Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Turbulence, Panic, and Puke: One Family's Air Travel Nightmare
Tony shares his harrowing experience flying back from Orlando with his 11-year-old son who has severe flight anxiety and his fearless 4-year-old who enjoyed tormenting his brother.
• Tony's family vacation to Orlando included theme parks, Legoland, Disney, and daily trips to Universal CityWalk
• The flight to Florida experienced one bad drop that triggered his son Chase's severe flight anxiety
• Chase spent the entire week asking about turbulence and the safety of their return flight
• A major storm delayed their return flight and created scary visuals at the airport with palm trees bending and tornado warnings
• The return flight experienced constant turbulence, causing Chase to have multiple panic attacks
• The situation reached its peak when Chase vomited, and the bag spilled all over Tony, Chase, and the floor
• Flight attendant provided rubber gloves, napkins, and a garbage bag for Tony to clean up the mess himself
• Despite the traumatic flight experience, the family has another flight planned for later in the summer
• Tony contrasts his sons' personalities - his anxious 11-year-old versus his "absolute savage" 4-year-old who enjoys tormenting his brother
Have you ever had to fly with somebody who has crippling anxiety? Well, I did, and here's what happened on this week's episode of Top Shelf.
Speaker 2:Stories. Thank you for joining us on Flight 186 coming out of Orlando. We'll be landing into Milwaukee, where the weather is 56 degrees, partly sunny. I do want to let you know that if you throw up on the floor we're going to make you clean that shit up. Thanks for flying again and enjoying your trip here on Southwest Airlines Top Shelf Stories with Jay, chris and Tony that's what I think about when I hear that now all right, so fellas, how's it going?
Speaker 3:I heard you were on an airplane Tony.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I decided because I got an 11-year-old and a 4-year-old that we were going to go on spring break to Orlando, Florida.
Speaker 3:Oh, yeah, you know. Go to the middle of the state. Why don't you? Well?
Speaker 1:it's a state I very much so dislike to begin with. So, but when you have a four-year-old, I mean, what the fuck else are you going to do with them? There's nothing to do with a four-year-old. There's nowhere to go that's fun for a four-year-old except Disney, universal or Legoland. The woods man, the woods Actually my four-year-old would be down with that, my 11 year old and not so much. What is the woods go to?
Speaker 3:the woods. Oh, go to the actual woods. Yeah, it was like a store.
Speaker 2:Go up north, get a, rent a bike with a trailer on the back of it and pedal your kids through the woods okay, well, mean, that sounds like a good name for a store.
Speaker 1:So okay. So I could have done that, but I opted to go to Florida. Cool, sounds good to me. I would have done the same. We took the flight down there and I'm going to preface this by saying A three-stop flight on Spirit Airlines, yeah right.
Speaker 3:Tony's rich man.
Speaker 1:He's got coach no actually, Actually no, you do coach and your kids go in the back. I run my whole business through Southwest Credit Card. Yeah, so we fly for free.
Speaker 2:Yeah, everywhere. That's pretty nice. That's pretty nice.
Speaker 1:Southwest is a pretty good operation. I could literally go get on an airplane right now. Let's do it and not have it. Well, no, no, you got to pay the tax.
Speaker 2:you got to pay like four dollars I didn't have to pay tax on my dad. Four dollars, I'm done. I don't. Maybe I did yeah. Yeah, it was like four or five dollars.
Speaker 1:So anyway, I'm gonna. I'm gonna start the story by telling you I have a four-year-old and I have an 11-year-old. They have very different personalities. My four-year-old is is an absolute savage. Nothing affects him, uh. The only time he cries is to get his brother in trouble because, he's. He's just mere weeks away from able being able to just beat the shit out of him hanging from chandeliers doing a fucking yeah, suplex, drop on him he's.
Speaker 1:He's an absolute savage of a child and, like I tell everybody, if he was our first child, he would be our only child we wouldn't even entertain the idea of having another child. It would just be pearl necklaces from here to the end of pearl necklace that's what happened with my third child.
Speaker 3:I'm like there's no fucking way I'm having another child because he's insane I thought this was going a completely different route I'm like, damn, you're giving your four-year-old pearl necklaces.
Speaker 1:What the fuck you gotta watch where you interject into the conversation, bro. Bro. So we're on this flight and it's a two-hour flight. We get an hour and I don't know 30 minutes in. Pilot comes on and he goes. Okay, everybody, we're gonna be running into some rough skies they're always so calm on that thing.
Speaker 2:Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us on our flight number 186 out into Orlando. I do want to let you know we're going to be running into a little bit of turbulation as we go along our route here, flying at a sultry 32,000 feet.
