking, or smoking, or cellular phones. Do they have alcohol there though?
Speaker 2:On their entire grounds.
Speaker 1:They get you drunk though.
Speaker 2:Right, it is an option. It's not a cheap option but it's an option.
Speaker 3:Going back to the vaping, that didn't stop you.
Speaker 2:Oh hell. No, I vaped before. The door was actually all the way closed.
Speaker 1:Your vape is a really small nicotine nick yeah it's a little puff vape.
Speaker 3:It doesn't really produce a large when I try to hide my yeah, my puff, I kind of like inhale it and swallow it into my body and let it absorb into my muscles that I don't have. That's insane, and it just eventually comes out as nothing. You just gotta keep it in long like you take a big hit but I'm in, but I'm in a private hotel room. I'm like I got nothing to worry about yeah, but until they come here and smelled strawberries and fucking his doesn't smell like that, it's just like a little what?
Speaker 2:yeah, I don't have like watermelon douche like you do, oh, okay yours is like a jewel.
Speaker 3:Yeah, basically like a jewel. I used to have one that smelled really bad because it was tobacco flavored and everybody used to think I just farted all day long it smelled like shit.
Speaker 2:So we had a screened-in balcony and I spent a fair amount of time of my weekend on this screened in balcony that had like a half wall in it, sure, but butt naked sitting on the couch. I like it. I like it a lot. Just, I mean, I was, I was dick out most of this vacation. It is refreshing you was not a nudist. Did your colony, though, but you were just nude but I'm like outside, butt naked, standing at the half wall overlooking the pool. Nobody can see what's going on, waist down, fair enough.
Speaker 3:So what happens to your dick when it's out in the open for that long? Because nowadays, human beings never have their dick exposed unless they're in or out of the shower or taking a shit. Yeah, no, it was great, but did it dry out and my skin is incredibly white, from about mid-thigh to my waist.
Speaker 1:My butt is glowing at night.
Speaker 3:I feel like if you left your dick out for too long, it'd start shriveling up.
Speaker 1:No, it'd probably get sunburned if you were in the sun.
Speaker 3:No, even if you were in the sun Almost instantly.
Speaker 1:Why do you think it would shrivel up? It'd probably just want to keep running out free like a snake.
Speaker 3:It'd be like a plum turning into. What do they turn into when they dry out?
Speaker 2:No support.
Speaker 3:I did notice, my balls got extremely long.
Speaker 1:Tony's like damn it it. Something keeps hitting my thighs, that sounds, it sounds good it was great, so I threw.
Speaker 2:We got back up in the room. You know they give you a different robe in the room. Shit, you got two robes so you had to leave. They give you a gray robe in the locker room, but the white robe in your room doesn't hide nothing, signifies that you're a guest. Oh, and you're not just there for, like, day spa services.
Speaker 3:Dude, I can just see you eating with that white robe on.
Speaker 1:Cause I was. That's your check-in robe. Once you've checked in, you got that robe. Was it the same style and feel, or was it?
Speaker 2:better.
Speaker 3:It was a little bit better Get out of here Cause it was different color. Better like get out of here because it was different color it was this velvet pocket I'm in a pocket in a robe yeah, no, it was fucking great.
Speaker 2:So I'm out on the balcony about a day and a half into this trip and I look up and I notice that there's a camera looking right onto my balcony.
Speaker 1:The whole time. Yeah, like one of the.
Speaker 2:The bubble cams, oh, and I'm like, oh, I wonder if that's only looking at the pool or if it's looking at me vaping on my sun porch butt naked.
Speaker 3:Definitely looking at you vaping.
Speaker 1:Poor security guy is like fuck, like fuck not again.
Speaker 3:This guy is out there. I think that actually helps you and kept you from getting in trouble, as you were naked.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like fuck or when they try to charge me the cleaning fee for the vape smoke and I can go show me the footage we deleted it.
Speaker 3:Well, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:That shouldn't be. That should be private areas, sort of it's outside Are you on the first floor or second floor Second floor.
