Top Shelf Stories
In a world that often shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms—and open laughs. Our candid narratives around our stories assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. Tune in, enjoy the ride, and maybe learn a thing or two.
Top Shelf Stories
Imagining Netflix Dramas from Everyday Incidents
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
From a bizarre roadside encounter to the aftermath of an unfortunate accident, we explore themes of guilt, responsibility, and humor in the face of tragedy. The reflections post-incident lead to laughter and philosophical ponderings we hope resonate with you.
• Introduction of the recording environment and lightheartedness
• A fateful drive home becomes a tale of unexpected consequences
• The emotional unraveling after the animal encounter
• Reflections on personal responsibility and pet ownership
• Exploration of humor amidst challenges and moral dilemmas
Top Shelf Stories with J, chris and Tony.
Speaker 2What's up, guys? I don't know, but whatever this is, it's going to be good, because you ripped in here and you're like mic's on now, headphones, headphones.
Speaker 3Actually I waited. Jay, check my mic. Yeah, what's wrong with your?
Speaker 1mic. It's fine, I just had it off because I was fucking with it. Yeah, you fired into this. You're like well, I'll poop later, let's go. You barrel rolled to the table. He did actually move the table like I had to wait he pulled the table like three inches closer to him too, like everything had to be ready to go well, I haven't had my headphones on in a while and I wanted to put them on this time I noticed you look very different today.
Speaker 3I haven't seen you in a while what I look fatter, or something you do not right you're wearing.
Speaker 2You're wearing cream colored pumas rather than your standard red.
Speaker 3It's not puma, it's adida well, the pants are yeah, oh, you mix branding and my shoes are adida, so I we might as well go around the room.
Speaker 1I'm wearing a top shelf top shot, top shelf shirt I got, and tony's wearing company branded logo t yep, he looks amazing.
Speaker 3You actually match with your work pants.
Speaker 1It's weird, and we're sitting inside of a bunker. There seems to be some type of volcano going above us right now, but that's just the heat that's on, All right.
Speaker 3so there's something happened last week that I haven't even told my wife about.
Speaker 1Oh man, this is great. You're going to tell it to all of our listeners.
Speaker 3Yeah, this is a great place to tell people I don't know and two of my best friends Finally part of the flow club well, the what club. He said you didn't hear what he said before club. You didn't hear what he said before I finally got my period.
Speaker 2He said oh, that's what the flow was in town.
Speaker 3I got oh you fucking weirdo. So this happened on a Thursday of last week, so it's very new into my I may be wanted for a crime.
Speaker 1You're going to tell your crime on the radio too.
Speaker 3Do it man, it's do it man so it's basically I look at it as vehicular animal slaughter okay so no other personal property or humans were harmed that's all.
Speaker 1I don't know that's fine for me. You can go to. I don't know that's fine for me.
Speaker 3You can go to jail for killing an animal? No, you can't.
Speaker 1I don't believe you can.
Speaker 2Not with a car, With a gun yes, maybe intention.
Speaker 1Okay, continue, we'll be the judge and jury at the end of that.
Speaker 2Please don't tell me you hit a family of bald eagles. Okay, tell me you hit a family of bald eagles, okay. Well, while they were, while they were mating to save the species in the middle of the road, and you're on camera swerving to hit them, they're flying so low.
Speaker 3They're so big too.
Speaker 2It was the size of my vehicle they were fucking in midair and I was mesmerized actually shifted my car off to the side of the road because they're so big all right, start from the top.
Speaker 1I start at start.
Speaker 3I may have committed start that I may have committed a murder with my vehicle oh, I thought you're gonna say what bobby portis?
Speaker 2I don't know. That dude just looks like he does murder.
Speaker 1Crazy eyes Pardis.
Speaker 2Eyeballs, I think him and Lopez after every game look at each other and say, hey, man, you want to go burn down a?
Speaker 3building. I think he's going to be gone too. They're trading him, yeah, that's what I heard. He's been playing for a while. So I think this happened. I think it was Thursday last week and it was when I was driving home from work and it was kind of a dark, stormy night. No, I'm kidding, it was like a dark road, so I couldn't really see a lot and there wasn't that much traffic. But as I was driving down the road, all of a sudden the shadow from the trees shot into the street. It was a lot lizard and I usually if if you know, you know when something like goes in this into the street and you feel like you're gonna hit it and you're like you hold your breath or you just kind of like oh my god, you get excited.