Speaker 1:All right, sorry, it was very similar to that. So back to my kid, real quick. My 11 year old is a very sensitive kid, who who has anxiety about just about everything he shouldn't he is. He is by nature a worrier, worry, worrier, worrier. He worries, he worries about everything. Yeah, uh, doesn't matter what it is. Um, if it's a test at school, he's freaking out about it for days. It really it does not matter.
Speaker 3:So he gets that from your, what your wife right. I don't know who he gets it from because you don't seem like a.
Speaker 1:My mom said I was like that and I still kind of am like that a little bit.
Speaker 3:No, fucking way, dude, you'd have like a bomb could explode in a house that you're just working on and you'd be like sorry, we'll get there next week or something. You are so calm when it comes to something bad happening Like I'm comfortably calm. Well, yeah, I can be. But also I do get anxiety about like I mean, you just told me someone shit and pissed in your house and you're like, yeah, they pissed on my great.
Speaker 1:It was like a very common story for you like, just say it, yeah actually makes me feel good about telling it and actually maybe when it happened, I'm like this is going to be a great story for my god years but uh. So the 11 year old looks at me and he goes what does that mean?
Speaker 2:what?
Speaker 1:does he mean? And I said well, it's something called turbulence. This kid's been on a plane 20 times. We've never encountered anything like this one one no, no turbulence anytime he's ever been on a plane. Uh, I've been in some really bad turbulence going to las vegas with me and michelle, but never, never with the kids have they experienced any turbulence my mom used to be a uh flight attendant and she said you can't die from turbulence.
Speaker 3:That's the only way that keeps me alive, because I feel like fainting when I'm in turbulence.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm a bitch too so the first, the first bump we hit, the first bit of turbulence, is a substantial drop straight down. Oh, that would be terrible where, where, like your stomach, goes up into your throat, yeah hay roller coasters and and I kind of I immediately know I get get this like smile on my face.
Speaker 1:My wife's looking at me like what the fuck are you smiling about? She's terrified. I'm like I know that this is the last time chase is ever gonna willingly fly. Oh yeah, that's right. I was thinking about like this is this? Is it like me crying?
Speaker 2:we felt that one thing one time one time that caused no actual and it's gonna be, it's gonna be the end of the world.
Speaker 1:So now he's freaking out. You say it was return or read on the way there, on the way there, yeah. So, man, we had about 15 minutes left of our flight and it gets a little bumpy. It wasn't anything crazy, but there were a couple of them that you know were a little bit like. This is pretty fucked up, like how is this plane still in the air? My god, no way that bad.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was, it was all right, well, luggage it was luggage falling out of the compartments above you, then it wasn't that bad no oxygen masks even fell.
Speaker 1:We didn't have to use the bottom of our seats as a flotation device be careful, be careful, reminders, you open up those overhead compartments the flight attendants are straight up fucking G's they're still wheeling beverage carts they're fucking handing out pretzels.
Speaker 2:They're pouring drinks as it's fucking dropping, and my four year old why are the flight attendants, no matter how old, even of the opposite sex are? Are they the same sex? Are they all so attractive? Why is that just?
Speaker 1:me they're hired based on looks Okay.
Speaker 2:I just wanted to make sure.
Speaker 1:But they always mix one real frumpy one in, just so they could be like see, we don't hire on looks.
Speaker 2:Is this one Gladys? Yeah, hire Gladys as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, get Gladys in there.
Speaker 2:There, she's the one who can do the announcement we're gonna put.
Speaker 3:We're gonna put the hot ones in the aisle showing you how to buckle I guess I don't fly that much because I haven't really noticed the attractiveness of now.
Speaker 1:You'll never stop thinking about it. But uh, so we land and it. It's an epic landing.
Speaker 2:It's the smoothest landing I've ever been a part of so, after a little bit of roughness, it was and and the flight attendant gets on the thing and she goes how about that landing guys?
Speaker 1:wow, was that smooth. And I I was like it was smooth. And everybody starts clapping and cheering. Oh the clap.
Speaker 3:They always do that.
Speaker 2:You know it's dramatic.
Speaker 3:I've never been on a clapping plane before. You've never been on a clapping plane no never.
Speaker 1:What are you flying from?
Speaker 2:I don't know Spirit air.
Speaker 1:Nobody claps on a spirit air I'm the same way. I fly on a gypsy air, gypsy air, but uh, everybody's shaking the pilot's hand on the way off come on, it's fucking ridiculous this guy is fucking the guy who landed in the in the hudson what is his name?
Speaker 3:he flew upside down. Is this denzel washington?
Speaker 1:everybody. Everybody's walking by him. He's tipping his hat at everybody. It's like a big fucking thing, right?