Speaker 3:It's outside in the balcony, it's not inside. You can have cameras outside everywhere, it's security. Or someone breaks into your fucking balcony, tries to break it into your room. They can't because of the screen.
Speaker 2:And the little lock that you use on the screen.
Speaker 3:No, there's no like entrance it never works.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, okay so, but then we had, uh, we had a massage and uh, I mean it was good. I, if I'm gonna be honest with you, I much prefer asians over white people have you had these?
Speaker 1:type of services performed by what you want the in asian person yeah and you prefer the technique in some fashion, so it can't be every white and every asian so you're generalized.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing whenever I get a massage by a white okay, go on, have you got a massage by a black. Whenever I get massaged by a white, I always feel like it's a little it's a little lazy it's. It's a little like it's a little lazy. It's a little softer than I need it to be. It's a little bit more like they're trying to make you relax rather than working knots out of you. Okay, and they're always overpriced, those whites they be fucking charging.
Speaker 3:So basically, you don't want something to talk to?
Speaker 2:you go see an asian and for 60 you're getting fucking elbows, fucking feet, beating the shit out of you and you feel terrible when you leave, but for the next three days you feel amazing well, I don't think you're gonna find and maybe you will, but an asian named topanga well, topanga only does face shit.
Speaker 1:She doesn't do full body she's like what did you say? A faceologist faceologist so do you think that topanga was her real name, or do you think that's like her stripper name? Hairdresser name like at home. She hears the word topanga and she looks, but she knows it's not for her because her name is heather yeah, topanga is not a not a popular name.
Speaker 2:I think that would be really weird yeah, but I'm gonna you know the the main differences with white people.
Speaker 1:massages this comes from a guy whose name is one letter.
Speaker 2:Jay, they do in fact, smell better. White people really care about the scents, where Asians just smell like fucking baby oil.
Speaker 3:That's it. I thought you were going to say fish or something.
Speaker 1:No, there's no sense, I think you're going to different type of places, though, so is this the first white massage you've ever gotten.
Speaker 2:I've gotten dozens of each, so you get treated all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:No, I do massage a lot, so you don't see color when it comes to't see color. I think it's the only way I'm able to still walk I what you don't see color when it comes to massage. No I see color a lot and I prefer yellow so we're getting back to business around here I need an applause for that one Wait that's the wrong one.
Speaker 2:No, when I see a white come out and call my name out of the room, I'm like God damn it. It's all right, man, maybe I'll find the right white one, you're like when they say your name Anthony, and they really can say that Thinny part, you're like they say your name anthony, and they really can say that tony part. You're like anthony, but uh yeah, so that was wonderful.
Speaker 1:We went and celebrated at at the uh, at the spa's restaurant, which I wasn't expecting much because I'm like it's just a little well, I'm wondering though, like when you were checking out, was there like the big beefy security guy, like peeking around the corner of the checkout counter, kind of looking at you like, hey, trying to catch your attention, like he saw you on the cameras?
Speaker 2:nope, it's like none of that, it's all. It's all pretty young women that work there.
Speaker 3:So were you worried that you might get called out? Hey, I'm sorry, but we saw you vaping naked on the camera.
Speaker 2:Actually I wasn't. I wasn't worried about it at all, but I stopped vaping on the balcony as soon as I seen the camera. Really, you stopped? Yeah, I just went into the living room and vaped, so I was trying to be considerate and only vape outside technically, yeah, that seems like you should have just kept.
Speaker 3:Well, maybe okay so maybe you can smoke outside. Why can't you vape out?
Speaker 1:not on their property.
Speaker 3:Fuck out of here. That's fucking ridiculous. You're paying premier dollar to get a face massages from Topanga. You expect to do what you want to do when you can do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but Topanga's other clients are like this. Guy smells like freaking cigarettes and I came here to quit smoking and get a facial.
Speaker 3:But we already discussed that his doesn't smell at all. Vapes don't smell, and if they do, you usually smell very fruity.
Speaker 1:There's only one good faceologist in this state and, pray to heavens, it's a non-smoking environment and I intend to help keep it that way.