Speaker 2It's just crazy. You get all giddy like the first time you kissed a lady.
Speaker 1I think you're supposed to drive through.
Speaker 3That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1My dad told me the only time I've been in an instance like that. A tree fell down in the road in front of us.
Speaker 2You had to drive through it.
Speaker 1During a crazy rainstorm, and it was, yeah, my dad was driving, we were in Germany, what? And he reached over and he held me and he just was like we're jumping again.
Speaker 2He just hit the gas.
Speaker 1He hit the gas man Go faster, drive through it and, like branches, hit the shit, broke the window mirror off. So I think you're you're on the right track by going.
Speaker 3That's what. That's funny, cause that's exactly what my dad told me, and taught me too, is if there is an animal or such, you got it. You can't swerve out of the way, cause you're going to. You could crash into somebody else. You could crash into somebody else.
Speaker 1You could cause more problems.
Speaker 3So you got to just fucking drive through and when that shit happens, like a squirrel running across the street or something, I always don't even feel it. I was so.
Speaker 2I was you swerve, tony? No, but what I do is, if it's a human, if I miss it, I then go in reverse like refight retarget located mode Fucking crazy With his murdering actions of stomping out of a tiny little mouse.
Speaker 3I could see him doing that.
Speaker 2We are literally sitting in a room that has two animals that I murdered and was so proud of that I decided to make lifelong mementos of them, the one behind you looks fake.
Speaker 3It's not. Is it a pheasant? Yeah?
Speaker 2it's a pheasant. Okay, it's from Asia. You went to Asia and shot a pheasant. No, they brought them here so I could shoot them. That's all they're fucking made for, he's shooting them.
Speaker 1Yeah, I've never seen one of those birds.
Speaker 2They breed them in pens and then, right before you're about to go out and shoot them, they go put them out into the fucking field, yeah so this thing darts across successful hunt every time, you win every time.
Speaker 1Claw machine game for hunters. Basically, this, this bird, is no better than the rubber ball or the rubber ducky.
Speaker 2Oh, you can still miss them very easily. They're fast, little fuckers.
Speaker 3Don't you shoot them with a shotgun and the pellets kind of spread out, so it's easier, mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 2They only spread so far, though Sometimes you wish they went an extra couple feet.
Speaker 1What's the name of that gun? The blunderbuss. The blunderbuss that can shoot almost anything out of it. The old pirates guns. You know what I'm talking about the giant hole it's got like a cone on the end of it basically you could stuff anything in there and I didn't shoot it, like old rings and anything you could find, fucking jacks, alright. So Jay's out shooting out the door trying to kill this thing, or what do you got Shadows.
Speaker 3Never so. Shadow runs across the street and usually, for some reason, I always miss him or I'm always terrified. So I hold my breath and I close my eyes and just pray that I don't hit it.
Speaker 2I think that's the right move.
Speaker 3I look back and usually I don't hit it. I think that's the right move. I look back and usually I don't hit it. I don't hit it. This time came across, held my breath, closed my eyes how big I'm getting to, that it's nighttime, so I didn't see how big it was, so it wasn't a squirrel.
Speaker 1Was it maybe a cat or dog or a wolf, or was this?
Speaker 3a deer or bear it was a wolf?
Speaker 1I don't know.
Speaker 2I thought I missed it, but I all of a sudden heard, but the suspension of the car told you different. Yeah, it went.
Speaker 1I'm like well, again you're driving a micro machine truck. This still could be a squirrel. What are we?
Speaker 3What size rain. Hitting a squirrel is like hitting a regular deer and destroying my. I hit a squirrel, destroyed my car.
Speaker 2He hit a raccoon and his car actually stopped in the middle of it and teetered back and forth on it, stopped on it.
Speaker 1Clearance is three and a half inches on the thing.
Speaker 3As I was saying, I hit it. I heard the thump, thump. I'm like fuck and I pulled over to the side of the road immediately You're a good driver.
Speaker 2You hit it with two wheels.
Speaker 1They say shoot to kill.
Speaker 3If you're going to shoot, shoot to kill. So I hit it. I hit it, I knew I hit it and I was terrified. I didn't even want to look at it. I pulled up the side of the road and I looked in the rear view mirror and I could just see it was kind of moving Feathers everywhere.
Speaker 1Objects closer than.