Speaker 1:so like he okay, yeah, it's, and there's a little bit of rain in florida when we land. So now chase has this correlated that every time it rains there's going to be major turbulence, right? So we were there for seven days and every 15 minutes of awake time I would get asked do you think there's going to be turbulence on the ride? Okay, I'll wake, I'll get you know. So I told him. I said, look, man, I mean, as he said. I said right now you're worrying about nothing. We got here safe, everything's good, you have nothing to worry about. I said these planes and I don't know if my estimation's right, but I said these planes are $30 or $40 million and they're owned by a company called Southwest. And they put two pilots on them that are both super capable of flying the plane, and they put all their flight attendants and I said then 250 people passengers. I said do you think Southwest would even consider flying their planes with us on them if it wasn't completely safe? I said do you think they would intentionally put you in harm's?
Speaker 3:way did you give them the old? Flying is way more safe than driving of course.
Speaker 1:But I'm like, do you think southwest would really put you know by the time all the lawsuits would be done? Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars at risk by flying on safe intentionally I said if, if we were ever on a plane that was going to go down if that's because god decided it was our time and there would be nothing we could do about it.
Speaker 3:Anyway, he's like I got. Don't worry, son, I have parachutes packed, he can jump out the bus.
Speaker 1:So he would. He would go, okay, okay. And then 15 minutes ago by is like give me the odds. What do you think the odds of us having turbulence are? So it was seven days of this. We're we're at disneyland or Disney World, I don't know what the fuck it is. We're at Disney, something Happiest place on the planet. And my kid's asking me what if one of the pilots passes out? I'm like I already told you there's a second pilot. I was thinking the same thing.
Speaker 3:What happens.
Speaker 1:If there's a turbulence, jerk and they both hit their head, then what happens?
Speaker 3:They hit their heads against each other.
Speaker 1:And now I'm lying and I'm like the flight attendants are technically all pilots.
Speaker 3:They have a backup pilot in the back.
Speaker 1:You just don't know who he is. I'm like you know that first overhead cubby that you can't use. It's a pilot robot.
Speaker 2:Well, did you tell him they basically do fly themselves like? Completely and then he's asking they don't land themselves, though did you tell him? How do you think the pilot knew that there was going to be turbulence if they didn't know all about how to handle turbulence?
Speaker 1:bro, and then at school earlier in the year they learned about september 11th. Oh god and he goes what happens if there's terrorists on our plane?
Speaker 2:I said terrorists, don't go to florida did you tell him about the movie snakes on a plane with samuel l jackson?
Speaker 1:like you, think terrorists are bad. There's a motherfucking snake on this motherfucking plane, so we had to deal with that for seven days. And he's asking us to check the weather to see if there's going to be turbulence from the time we land. So I told him look, I said I said this vacation.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have anything to do with rain either. It's clouds, I know.
Speaker 1:I'm like, bro, this vacation it doesn't have anything to do with rain either, it's clouds. I know I'm like, bro, this vacation is costing me like half of a car. Like this is so fucking expensive, right. Every day we're here is like eighteen hundred dollars. Right, I'm like we're not ruining this fucking vacation. I said we will look at the weather the night before, and the night before only. So stop asking. So, of course, I'm like low key, checking the weather on my phone. And it's beautiful weather. All seven days were there. Big storm coming in the day.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 1:I'm like all right, well, I'm going to check it again in two days. I'm going to see if this is clearing up, if this is going to pass. So sure enough it's not. So we're due to fly out. Yesterday at like 1 in the afternoon and at 8 o'clock in the morning, when it's 85 and sunny, I get a fucking phone call. Southwest Automated Line. Your flight has been what's that called? Delayed, delayed.
Speaker 2:Due to weather, coming out of Houston. Due to weather to 3 o'clock.
Speaker 1:That's crazy. It's fine. So we decide to go out for lunch. So now we're not going to be in this big mad rush to get to the airport All right. So we're going to go get lunch.
Speaker 3:What did you tell your kid that you're not? He knows the time of the flight. Yeah, I told him it got delayed, but usually why?
Speaker 1:We told him that there's a storm coming and they're waiting until the storm's over for us to fly no. Dude, we're fucking outside.
Speaker 3:Like he's not going to see the storm Like.
Speaker 1:look at all these Hollywood raindrops.
Speaker 3:Yeah, tell him it's just a, you know, it's a Cyprus cloud, yeah.
Speaker 1:So we're having lunch, we're sitting in a lovely place nice franchise place, called Joe's Crab Shack, crab Lace, and we're sitting there watching palm trees folding in half.
Speaker 3:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:Palm tree leaves ejecting off of the trees and fucking smashing into stuff in parking lots.
Speaker 2:That's awesome, dude this is great, this is epic big metal, big metal a-frame.
Speaker 1:Sign out in front of joel's crab shack say come on in for our lunch special hopping in the wind goes flying across the park. Come on, michelle's phone starts dinging. Then my phone starts dinging and I look at it and chase is going was it safe? Was it safe? And we tell him oh, it's just a text message from papa, your grandpa. Now you lie and we look at it.