Speaker 3:this sir was smoking vapes on his balcony without his shorts on can we, can I, uh, can I ask how much this ran you?
Speaker 1:you don't want is that you don't even want to know?
Speaker 3:dude, my wife, it's not yet it's super important because I always want to know. So what's?
Speaker 2:maybe I want to do that. What's funny is, leading up to it, my wife's like well, we got to go online and we got to book all our services and I so this is where, like men and women's brains are are a little different, because the timing part I I would. I would totally be like okay, I rented the spa, the spa room, so when I get there and check in, I'm gonna book all my services right away, like you shouldn't have to pre-plan a month in advance, and and there should never be a time when but there's only so many faceologists and if they need to bring another one in for that weekend and you know, the thing is is I feel like when you're staying there, they should be like okay, mr Kavanaugh, we have a couple low-life fucking day spars that are just coming here for the afternoon to get a faceologist appointment.
Speaker 2:We're going to actually bump them, them.
Speaker 1:Oh. That's a terrible business model. There's no way either that they all would have been ready right at one o'clock to yell your, all your names at the same time if they hadn't scheduled that shit six months in advance you know, I just I'm saying. This is why having a wife is a good thing, because she planned ahead Right, so she's like so you didn't get stuck with, like the mud rub or some other bull crap thing that they just was like sorry, that's all sold out. Sorry, that's all.
Speaker 2:You get to go on a balloon ride. So my wife hit me up a couple of weeks ago and she's like, we got to, we got to lock down all these appointments for the spa services. And I'm like, okay, cool, and she goes. Well, what do you all want to do? And I said I don't know. We're there for three days like schedule one, everything like that's what makes sense to me, right like we're there, there's not shit else to do, we don't have phones like at a water park you go down every water slide there's no water park.
Speaker 1:There's no, it's like a water park where you will go down every water slide if you could.
Speaker 3:Oh right, you could have your phone only in your room, right?
Speaker 2:you weren't allowed to have the phone in your room, but they can't really stop you okay, they can, they'll bust down that door all right yeah, you had the phone but. But people were at check-in like turning their phones into the front desk fuck that yeah, I was like no, thank you, I need to check my sports app but you know, I'm like. I tell her I'm like this is, this is a very special. I mean, everybody knows 24 years, fuck, that's like the pinnacle of marriage it's one more year to 25.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, yeah, that's the number.
Speaker 2:So I'm like I'm like baby girl, just schedule one of everything. And she's like, well, I think you're gonna want to look through this list before you tell me that I'm like, all right, cool so wait, when you look at a list, you get to see the pictures of the faces of the people yeah, no, I picked them based solely on how do you think it's a chinese restaurant or you just get to look at the? Picture menu. Can I get a?
Speaker 1:picture menu.
Speaker 3:Please, I'll take a c11. This is a full out massage parlor.
Speaker 2:Yes, so she starts by going on the massage and it's like 60 minute massage. You know, pick out one of nine different massage packages we got and you know I look at the first one and I'm like, oh okay, cool cbd massage. I'm like that sounds wonderful, get that one. And then I look at the price and it's 230 and I'm like for both of us she's like no a piece.
Speaker 2:And I'm like 230 said let's do. They got just a C, not a CBD, damn. And we go down and their basic massage is like $210. Jesus Christ, for an hour. An hour, it's not even 90 minutes, no, it's an hour. And I'm like, oh, that's pricey.
Speaker 3:I might want to look through this list before I tell you to just schedule one of everything. I thought that if you buy like a package deal, you get a certain amount of massages with it.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:No what you do?
Speaker 1:you turn your money into coupons, and then the coupons will earn you massage therapy sessions.
Speaker 3:Holy fuck, dude you probably spent like five grand there.
Speaker 2:No, not quite, but then I start looking through others. Could you?
Speaker 1:imagine sleeping through one of your appointments because you're relaxed. That's what you're supposed to do. God damn thigh thunder, massage or whatever it is.
Speaker 2:And then not only that, but everything in the entire place gluten-free is vegan allergy free? Uh, totally vegan. They got dried apricot stations every fucking 20 feet. Is it really no meat? No, there's meat at the restaurant.