Speaker 3I see it was kind of moving and I saw that it was the size of a raccoon, maybe a little bigger, but it didn't look like a raccoon. So I'm like, is this a fucking dog? You hit somebody's dog dude, I'm freaking out. I'm like, is this a dog?
Speaker 1I hope it better not be it better not be a dog.
Speaker 3it better not be a dog, like that's what I'm saying as I'm looking in the mirror and I'm still not getting out of my car because I'm terrified. So and I'm thinking to myself it's still moving, so it's still alive, but it might be dying. So if I have to put it out of his misery, I don't have like.
Speaker 2Which brings me back to the movie me myself and Irene.
Speaker 3I don't carry a gun like Tony, I can't go out there and shoot it.
Speaker 2What am I going to do?
Speaker 3That's illegal. Okay, fine, but if I got to put it on its misery, I'd rather do it fast with the gun.
Speaker 2You got to chirp that car in reverse, no, and give it four more tires. What am I?
Speaker 3going to do? Take a trowel, slit its throat, suffocate it with a grout sponge.
Speaker 2I'm already imagining you sitting in your van Suffocate. Imagining you sitting in your van suffocating with the cross. I didn't know how to kill it, like I was I. I imagine you crying with a grout sponge wiping your tears.
Speaker 3I was, I was, I was sad. I cried myself to sleep that night. Did you go outside and put a pillow over its head? No, like I said, I was gonna suffocate. I was gonna suffocate it with a grout sponge and say quiet, go to bed, go to sleep. So I got out. I got out of the car to see what it actually was. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a dog. I was fucking freaking. Have you ever hit a dog? No, and what would you do if you hit a dog?
Speaker 2you'd freak out right lots of possums. Last year I hit a big fucking raccoon. That one was fun because I had two people following me and when we got to our destination they're like you ran that fucking raccoon over and I'm like you, don't think everybody in the car knew that that that thing made the wheels get off the ground. I hit that thing going 50 coons are big man.
Speaker 3So I turned my light on my phone and then I started walking towards the animal. And then the whole time obviously I'm thinking it's a dog, and then I get up to it it's a wolverine, it's a cat oh, fuck it's a cat you let that thing suffer, dude, they just keep moving.
Speaker 2I have?
Speaker 3I have three cats. Yeah, I know, yeah, you just keep it moving like an 18 pound cat cats are worthless dude you're gonna get did it have a collar? On. No, that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 1I was didn't have a collar on.
Speaker 3If it didn't have a collar, I've never seen, never seen anybody with a cat that had a collar. It's like not, you don't have collars on your cats.
Speaker 1No, you live in an apartment.
Speaker 3I don't let my cats outside.
Speaker 2You live in an apartment he lives in an apartment that he's not supposed to have cats, so he doesn't want. That's the law you're breaking.
Speaker 1No. So my cats have always been cats that could go outside on a line and then they would sneak out all the time, so we had to put collars on them and then I think we had a cat that just stayed inside. It was too fat and lazy to go anywhere. But it still had a collar, because that was just what we did. And then my mom now has cats and they have collars.
Speaker 3This cat probably has a home. I took a picture of it in, like you know, in case someone identified the body or if I had to proof that like someone.
Speaker 2Hey episode of csi, I'm missing an animal I'm missing an animal you have to do it yourself car wash, trying to get the blood off I hit it with my tires, not my great.
Speaker 1I'm not my grill um, no fucking cat so the cat was still alive you run that fucking thing over.
Speaker 2You run the walgreens. You get a get well soon, balloon. You go back, tie it to its paw, move on with your fucking life.
Coping With a Roadside Cat Incident
Speaker 3So it's in, it's kind of in. It's not on the edge of the, it's in the middle of the road a little bit. I had to do something, I couldn't just leave it and it was like moving its paw. You touched this cat.
Speaker 1Oh, dude, you left DNA.
Speaker 3Hey.
Speaker 1At this grind scene.
Speaker 2You got too many hair follicles.
Speaker 1Now it looks unpersonal.
Speaker 2Not to have left a couple out of sight.
Speaker 1Now, it's too personal.
Speaker 3I took my hat off and my whole fuck all my hair. My head surrounded the cat. Oh man, you hit a cat. I didn't touch it with my hands. I got a.
Speaker 1I got a trowel oh, you're troweling dead cat from roadside to roadside no, I got, had a broom.