Speaker 1:You lie to him and it's a fucking, fucking tornado warning. We're like tornado warning, fuck my. My kid was uh, we had a tornado go through his school's parking lot last year. Oh so tornadoes, you know. They were in their tornado drill all the whole school down in the basement and it ripped through the parking lot. So he has a crippling fear of tornado. So now we can't tell him there's a tornado, even though it's fucking blatantly obvious. It's picking smart cars up outside. Fucking people can't even be outside. People are walking fucking 45 miles an hour because the wind's pushing so it's the same year he was.
Speaker 3:He was taught 9-11. He had a tornado hit his school and then you take a flight in tornado. Hurricane season, yeah, hurricane season?
Speaker 1:yeah, that's right, that's right. No, it's in, it's like august, september. Oh, it's okay, whatever, it doesn't matter. But uh, no, you're right. You are right. So we're, we're killing time we go to the airport. We're by now. Our flight's been delayed now till like 7 30 at night jesus and when did we?
Speaker 3:when did uh that we send you that message? Because you were like uh, we're like are we doing the podcast tomorrow? And tony's like uh depends on the weather. What was that? What was it? Was it?
Speaker 1:yeah, I'm sitting in the airport watching no flights taking off, watching watching the board where all these flight times are changing to delayed. Then they canceled. Oh my god, I'm watching. I'm watching this fucking brutal thunder and lightning storm rush through the airport and I'm like fuck so it's starting to sound a lot like you are the one with the high anxiety because I know, I know what this is going to be with this kid man.
Speaker 1:I just know Like he's not going to let it go. He's not going to just go on there and go to sleep. It's not going to be any of that. So you just give us some Benadryl. They're ready to board us. Now it's 8 o'clock at night and and the lady comes up and you know it's Southwest, so you got to line up at your podium at your boarding number and she goes. You know. She says, like this is a full flight, we have 49 kids on this flight. Family boarding does not get to line up until I say so. I want only my A group boarding to line up. I want wheelchairs over here. I want you guys to get everything in the bins. Make sure everything's good and packed in tight. It's going to be a bumpy ride. Oh my god. I want to say something about.
Speaker 2:I'd be terrified so the flight, the flight captain jack at the flight, the flight captain Jack at the front of the plane can talk very smoothly over the speaker. Make sure everybody's calm In those terminals.
Speaker 3:they're like if you're in line for flight 32, we're waiting for. Jamie, jamie, the.
Speaker 2:Room is closing. Buddy, let's go. They're the worst. Get in line. Get in line, get ready to get on the fucking plane. Those are the flight attendants who couldn't make it those are the ones that have to stay back and yell at people so scary.
Speaker 1:Before you get on the plane so my four-year-old knows that he can't physically take his brother yet, but he's very smart. What do you mean? He knows Fight him, take him. He knows that if he tries to fight the 11-year-old he's going to get fucked up. For now it's not going to last long, trust me. Yeah, but the four-year-old has figured out how to mentally destroy my 11-year-old.
Speaker 2:Oh man, you see that weather out there bro.
Speaker 3:Hey, you see that wind, it's fucking here he's going, chase.
Speaker 1:I love flying in storms. It's so fun when it's bumpy. Shut up, shut up man, we're trying to change the subject and we're like so what was your favorite part of the vacation?
Speaker 1:and my four-year-old looks and chases eyes and he goes the plane ride looking right into the 11 year old's eyes so we get on the plane and and it's night now too, which is kind of more spooky yeah, it's pitch black and we get on the plane and they announce that um, beverage service is going to be a little later than normal, blah, blah, blah. He's like we got to get through the rough skies before we can damn. Oh the, the lady at the gate said and I'm gonna give everybody an extra five minutes right now. If you got to use the bathroom, go do it now, because that fast and seat belt sign is going to be on for most of the flight due to all the turbulence. And I'm like Over the loudspeaker.
Speaker 2:Oh, because of the turbulence.
Speaker 1:I'm like this bitch here, this motherfucker.
Speaker 2:Hi everybody, just wanted to let you know if you're boarding us to Milwaukee. You're going to have a fun ride, so you better use the bathroom before, because it's going to be a bumpy one.
Speaker 3:So we get on the plane? Was the kid crying, Dude? He?
Speaker 1:wasn't crying yet You're just looking at him. He was Devastating. He just kept like calmly asking he's like we're going to be okay. Right, we're going to be okay.
Speaker 3:I'm like, of course we're going to be okay. Did you kind of feel bad, Dude? I felt terrible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, feel bad for my kid I don't want him to be scared. I don't know. I'm sick dude. I get some kind of joy out of this fucking false fears my kids having. If they're totally false fears, I kind of like. I'm like you're. You're four-year-old, I'm like. My favorite part was the plane ride, but I don't.