Speaker 3:You're fucking with me, but uh, yeah, I think they have dried fucking meat outside. What do you?
Speaker 2:every come out. Every single, every single, everything in this place. Like you say, every single, everything in this place. I, like you say, every single, everything, has a 20% gratuity attached to it. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:On top of the printed price on the screen.
Speaker 3:On top of the printed price and then they all Also expect another tip on top. They all do Every bartender, god dang.
Speaker 2:They're like you have to close your tab out. And I'm like I got in kind of an argument with this dude from Turkey and I'm like yo, I don't have to close my tab out, you can just close it out. And he's like well, but you can add tip. And I said I don't need to add tip. You guys already did that for me. I'm like regardless of whether you gave me great service or terrible service, I have to tip you.
Speaker 1:Regardless of whether you gave me a great service or terrible service, I have to tip you. That's what happens at the cruise ships, and then no one tips extra like ever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm like Sometimes, I guess if you want the guy to come back. I'm like your drinks are fucking $20. Sure, I'm tipping you $4 per drink. So every time I come up and order two fucking whatever the fuck your signature drink is because everything at this place was their signature thing. They had over 200 items that were their signature item Jesus Available in the gift shop.
Speaker 1:Mix available in the gift shop.
Speaker 2:So if you go up and you order their signature vodka cranberry, you order two of them.
Speaker 1:I've tipped him $8 for making these two, and then you're supposed to put in six bucks more.
Speaker 2:And then he hands you, like a little begging puppy dog, he hands you a little thing that says additional tip and I wrote zero on so many of them, cards Like so many, actually all of them, until it was Topanga's turn. No, Topanga got an extra hundo.
Speaker 1:But, they did at least go through the effort of printing you off a piece of paper instead of just flipping an iPad or having you sign your finger on their phone.
Speaker 2:And after the first day, michelle was very much so worried about closing her tabs out and I'm like, don't worry. I'm like we're not closing them out, they're going to leave them open. They're going to close them out and they're not going to fucking stand there and try to shame you into giving them more money. I'm like just fucking leave it open and they'll close it out, trust me.
Speaker 1:Well, did you get like 84 credit card charges on your thing, or did you get one big?
Speaker 2:one, one big one, it all goes to the room. Yeah, so you're closing it to the room. You're closing it to the room.
Speaker 3:You're closing it because, uh, that's their opportunity to get the tip, another tip, so makes sense. I mean, if you want extra money, why wouldn't you?
Speaker 2:but I start going through this list of spa services, picking out what what we're gonna get, and, uh, we landed on just the massage and the facial because I thought 240 dollars for an hour of group touching a rock and chanting was just a little too rich for my dad what was the name of that, uh, touching a rock while chanting that is the name of it, like they had so many different things, they had like a 150 group yoga, like the wildest shit.
Speaker 2:And I'm like, yeah, we'll just stick with the massage and facial. And uh, she's like, well, do you want to get, you know, pedicures and shit.
Speaker 3:And I'm like, well, I, I already go get a pedicure once a month so like I which one's the, that's the, that's the foot, right, yeah, okay, why the fuck you?
Speaker 2:get feet, I get. I pay lily 60 dollars every month for my pedicure ready. I'm like I'm not gonna pay some white chick who's gonna do a half-assed job on my nails and leave you with smell like french vanilla 230 dollars for a pedicure how long does a pedicure pedicure take for a man, for?
Speaker 1:you for me, my feet are probably taking an hour lily spends an hour 20 on me oh my god what the fuck is she doing to your feet? What do you guys talk about?
Speaker 2:what the fuck I? I sit on facebook while she goes to work on me what?
Speaker 3:I've never even seen you without shoes on. What's the point?
Speaker 2:uh, I get hangnails real bad, so she cuts them out.
Speaker 3:That takes an hour and a half.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for her to get all of them, yeah, so you're telling me you maintain this lawn that's down there by spending money and having someone take care of them every month yeah. But you're having problems where you're getting hangnails.
Speaker 3:No, that's why he does it to to not have, do you think?