Speaker 3I got a wooden or a broom and I kind of broomed it to the side. I kind of moved, it touched a little bit because I didn't it's still like kind of moving and making a weird like gurgly sound. I'm like, fuck man, what do I do? Oh, you didn't pop it right, pop it. Yeah, what do you mean? They pop when you run them? Oh god, you're sick. So I moved it to the side and you know, I had a couple tears in my eyes because I got three cats. It was fucking terrifying and sad.
Speaker 1And then I don't know if I I mean you started thinking about it's somebody's cat. You're like this could have been my cat.
Speaker 2But if it was?
Speaker 1somebody's cat? Why was it running around in the road at night with no collar on?
Speaker 3I figured it was one of the warmer days last week.
Speaker 2That's the problem with fucking cat owners man, they don't teach their cats to stay out of the road.
Speaker 3I think it was just it was exploring. It was probably chasing a mouse, I don't fucking know. But it was a sad day in the life of myself. Now it's chasing jesus yeah, but I still I had to leave it without murdering it completely, because I had no way of doing that. Like I said, I don't have any weapons you think you would have you would have.
Speaker 1uh, what is it when you shoot a gun? What is it a fancy way to say that in cop terms Discharge, discharged a weapon into this thing.
Speaker 3I had a BB gun and I was like should I load my BB gun up, maybe shoot it in the eyeball a couple?
Speaker 1times Wait so you carry an unloaded BB gun. No, I have BBs in my.
Speaker 2BB gun. I'm going to tell you right now, if that was me and that cat was suffering, I'd have watched it for like 20 minutes suffer and then I'd have pistol whooped it to death.
Speaker 3Imagine if I went out there with a BB gun. I had and just kept shooting it.
Speaker 1That's too much, Tony.
Speaker 3Tony's a psycho, you would do that I fucking hate cats.
Speaker 2What if?
Speaker 3it was a dog, what would?
Speaker 1you do, then I would have had a burial, I would have put up a ceremony. Yeah, well, because no one leaves a dog uncolored running amok in the streets. People leave cats, uncolored, running amok in the streets still man.
Speaker 3That's the only male animal I've ever, ever killed. And then I thought I could have swerved out of the way. There was no cars around. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Speaker 1The cat probably wanted to die. Sounds like vehicular suicide yeah because think about it, think about it for a minute. If this cat was out and about, you said it was at night. Yeah, well, it was probably like 5 o'clock, all by its lonesome.
Speaker 3It was probably delivering Uber Eats. Was there a lot of houses in the area there was one side of the street that had houses, and the other side was off like a foresty, oh so this cat has been living in the I mean dude this cat was fat and it it was well fed. It had to be an animal of. Uh, it had to be someone's cat. No, it's a farm cat.
Speaker 2It was huge. It doesn't matter, why would that matter?
Speaker 3Because it's.
Speaker 1Are all your cats fat?
Speaker 3I have one cat that's huge. It reminded me of him.
Speaker 2So, jay, if we're being serious here and we had to go live in the woods, I wouldn't eat a cat. You would. You would be really skinny because your non-killer instinct, because you're crying, because you fucking running over rogue cats. I'm not killing the cat to eat it. I would remain fat because I would be able to fucking probably get fatter yeah, I would get stronger and fatter I'd be eating whole deer at a time.
Speaker 3What the hell do you think you think you guys could kill out in the, in the, in the wild?
Speaker 1wouldn't it be good, instead of like, joining a gym and just be like, yeah, I'm going on that night 60 days, no?
Speaker 2shit. 60 days in Alaska. Yeah.
Speaker 1I'm switching life with a farmer.
Speaker 3I could see you, tony, going on naked and afraid and quitting after seven days because you can't kill shit. Oh, I would quit, but they don't give you a gun.
Speaker 2I would quit most of that kind of shit. Mosquito bites, dude, I can't deal with them.
Speaker 3Oh my God, yeah, they do get ravaged with bites on that show Completely there ain't no way, completely so do you think that I'm okay? I'm not going to have a cop here and I'm going to call my daughter?
Speaker 2No, I'm sure there's no warrant.
Speaker 1What crime did you commit? Murder, murder, yeah. You don't even know if it died.
Speaker 2Did anyone report this crime? It?
Speaker 1probably survived. Were there any witnesses? Definition of a crime requires someone to have witnessed it.
Speaker 3No, no, there's no one around, no, no one witnessed it.