Speaker 3:It's crazy, chris, you're mental.
Speaker 2:No, if it's a real fear, but if it's false fear, that's a real fear, but if it's false fear, I can't that is a real fear. No, it's not, it's false fear. Both kids Fear of flying.
Speaker 3:False fear, both kids, I mean. Every fear is a false fear, if you think about it that way, fear of getting bit by a rattlesnake when you're hiking through the woods.
Speaker 2:Real fear, because there's actually rattlesnakes that will bite you. Fear is fear, fear itself. No, turbulence doesn't take down a plane.
Speaker 3:No, I know, that's what I just said.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, okay, sorry. Both kids opt to sit with me because Chase knows that his mom is also nervous about the turbulence. So now we got her sitting by herself. Three to an aisle. I got both kids Three to a side.
Speaker 2:Three to a side. Jam them up into the window so they can't sneak out who got the window. The four-year-old.
Speaker 1:He wanted it.
Speaker 2:Oh, I always wanted it.
Speaker 1:Because he wanted to keep the window open to make the 11-year-old more nervous.
Speaker 2:Sure hey look at all the way, look at how miserable it is out there that guy throwing our bags in there.
Speaker 1:Hey, chase there's something on the wing, some thing, so we start flying. Chase is like it's gonna be okay. Right, are you near the back of the plane or the front?
Speaker 2:yeah, because the back is where it wobbles the most, I think that's.
Speaker 1:That's what the flight attendant told me later. Really, yeah, because it's like. She's like, if you're afraid of turbulence, never sit you should say this by the wings.
Speaker 2:I never knew that. I think this is where you want to be, but but mostly so, the wings is the best place to be when? Because the back. If you look at a plane man, the back is just hanging off. It's like a teeter-totter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just hanging off so, uh, we start going through some. There was nothing. There was nothing major and nothing terrible, but it was constant for the whole flight.
Speaker 3:So it was like basically driving on a bumpy road. Yep, so there wasn't really any drops?
Speaker 1:A couple little ones, nothing like the one on the way there. That's what scares me is the drops, a couple little ones, nothing like that's the one on the way there. Scares me is the drops. So my kid, my kid, is going through full-blown panic attacks through the entire flight. So he's forgetting how to breathe.
Speaker 1:He keeps telling me he's gonna try to go to sleep and then he turns his tablet off, takes his headphones off and then immediately puts them back on, and then turns his tablet back on and then turns it off, Like he's fucking panicking so hard he doesn't know what to do. See that I feel bad. I'm sitting there.
Speaker 2:Because I was riven. I would have been riven on the kid going like you want to get the last drink of water. It might be your last.
Speaker 1:I'm sitting there trying to calm them down, man. It's like, what do you do? It's breaking my heart the whole fucking time. I would feel terrible. And there's there's no consoling them and it's like we're just sitting there and I'm like, okay, buddy, slow, deep breaths in your mouth, release out your nose.
Speaker 2:I don't know if that's the right thing to tell them, but it sounded it sounded like what a yoga instructor at this point, even the four-year-old's like all right, I'm done, I win.
Speaker 1:No, I'm done so the four-year-old fell asleep long before the plane even took off. Oh my god, he slept until we were at our guys.
Speaker 3:You guys are waiting, like what, 20 minutes before you can actually take off.
Speaker 1:You guys, it was like it was like a half hour of taxiing around the runway, and that's some of the worst.
Speaker 3:And he's like when are we going up? When are we going up? Oh, I felt a bump.
Speaker 1:I felt a bump and I'm like we're on the road.
Speaker 3:We're not in the air yet.
Speaker 1:Chase. So then, shit, an hour and 20, because Michelle has on Southwest, you can track where you are in the flight. Yeah, sure, so we're an hour in. We have an hour 20 left to go. It's still bumpy. Yeah, it was bumpy from fucking takeoff to landing the storm was through states.
Speaker 2:It was probably a whole thing coming across the country and you flew right through it.
Speaker 3:Yeah you guys were following the storm as it was going east.
Speaker 1:The pilots like just stay in it, just stay in it, just stay in it. But we could get out of it right here. No, just stay in it.
Speaker 2:This is fun.
Speaker 1:So he is.
Speaker 2:See that red light right there, cindy, that's the hazard light. When that's on, I get paid double. We're staying where we are.
Speaker 1:So our frumpy flight attendant Gladys, yeah, late, 60s, short, robust.
Speaker 2:Gym teacher Gym teacher fit, do you need?
Speaker 3:any drugs for your kid. I got some.
Speaker 1:So when they come around for beverages I always order a can. Did you get a shot? I specifically say I want a can of Sprite. It's 50-50. If always order a can, Did you get? Specifically say, yeah, I want a can of 50, 50.