Speaker 1:that they're creating the fucking problem. It's like a dope dealer getting you hooked in your back. So look, she's like this idiot, anthony. She tells all her friends I'm cutting it See how my nail. That's your hand, though.
Speaker 2:I know it grows in and then it curves in and I can't cut them out on my feet.
Speaker 3:Chris's explanation is your body works itself out, so if you're having someone do something to your body once a month.
Speaker 1:Yeah, maybe you just need to let your toes grow for a little while and they'll flatten out out there, let them fucking speed number one, dude. I don't know when the last time I got mine done, but I ain't got no hangnails, you can tell dude.
Speaker 2:I can't believe you're in there for me right now.
Speaker 1:I got camping foot.
Speaker 3:Dude, I get pissed when my toenails get too long and they cut through my new socks.
Speaker 1:It pisses me off. I don't wear socks like ever, except for to work. Do you need a couple pairs? I got like 60, 100.
Speaker 3:Donate them to the homeless Dude that's crazy Once a month. Do you ever do manicures? No, never. Never done a manicure but do pedicures. Is that like a thing for dudes? Is that just we do pedicures but not manicures? I don't know.
Speaker 2:There's always fucking dudes in my nail salon. Who got you?
Speaker 3:into the pedicure. I did Wait. Am I saying right, pedicure, pedicure and pedicure? I can't fucking.
Speaker 2:It's pedicure. I got myself into it, I actually, and I found Lili after like going through like 20 people, lili. What if Lili changes joints? Dude, if Lili gets deported? I'm fucked.
Speaker 3:I guarantee you're not even pronouncing her name, right.
Speaker 2:It is, it's L-I-L-I.
Speaker 1:Did she her name right? It is, it's l-i-l-i. Did you say that's a lie?
Speaker 2:lie, her name is fucking heather, that's her nail salon name that's a good one, chris that's a good one, but uh, every time I go in there there there's several dudes in there getting pedicures. I've never seen one getting their hands done, though.
Speaker 3:Dude, I don't know you bros just sit around drinking your seltzer waters with cucumber checking like, did you guys see? The sports game Bryce Dude, I don't even know about sports. They don't talk about sports. They talk about fucking fashion. Listen to me. You see a new fucking shirt come out this week from fucking yes.
Speaker 2:So here's what happens beautiful, I get home from work, I'm like this hangnail starting to bother me. I call, I call silver nails, and I go hey, I need to make an appointment with lily. And they go for when? And I said for right now? And they go can you be here in 10 minutes? And I said absolutely. I hang up the phone, I get in my car, I drive there, I text Michelle, who's already calling me going where did you just leave to? And I go. I'm running to Silver Nails.
Speaker 3:I'll be back in an hour and a half. You go there more than she does, guaranteed.
Speaker 1:I do over nails. It's an emergency. You go there more than she does guarantee I do see my lily.
Speaker 2:I go there twice as much as she does and, uh, and as a matter of fact, she won't use anybody but lily anymore. Lily is the shit when it comes to fucked up toes.
Speaker 1:I you know I have to travel out to the lake country to find this lilyili enjoys it more than I do. She enjoys it more, See that's the thing you want to see somebody who's going to work on you and not remind you that they're getting paid for it. It's like they want to do it.
Speaker 2:So she cuts my hangnails out, and she always has a look on her face like oh, I got a good one, anthony.
Speaker 1:Listen, dude, she cuts them nails out and she always has a look on her face, oh I got a good one, anthony, listen dude.
Speaker 2:She cuts them out and then, because they're like, dug into my skin so she showed them to you with the little blood, and then she. And then she slowly like, like she's hurting me. She has a look on her face like she's hurting me as she's pulling it out of my skin, and then she sets them all on my big toe and a line get the fuck out of here I don't know.
Speaker 3:It's like to show that's why it takes an hour and 10 minutes yeah.
Speaker 1:So here's what's happening she's cutting your nails so thin they're not broad anymore. Your nails are no longer broad. She's cutting into there and she's creating a scar or a scar tissue, a soft spot right. So when the nail does decide it's not going to grow forward anymore, it's going to start to grow to the side, or that other nail starts to come in from below that she doesn't get. That's broad still. It's cutting into your newly scarred area of foot.