Speaker 1It was a wrongdoing that you performed, but it's not a crime, it's not a wrongdoing. Until someone says you committed a crime, you actually haven't yet done it.
Speaker 3What if I didn't see the person in a house binocular.
Speaker 1So it might have been reported. You might be on the loose for a reported crime. There's a small van.
Speaker 3They didn't get my license plate because I haven't got a call yet. White van that's why I took a picture of it.
Speaker 2White van says free candy on the side it does actually. Yeah, no, I think you're good, so then you just drove home like nothing ever happened.
Speaker 1I haven't told anybody, and you haven't told.
Speaker 3I had to let this out. This is to myself right now and to you guys. I'm waiting to tell my wife and I cannot, never, ever, I can never tell my kids. They would freak, they would probably cry if I told them the story they're probably never going to look at you the same.
Speaker 1They'd be like oh my God, Can you believe that dad?
Speaker 2It's a murder.
Speaker 3Well, I'm definitely not letting them listen to this episode.
Speaker 1It was still moving. You could have taken it to the veterinary.
Speaker 3Dude, it was squished in a spot of its stomach where?
Speaker 2Yeah, but it might have only been five and six of its lives.
Speaker 1No, it was all nine of its lives that cat could have lived successfully after it, costing you tens and tens of thousands of dollars in a wheeled chair that also cost tens of thousands of dollars that you could have burdened your life with and you drove away.
Speaker 2That's why your?
Speaker 1kids and wife. That's what your kids and wife are going to be like. They're not going to realize that there was actually this big burden that would have. But you could have been. They're going to be like Dad you could have saved it.
Speaker 3You could have been the hero. I was thinking about putting in my car and driving to an animal hospital, leaving it at the front door and taking off.
Speaker 1I mean you lived with one third of a bathroom situation because of the cats initially. Well, those ones, I wanted. You must live in fear, like Anne Frank, every day of your life because of the illegality of their existence within your home.
Speaker 3But you wouldn't do it for these cats, I'm telling you man, this cat, you guys don't understand the pain I've gone through this weekend. Jay, that cat probably had a name. Yeah, you know what it's like Whiskers or something. I guess I didn't. It was probably loved by a child Where's?
Speaker 1Whiskers. I didn't even think about it until now, but my friend at work you know, Darren, might know this guy too, so you should ask. He has a missing cat. He's got a missing cat.
Speaker 3What color? Black and white, no silver. I've seen the flyer. I'm good there. That's another thing too. I took a picture. Let's see the picture.
Speaker 2I want to see the picture.
Speaker 1Show me the picture, do you?
Speaker 2really got a picture of it. Yeah, I do Give me the picture.
Speaker 1For you people at home. If Jay ever lets this episode air, the picture will be the thumbnail.
Speaker 2Let's see the picture.
Speaker 1I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 3I'll show you after the show.
Speaker 1You should show him now. Why wouldn't you show him now? I don't want to see it because I'm not going to do something like that. I don't want to see it because I'm not going to do something like that. I don't really care. All right, but I will put it up If you actually let this thing air, because I don't think you're ever going to tell your wife, because if you tell your wife, she's going to tell your kids no, she won't Fuck you, she won't.
Speaker 1It's going to be talked about at Christmas dinner next year. Dude, you, dude, you're fucked, you're completely wrecked. You're wrecked, yeah, you're. You committed no crime, but you have lost. You. You've put a big l in front of you and now you haven't said it. What are you gonna say? It happened, so you let's. I just see you. I see you somehow fucking this up where, like in three days, you decide to tell your wife, but you're gonna tell your wife by telling her that it happened that day, even though it happened now a week and a half ago, and then, so it's gonna be fine for a while.
Speaker 2She's gonna ask you where it happened and then she's gonna go back in your tracking and find this rotted cat dude, what the fuck that is not a three hour old dead cat, and then she's gonna wreck you that out.
Speaker 1You're gonna fuck this up somehow now. You should have said something right away. You fucked this up.
Speaker 2I heard you told, I heard you told your father-in-law and he's so pissed he's moving out. It's black and silver spotted, with one long stripe going across its back.
Speaker 3Don't say it.
Speaker 2That says Goodyear. I can't believe that made you sad. You hit it in the daylight no, that's a that's.
Speaker 3That's the light of my camera let everybody know.