Speaker 3:If they listen to you guys shot for your kid oh when they come hand me the little cup, I say oh no.
Speaker 1:I asked for a can. You're shot a vodka for this kid, and then they, they bring you over a can. And uh, chase asked for a water. And now michelle bought the big fucking seven dollar airport water, the huge one, and chase drank that whole thing in that first hour he has to pee and yeah, he's getting up during the turbulence I thought you couldn't get up. He was getting up. He's like I gotta pee. I'm gonna pee in my pants.
Speaker 3:That probably made him feel better, that he could get up and do something at that country, because you know for me, I guess, going in those bathrooms it's like yeah all right, I get scared because I have no control. So that's the only control he had was getting up and going to the back. That's his control.
Speaker 1:Like that made him feel better so he would get up, go to the bathroom, come back, sit back down, and then he'd immediately go I gotta pee again. And so he went to the bathroom probably four times and it felt like six minutes sure and the people around us are like, oh, poor thing, you know, every time he gets up and goes away and I'm like, I'm like, yeah, I don't know what to do with them. I'm like, if anybody's got any drugs, now's the time. Like I don't know what to do and the flight attendant.
Speaker 1:We order, we order our cans of beverage and she goes what is it which y'all order in these cans? She goes uh, how strong you guys think I am and I'm like, from the looks of it, pretty goddamn strong it makes strong she's just like a mouthy old fucking lady why does a?
Speaker 1:can make you, because it's too heavy on her tray to take the whole can. She likes taking the little cups you know. So she's like kind of I don't know what's, what's that term? Brass brash? I don't know brash brash. She's like real lippy and not very friendly close to retirement and I'm like, I'm like god damn it, man, pensions coming up, so now she's realizing like how nervous chase is. And now she's coming over and like being really nice to him and rubbing his back and what telling you pay for that, telling him it's gonna be okay and every flight they take has turbulence.
Speaker 3:It's no big deal, he's like dad, can you get the girl in the back to rub me?
Speaker 1:this one's scaring the shit out of me more than she tells him she tells him a little bit of turbulence is a trade-off for getting your destination in two hours instead of 20, and I'm like, thank you. I've been telling him that for fucking ever. All week I've been telling him that. So now, now we're to the point he's done with his back and forth bathroom breaks, he chugs down that next uh can of water and then he looks at me and he goes I'm gonna puke I'm like fucking great.
Speaker 1:I grabbed the bag out of the back of the seat, I hand it to him and he fills the fucking bag. It's all water three quarters up to the top oh and uh yeah I grab it from him and he's like I I still gotta puke.
Speaker 1:So I grab him another bag and I hand it to him. And when I'm handing him that bag, he swats and knees the full puke bag out. What why? Like when I'm moving it, like across his body, like when he's trying to grab the next one, he lifts up his knee and hits the puke bag from the bottom and then swings his arm out and fucking slaps it right out of my hand and the fucking whole bag of puke pours on me, chase and the floor. The whole.
Speaker 2:Hold on, let me say it again the whole fucking bag of puke, the $9 water bag of puke and the Texas Roadhouse or whatever he says you had the crab shack seafood shots it's on his shoe.
Speaker 1:It's on his pants. His sweatshirt's covered in it. It's in my crock. It's on my fucking. His sweatshirts covered in it, it's in my crock.
Speaker 3:It's on my fucking pants way you wearing crocs. Yeah, dude you always have socks on to absorb that puke. Yeah, I did. Well, you shouldn't be having. I took the socks off.
Speaker 1:That was the only saving grace at the end and my wife starts fucking panicking.
Speaker 2:Because my wife just can't stay calm about it like she has to draw attention to it and got you some fresh clothes out of the carry-on she's like calling for the flight attendant.
Speaker 1:She's like my son puked, it's everywhere. So this fucking lady, why do your kids throw? Up this fucking lady and they really don't dude.
Speaker 2:This is the second story you've told me. Now that's to both kids.
Speaker 1:The crazy thing is is they they were both reflux babies, so for the first year of their life like exactly a year they puked probably eight times a day, jesus christ, and since they've been one chases maybe puked probably eight times a day, jesus Christ. And since they've been one, chase has maybe puked five times in the last ten years.
Speaker 2:My kid is eight and has thrown up twice in her entire life, yeah, and Logan's puked twice. That's because you don't deal with boys Since he's turned one.
Speaker 3:You don't deal with boys. You have a girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, it's so much easier Somehow.
Speaker 1:Dude it so much easier somehow. So, dude, it's so much easier. I'm watching all these well-behaved girls in the fucking airport just standing there patiently next to their parents and my kid, my kid's taking the fucking velvet ropes and dominoing all the bases down on their sides. They're fucking hanging on everything. What's wrong with?
Speaker 3:them. Oh, don't worry, my kids touching everybody's parents just don't know how to parent.