Speaker 3:You got to take a shoe off and socks off. I have to see your foot.
Speaker 1:You need to get like like they have expanders to open people's dentist's mouth. You need like that to open your gaps on your toes and let your fucking toenails come out, and they'll come out flat and stay on top of your toe. All my nails, I know because you have this weak ass fucking skin under that she's ripping out of there every day.
Speaker 2:I don't get it done on my fingers and that shit happens yeah, you handle lime all the time.
Speaker 1:Your hands are shrinking like a shrinking, like a fucking shrinker regardless turning into a grape, great grape turning into a raisin.
Speaker 2:I'm going to tell you this I go get pedicures a lot less than you travel to go see Humphreys McGee, yeah.
Speaker 1:I walk in the mud when I do that shit and my toes are great, now he's getting offensive.
Speaker 2:But I walk in there. They know it's me, they know my voice. Yeah, she's got my fucking toe water all filled up. She's got a Sprite sitting on my little thing and she just fucking gets to work, are your?
Speaker 3:feet, that nice no After all this?
Speaker 1:No, they go to war once a month With a nail clipper and a tweezer.
Speaker 3:That's fucking crazy. It's brutal and a nail scissors.
Speaker 1:And then you soak it in this water and let it get all soft, and then they start to try to grow back and they're like all right, we'll just hide in over here again. Yeah, you got it all wrong bro.
Speaker 1:Maybe, If anything what you need to do is have her stop pulling the toenail off and start pulling the toe skin off that's next to the toenail, so that there's not a big hump for your toenail. Have nail to have to grow over, so you start scraping away at that fucking skin oh, she cuts all that off yeah, and then she's gotta let that nail grow. I don't know, bro, I think you got yourself into lily's got you in a lily.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're in trouble. You're in trouble now. It reminds me of the movie you're probably too late to go back. It's like botox. It reminds me of the movie bad santa, where the dude's like get in there, dig it out, I'm not gonna take it. And then she starts to actually do it.
Speaker 1:You ever yell at her, that's a great no, never does it ever hurt so bad that you almost cry and you're like don't do it.
Speaker 2:I can feel it coming, but don't oh, I can vividly remember one time where I almost screamed why she hit something. She had a nerve or something like toe pulling, pulling the fucking nail from out of my like because it cuts into your skin, like it cuts.
Speaker 3:Why would you want to do this? And they pay ultimate when they cut it out and she pulled it out.
Speaker 2:It like my skin was fucking stuck around it and it just ripped out. Yeah, it sucked, but then it didn't hurt anymore so she always makes you bleed. No, that was the only time, and that was one of the first times I went in and it was so bad, which is why I fucking had to go in. There you go, but anyway.
Speaker 1:I mean he likes to get tampered.
Speaker 2:Before we left I went down to the locker room and I stole the robe Nice.
Speaker 1:They didn't catch you on that.
Speaker 2:Not that I know, did you?
Speaker 1:get the used non guest, but visitor one.
Speaker 2:I got a folded. Actually, they don't fold them, they roll them when they've been sanitized. They roll them and tie them up with the thing. And I fucking grabbed it and I walked right to my room with it. Tony's like I can already get away with smoking in my room fucking take robe, no one's gonna catch me dude for for what I fucking spent on this mini vacation.
Speaker 1:A robe is again have you been sitting in your house butt naked?
Speaker 2:let it hang with this robe draped on you like you were there vaping on the patio no, I gave it. I gave it to my wife, who actually enjoys wearing a robe everyone in the cul-de-sac's like what's with tony? He's just sitting in his driveway on his lawn chair vaping Just sitting on a chair in a bag, in a fucking robe he's drinking sparkling water with a strawberry dropped in and out of a champagne flute.
Speaker 3:That would be a sight.
Speaker 2:Give us a star on the internet, or whatever the fuck you guys are supposed to be doing when you listen to this?
Speaker 1:Top Shelf Stories.