Speaker 1I told you it was nighttime. Let everybody know about how you threw the collar in the woods now he kept it as a memento if there was a shoebox if there was a collar dude. Oh, at least there wasn't a collar.
Speaker 3No.
Speaker 1That's why I said that's a human. So no one owned that cat.
Speaker 3Okay, so wait, that cat owned that? Let me ask you, no one owned that cat. Let me ask you this guys, if it had a collar?
Speaker 1You collar your animals. If it had a collar and it had a number on it, then what would you? I would have called the person and say I murdered the cat. Listen, you flipping idiot. I just hit your freaking animal Because you're so gosh darn.
Speaker 3Go to the corner of Pierce and Morgan, irresponsible, there's a cat that has your. Oh my God.
Speaker 1You have to yell at them.
Speaker 2No, you call them and you say if you ever want to see your candy, can come to the corner of Fifth and Morgan.
Speaker 3What if they ask me for a picture of it To make sure it's still alive?
Speaker 2Sending them ransom notes.
Speaker 3It was a sad day.
Speaker 2You hit Chris's mic way down.
Speaker 1Yeah, you turned me off.
Speaker 2How the hell did that happen With a card?
Speaker 1I don't know. I don't think there was a crime committed. You did flee the scene of an incident, but not a crime.
Speaker 3It's not really an incident. It's like what if I call? I was thinking, what if I call 911? And they came out and they started to laugh at me.
Speaker 1They would fine you If you called 911, they would fine you.
Speaker 2Yeah, that's why I didn't do that. Oh yeah, when they were done, laughing.
Speaker 1But you could have called like animal control, they could have came out. You could have called the highway department to clean up the mess.
Speaker 3I guess I could Google that number. I don't know that number.
Speaker 2You made some dude $5, because people get like $5 a carcass when they go collect them on the road. Are you?
Speaker 3serious, yeah. What do they do with them? Then? Put them in chicken nuggets for McDonald's.
Speaker 2They go, turn them in, throw them in a dump. You definitely should have.
Speaker 1I mean, I guess they're not telling.
Speaker 2The right answer is you do nothing. You're already fucked up by stopping.
Speaker 1It's so stupid.
Speaker 2Why the fuck would you stop?
Speaker 1You knew it wasn't human. Right If you know it wasn't human.
Speaker 2Once you confirm it's not a child, you fucking keep driving.
Speaker 3Well, I had to stop to confirm that. I told you it was black, went quick and da-dun-da-dun.
Speaker 1I guess if it would have freaked me out enough I probably would have stopped. If it was substantial enough unknowns I would have stopped to find out. But if I knew for sure it was like dang, that was some animal, I would have just kept driving and I probably would have woke my wife up when I got home I couldn't wait to tell her.
Speaker 2Oh dude, I don't think.
Speaker 3I'd ever tell her I'd have woke the kids up.
Speaker 2Everybody Show her the picture. You want to hear what your dad did today.
Speaker 3Check this picture out. Should I print that picture off Up?
Speaker 1This might be a whole different episode. But why wouldn't you tell your wife?
Speaker 3I'm still like like recovering from the sadness.
Speaker 1He's in trauma.
Speaker 3He has been leaving clues.
Speaker 1You're in trauma.
Speaker 3Every time I see a cat on the show, I start crying or watching something what's wrong?
Speaker 1I'll tell you in a week you should find an old episode from an old sitcom when they used to be on TV and need episodes about one where the guy hit a cat or something and then paused it and be like turn to your wife.
Speaker 2I remember this one time.
Speaker 1Honey, there's something I needed to tell you. I don't know how. A movie about a cat getting murdered.
The Cat Incident Documentary Fiasco
Speaker 2This episode helped me. Maybe on YouTube you can find a support video for people who have killed animals on the road and show it to her and just tell her this is what I'm dealing with maybe there's, maybe there's a facebook page for people that have incidentally harmed cats any animal any well, again, it's a, it's a house animal, it's a.
Speaker 1It's a pet. You don't know that that thing was in the house. You have no idea. It's probably a farm cat.
Speaker 3In retrospect. It is a house animal. It is not like if I had a deer. No, it's not.
Speaker 2They started as wild animals. Every animal started as wild animals, Exactly and people have decided to make them house animals.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 1This cat was never a wild animal. This cat was probably someone's house cat but it got left in that field you're talking about. They abandoned it. That cat had no collar. No one owned it. That's my stance. If you don't collar or brand your animal so that it can be identified as yours, it's not yours.