Speaker 2:Come on, I grabbed that motherfucker girls.
Speaker 1:I grabbed that motherfucker by his ear and drug him back to the line and told him to be patient and he sat depending on what region you're from Indian style or crisscross applesauce on the floor for like 10 seconds and he had a rubber ducky in his hand and he fucking launched it at another fucking grown man.
Speaker 3:He just fucking threw it at him. All right, tony's getting in the fight, so anyway take him anyway take him, sir, he's all yours, this fucking.
Speaker 1:Now everything's covered in puke and this flight attendant comes over and I don't know what the protocol is for.
Speaker 2:Puke all over everything nothing dude, there isn't one but the protocol was.
Speaker 1:She handed me two rubber gloves and a gigantic stack of napkins and a garbage bag and said I'm gonna need you to clean this up yeah, sounds about right and I'm like, okay, I got it. Okay, like I'm gonna handle it, it's fine, it is what it is. I'm gonna handle it.
Speaker 3:I'm pretty sure if she's been in the, she's been there that long she's seen it before there's going to be no moving around. And was it like the smelly, smelly puke?
Speaker 1:No, it was fucking rancid.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's even worse.
Speaker 1:There were lots of half fucking dissolved chicken tenders in it. Oh, so bad. No good, there were lots of half fucking dissolved chicken tenders in it.
Speaker 3:Oh, it was so bad, dude, no good, so bad man.
Speaker 1:I can right now close my eyes.
Speaker 2:I don't want to either. No.
Speaker 1:Dude, I can close my eyes and smell it.
Speaker 3:No, chase, you didn't eat all six of your chicken nuggets. I've seen it in your puke, motherfucker.
Speaker 2:That's when I regretted saying two more bites.
Speaker 1:It was so bad. And then, and then my wife is totally making it worse because now she's like panicked about it and she's trying to console him. Who's now standing in the aisle? And then she's getting on her knees for a reason. I don't want her to get on her knees because I'm already cleaning it up and she's trying to help me and I'm like, sit in your fucking seat, like, just sit in your seat, I will handle this. It's not a fucking big deal. Now you're fighting in front of.
Speaker 3:I'm like sit down bitch 226 passengers. Was all this happening during turbulence?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Dude, that is the worst. I've spilled like One tenth of one of those Little tiny cups of Whiskey and ginger ale on my tray and that ruined half my flight.
Speaker 1:I can only imagine my paper's all wet now. No, it looks like I peed.
Speaker 2:God damn it yeah, you only got this little napkin to clean it up with. You got no room in there.
Speaker 1:You're snuggled in between strangers so then, after that he gets calmed down, he's still panicking. I pull up a game on my phone and we're playing it together and it's keeping his mind off it. He's totally, he's totally fucking cool. Now we're playing this game and then he tells me he doesn't want to play the game anymore, goes right back to panic attacks just telling a puke again. He's probably more nervous puking so now we're down to about 30 minutes left of the flight.
Speaker 3:Jeez, you still have turbulence.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was the whole way.
Speaker 2:I used to throw up on plane rides too, and I know how miserable it is Even just having the little bag of puke that you have to manage.
Speaker 3:I could not imagine. I don't know what to do with it Get air sick or something. Yeah, I don't know if I do with it Get air sick or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know if I do still, but there was a streak. I was on a streak of like six flights, seven flights in a row. I had thrown up on.
Speaker 1:You warned the pilot as you're walking. Just let you know I'm going to puke. It's not you.
Speaker 2:Oh, the first thing I would do when. I sit down is look at yeah make sure there's some eggs.
Speaker 1:Tell the person next to me I get nervous when I fly. I said to throw off a little, I'll be fine. You're asking the person funny, are you gonna use that puke bag? Yeah?
Speaker 2:for real. It got me bumped into first class once, but that didn't help. I still do. I'm next to the other guy in first class. I'm gonna try that, all right, sorry it's bad dude, I can only imagine so now the stink is this so now?
Speaker 1:do it so now we got 30 minutes left. Every 45 seconds he's asking michelle to check her flight tracker to see how long we got on the flight. So he asked 65 fucking times I feel bad man how long are we gonna have? How long is it? How long is it now? How long is it now? We land, he gets off, he's like, he's like it wasn't so bad.
Speaker 1:He's like, oh, I'm glad that's over. And then. And then I tell him I'm like I got bad news for you visiting grandma. I'm like I already booked us a flight to Mexico. I'm like we leave in two weeks. Really, no, not at all.
Speaker 3:Fuck, you say, you seem good.
Speaker 1:Now we're in the airport. He's all good, he's over it. We still smell like puke, but there's nothing we can do about that now and now I'm like fucking harassing him that I got all these flights. Michelle's like we drive in places, we're flying. You've got to get over this so you're telling me now that you ain't flying anytime soon no, we actually are flying at the end of summer to dc for to go visit my wife's brother.
Speaker 3:Oh, so what?
Speaker 1:it's gonna be bad. I don't know. Do they make children's ambient?
Speaker 3:I don't know, just benadryl I said it.
Speaker 2:Give them benadryl, give them one of the spike root beers do?
Speaker 1:I think we need to just only plan red eyes so they're so tired and I need to wake them up at like four o'clock in the morning and just run them on a treadmill for like six hours and then go to the airport. I don't know, man, make them read a book, fucking. Knock a cavanaugh right out. This can't get through the first page. Nothing makes us more tired than fucking breathing it's because you keep reading this, I get halfway through an ikea instruction manual and I'm like I need a nap damn dude yeah, that sounds.
Speaker 3:I mean, besides the the flight, the trip probably was. I mean was how?
Speaker 1:the trip was magical universal was kind of cool so we didn't actually go to universal, but we stayed in on universal's grounds but every did you do? Every night we went to city walk yeah, I've been there and uh, uh the kids. I don't know why, but the kids loved city walk that like they wanted to go there every night real quick it's basically there's like 20 restaurants. There's actually nightclubs up there.
Speaker 3:Some souvenir shops, everything a kid can do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, some souvenir shops.
Speaker 3:What do they like about it?
Speaker 1:There's music playing in the street. There's cool water, fountains, lights, there's fucking weird people to watch there's bands. Down there you can take boat rides. I don't know.
Speaker 2:The kids just really like that. It's the old boardwalk, it's. It's like a boardwalk.
Speaker 1:So the we did that. We went to lego land twice, we went to disney. We uh stayed at our hotel and swam one of the days we went to uh actually I think it was probably one of the kids favorite things is uh, we spent like a day and a half doing their real big outlet mall down there, like it's like fucking five city blocks. It sounds terribly invisible.
Speaker 3:It's fun. When you have money, it's fun.
Speaker 1:We didn't really buy much anything like the kids got sunglasses.
Speaker 2:We don't like shopping chase.
Speaker 1:Chase had a straight fucking blast in spencers until he got up. I don't know if you've been in a spencers in the last 10 years no, I've been 10 years but uh, you know, their registers are in the middle of the store and they got all the funny shit up front. You know he's 11, so he sees a shirt that says I love tits and he's like dude.
Speaker 1:You see what that says look at that I love big dicks, you know it's like fucking ridiculous but the second the second half of the store is fucking sex toys, jesus grace. So I'm trying to keep them away from the dildos, but let them look at the cool, like old, sublime shirts and stuff.
Speaker 3:I just tell them they're swords. So you know. Airplane blah. This airplane to your son is not good. He does not like flying, not a fan. We're done as of right this but you're not done you're gonna make it, you're make, you're gonna make a simulator in your house so that he gets over his goddamn fear could you imagine if it was like a seven hour flight with like a layover?
Speaker 1:you had to stop and get back on another one yeah, the lady behind us was telling me that uh, like two months ago she flew to india and that's like a 18 hour flight or something, and she said that the person sitting next to her was like the same as my son, like devastated to be on this airplane, and she's like it was the whole flight it was so miserable dude yeah, my, my, uh, my mom.
Speaker 3:For some odd reason, she was a flight attendant for so many years. She's terrified of flying, but she'll, so she'll take. Uh, xanax, yeah, they got kids, xx, I think, if you break it in half, it'd be fine.
Speaker 1:He's about half my, half my weight.
Speaker 3:All right, tony, that was a good story. That was a good story and you know, it just happened, so it was fresh in your mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a lot to deal with.
Speaker 3:I can tell you you bring out your uh emotional. You started to tear up a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so the other, the uh other cool thing about the trip if you're ever taking kids or whatever going someplace and the car rental. So we specifically rented a Jeep this time.
Speaker 2:Jeeps are fun.
Speaker 1:I've done that before Renting cars too and being able to take the top down. So you can rent like a Mustang convertible or something Like the little shitty six cylinder Mustang. But they're so fucking cramped to be in with kids. The Jeep's fucking perfect if you got like two kids and then you can peel all the tops off and sure uh the kids fucking loved it.
Speaker 3:This episode was brought to you by jeep.
Speaker 1:Get yourself a jeep, your kids will love you. If you're at the outlet mall, somebody will put a rubber ducky on what is that a jeep thing?
Speaker 3:that's a thing. Close, chris. Close this out.
Speaker 2:That's all you got today. Yeah Well, that's Tony's trip on a plane. Don't take your kids on a plane, at least not my kids. Yeah, I agree, cleaning up throw-up is fun.
Speaker 1:Thanks everyone, you can hit the button. Thanks everyone, you can hit the button. Thanks everyone, We'll be right back.