Speaker 3It's not your animal. It's probably because it's been so cold out. It's probably like a frozen body and it's frozen to the cement.
Speaker 1You haven't driven past no. You're afraid to go back to the scene of the crime.
Speaker 3I take 10 minutes detours. Just not take that road ever again.
Speaker 1Interesting.
Speaker 3Ever. I'll never go down that road. I murdered something on that road scene of a crime. Huh. Have you ever done anything where you just could not drive on a road? No, never I have. I'm murdered murder road.
Speaker 1It's called murder road now from here on out yeah well, I can't wait to hear the conclusion of this, when you finally break down and decide to tell your family of your?
Speaker 3Oh shit, I thought you were talking about when I'm finally caught and put in jail.
Speaker 1There's no way you could be jailed in any form or fashion.
Speaker 3It's hit and run. No, you didn't hit and run.
Speaker 1You hit and stopped. For fuck's sake, no one was there.
Speaker 2On another note, with the way Netflix has been putting stuff out, you're eligible for your own documentary.
Speaker 3This one is a story. Don't fuck with cats. Oh man, Remember that one.
Speaker 2It's just going to be a montage of different scenes of Jace sitting in a bathtub with no water, no clothes, shivering, crying, no, no.
Speaker 3Reaching up to heaven. No it. It's gonna have close-up shots of me and there's gonna be tears running down my eyes and I'm gonna have a really sad and it's just gonna be like a plinkle board going through all your strands of hair.
Speaker 2It's a little zigzag, a plinkle board.
Speaker 3My hair is no, my hair, my just. The hair just doesn't get wet. It would just be on top of my hair, falling out. I can't make it to your skin. Yeah, a plinko board, oh fuck the tear that was never felt.
Speaker 2Maybe that'll be the name of the documentary what in the world?
Speaker 3how do you come up with these names? It's a pretty good name yeah like I had no idea what doc I would watch that documentary. I wouldn't reading the name. I'd be like what is this about?
Speaker 2it would be something totally different than what it sounds like a tear never felt the fucked up thing is when netflix would make you run over a second cat so they can have footage we don't have much in the budget.
Speaker 1We got no room for ai.
Speaker 2We're gonna need you to do that again they'd be like all right, we got these 10 cats. Which one looks the most like the cat? Rank them in order, in case you miss the first couple.
Speaker 1I imagine the guy off off scene, off off camera, who's throwing the cats out like this you guys are terrible, throwing it out like a spike strip. We gotta do it again. We missed them. Cat rolled under it. I gotta throw.
Speaker 2We need a new cat boss they got a little one wheel ramp so that when he hits it the fucking van turns over on its side we're gonna need it.
Speaker 1Nope, the tossing the cat's not working. We're gonna have to do the pull it by a string method from the other side.
Speaker 3Rig it up you guys are psychos.
Speaker 1I don't know why I'm laughing I can't wait for the tear that never was.
Speaker 2Wasn't that the tear that?
Speaker 1was never felt.
Speaker 2Documentary and you know how when they do shit with animals, they always put the disclosure at the beginning or the end. No cats were harmed in the making.
Speaker 3They can't do it.
Speaker 2They would have to do it for years. Like only seven cats were harmed for the making of this movie, they can't do it for this one.
Speaker 1They would have to do it for years Like only seven cats were harmed for the making of this documentary. No, it'd be a slow motion over some hip-hop music, like the end of every movie Black and white film.
Speaker 2Oh, I can't wait till we have more stories about killing kittens. You are terrible. It wasn't a kitten.
Speaker 3It was a cat. More stories about killing kittens. You are terrible. It wasn't a kitten, it was a cat.
Speaker 2So I ran over this box the other day, filled with kittens to the brim. Oh my God, he's sick.
Speaker 3Everyone's going to hate so many dead kittens. You're going to have fun. People are going to hate you.
Speaker 1This is Tony talking right now. Remember guys.
Speaker 3Jay and Chris don't agree with tony wauwatosa wisconsin, come see me so, in a world that shuns the uncomfortable, we embrace it with open arms and open laughs, with our candid narratives around our stories. We can assure you that awkwardness is a shared human experience. So remember, every tuesday, come listen to our podcast Top Shelf Stories. Why'd the music stop? Great slam poetry. You like that? That was pretty good. Memorize that, shit, guys. Alright, see you later.
